How to Have Money in Your Life

(Note: This piece of writing shouldn’t be so hard for I was thinking: if a person does just about everything I didn’t do, he or she will certainly have money in her or his life, and plenty of it. It’s guaranteed.) So, start early in life and move over Mr. Buffet and Mr. Gates et al! 

1 Concentrate all your energies on money & making money. Nothing else. (In other words: 24/7)

2 Never, ever give anyone anything, much less cash. It’s too hard to come by. Quickly cross the street if you see a beggar. (Don’t worry about what the Bible says.)

3 Eat a lot of foods raw to save on gas or electricity. They say it’s much healthier for you to do that anyway.

4 Don’t waste a lot of time reading, especially fiction. Where’s it going to get you? (Do you know any heavy readers who have money?)

5 Don’t marry anyone who is broke. Marry well, whatever the cost.

6 Don’t waste time watching TV. You’ll remain an employed (or unemployed) slave your whole life!

7 Don’t make friends with anyone worse off than you are. Make sure your friends are all superior economically. (If they like you, they’ll pull you up to their level. Of course, you must learn to say the “right” things.)

8 Don’t sleep so much. Time is money.

9 Act as if you had all of life’s answers. You know you don’t, but never, ever reveal that. (If you act as if you’re St. Peter’s personal assistant, you’ll be close.)

10 Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.

11 Never take a real vacation if you have to pay for it yourself. It’s foolish.

12 Almost never eat out unless it’s simply impossible to avoid (rare celebration of birthdays or anniversaries).

13 Avoid malls and shopping centers like the plague. (Temptation to purchase)

14 Don’t ever pay a housemaid. (Make sure the person you marry can fulfill several functions: maid, cook, employee, parent, nurse, etc.)

15 Never give gifts that are too nice. When possible, give again a gift someone gave you that you didn’t like. (recycle)

16 Don’t go to college. It’s a big waste of time and money. Remember, some of the most important biggies dropped OUT of college. (You can buy an honorary Ph.D. later in life.) Plus, enormous wealth enables you to ruin your kids’ lives. Need I drop a few names?

17 Literally or almost literally, work your you-know-what off! Work as if you were the “immortal beloved.” (But thanks, Beethoven. What would we do without you?)