Telly in my Belly

Ah, a nice evening in front of the telly. I wonder what’s going on in Alfred Square? Where’s the remote? That’s it.

Rinky: Ow are ya, Ratty? Got yer fing?
Ratty: Blimey, or what?
Rinky: Can’t ‘ear yer, I’m a bit Mutt and Jeff.
Ratty: Woss Mutt and Jeff?
Rinky: It’s deaf, innit?
Ratty: Yeah, but why Mutt and Jeff?
Rinky: ‘Cos that’s the fing what you say.
Ratty: Yeah, but why Mutt? Why Jeff?
Rinky: It’s Jeff ‘cos it goes wiv deaf.
Ratty: So why not Bill and Jeff?
Rinky: ‘Cos that ain’t right. It’s Mutt and Jeff.
Ratty: I can see I ain’t goin’ ter get no sense out of you.
Rinky: That’s ‘cos I’m thick as shit.
Ratty: Me too. Great, innit?
Rinky: ‘Ow about goin’ dahn the Old Nag?
Ratty: Nah, I’m brassic.
Rinky: Wot’s brassic?
Ratty: It’s skint, innit? Brassic lint, skint.
Rinky: Cor! Woss it mean?
Ratty: Means skint, dunnit?
Rinky: Yeah, but what’s brassic?
Ratty: It’s the fing you say when you’re skint.
Rinky: I can see I ain’t goin’ ter get no sense out of you.
Ratty: That’s ‘cos I’m thick as shit.
Rinky: Me too. Great, innit?
Ratty: Yeah. Who needs ter know fings?
Rinky: I can ‘ave babies, me.
Ratty: Me too. I can push a pram.
Rinky: Yeah. I can screech at me boyfriend.
Ratty: Them’s the proper fings wot real life’s about.
Rinky: Yeah - babies, prams and screechin’.
Ratty: Thass all yer need.
Rinky: You don’t need ter know stuff.
Ratty: Right. You can’t push yer pram no faster if you know…
Rinky: Know what?
Ratty: Dunno. I said stuff for too long and forgot…
Rinky: Forgot what?
Ratty: Dunno. If yer keep talking fer too long, you forget…
Rinky: Where you started?
Ratty: Started what? I ain’t started nuffink.
Rinky: You’re always starting fings, you.
Ratty: You’re asking for a smack in the gob.

Ah yes, I forgot to turn the volume down. I like it when Ratty jives up slowly in a hat. Spoils it when you hear their voices. Never mind, let’s have a look at the Radio Times. Oh, Alan Vann’s on. He passes the time painlessly enough. Or am I thinking of Jimmy Vann? Let’s take a look. This one’s dressed as a dog. I wonder why? Oh, so that he can sniff men’s genitals in the park. Now he’s peeing on someone’s trouser leg. How – er – funny. No, I don’t think that’s for me either. I hope there’s something else.

…and we’ll update you about the frog on a log later in the program. Now over to Salmon Thing who has discovered an owl in a ditch.

Salmon: [In stage whisper] I've been watching this owl all night. Must be very quiet so as not to disturb the maggots. Ditchcraft is so important to a young owl, as is decomposition and stinking to high heaven...

No, I don't think I can take any more of this either. I just wanted to do a sports column. Oh, why did I take the job of TV critic?