Groundbreaking

From: Professor Jim Martin
To: Elizabeth Williams
Subject: My new job

Well I got the job of being professor of fizzicks. Today I have been busy teaching my students. They are very thick and don’t know nothing about atoms so I have to show them how to do it. Only one is called Tommy and he knows the names of more atoms than I do. He read a whole book on it. But I am going to give him bad marks in his exams HAHAHAHA. I hope you are well and got my flowers what I sent.

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From: Elizabeth Williams
To: Professor Jim Martin
Subject: Re: My new job

So nice to hear from you, Jim. Yes, I did get your flowers, I’ve always loved dandelions. So strong and imposing! Your student Tommy sounds like quite a character. Keep up the good work with your atoms.

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From: Professor Jim Martin
To: Elizabeth Williams
Subject: Re: Re: My new job

I am online again because I find the real world is too harsh for me to be in it. My students ask hard questions and I have to look them up on Wikipedia so I am always going online. I like it there and I can plot revenge and reek havoc without anybody knows who I am. My ambition is to be evil and do something interesting for the story. I expect I should explain who you are but I haven’t decided yet. You can’t be my sister or my wife because of not having the same name unless I change it.

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From: Elizabeth Williams
To: Professor Jim Martin
Subject: Re: Re: Re: My new job

Another email so soon! What a frantic life you lead, Jim. I quite see the attraction of being online; I too enjoy it very much. I have always found evil people quite fascinating. Do you think that might be because I’m a psychiatrist? Not necessarily yours, of course.

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From: Professor Jim Martin
To: Elizabeth Williams
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: My new job

I wish I’d thought of that myself. You can be my psychiatrist and you never charge me because you find me so interesting. You write reports about my interesting ways and send them to important policemen in case I can help them solve some crimes. You secretly have a secret crush on me because you think I’m so fit. You’re the only one what understands my need to do evil online and give bad marks to Tommy, who could be our secret son what nobody knows about, not even us. What do you think of that?

PS Sorry about the virus but I have to keep in character.

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From: Elizabeth Williams
To: Professor Jim Martin
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My new job

My, my, three emails in one day! Jim, much as I enjoy hearing from you I do have work to do. I will be happy to be your psychiatrist but I feel I should charge you double because you’re such a difficult case. As for our skeleton in the cupboard, women often know when they’ve given birth so it’s quite hard to keep a son’s existence secret from his mother. May I make a suggestion? If you’d like to be a professor of English instead, Tommy could have written an exquisitely perfect story and you, a hopeless alcoholic with writer’s block who hasn’t published anything since his groundbreaking first novel, could steal it and pass it off as your own. It’s a plot line that has been used successfully too many times to count. It should be good for one more outing. English professors don’t attach viruses to their emails by the way, they don’t know how, so let’s put a stop to that right now, okay?

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From: Professor Jim Martin
To: Skunk
Subject: Your novel

Skunk, I’m doing my best but this is more difficult than I imagined. I’ve tried being a scientist - they are inherently evil so it was the obvious choice. They are always playing God and several of them actually are God - that bit I like. On the downside, wheelchairs always seem to be involved. There’s Peter Sellers of course, he had a wheelchair for Doctor Strangelove, and the guy who plays Stephen Hawking, can’t remember his name, has a wheelchair too. I don’t get on with wheelchairs. Also, is it really necessary to stroke cats to be evil? They give me a rash. Another problem: I think Liz’s patience is wearing thin. She might withdraw from the novel altogether if I keep pestering her.

If I take Liz’s suggestion and become a professor of English, do you think we could let this be my groundbreaking first novel? For a novel to be groundbreaking you can’t just tell a story, you have to play with the form. A character sending an email to his author… need I say more? This has all the groundbreakingness you could wish for. If you’re greedy and want even more, instead of you writing us, why couldn’t we write you? Characters writing their authors is groundbreaking as hell, surely?

Skunk reads this email and dreams of cherries.