Life of an Olympic Hero

Archie McSpunk,
A phlegmbuoyant personality,
Came close to death one day
When he wore a peacock feather
In the vicinity of a sawmill.
One of these days you’ll fall in
Said his nanny. And you can’t
Even swim.

So Archie McSpunk
Took up swimming in sawdust
And became so proficient at it
That it became an Olympic sport
With Archie as the only competitor.
But it was worth it just to
See him go. He’s got ideas
Above his station, said nanny,
And as usual she was right.

Archie’s station was Paddington
And above it was sky.
Archie next taught himself to
Swim in sky. It wasn’t quite
As easy as it looked, but Archie
Mastered the art and looked hopefully
Towards the Olympic Committee.
They shuffled uncomfortably.

Don’t you think it’s a bit like flying?
Asked one. That’s not so great.
Birds do it all the time. I’m afraid
We can’t open the Olympics to
Dumb animals. It’s bad enough
That we have to let women in.
And water-boarders, added another.
And the Suralan Arsehole Championships,
Agreed a third.

So Archie McSpunk retired
From Olympic competition
And became an inanimate object
To be stacked and counted
And saved for a rainy day.
And when that day came
He was dusted off and put on display
And people marvelled at
The length of his life and
The loneliness of his
Long distance runner beans.
It could be worse, he said.