Miss Marple Investigates

Pam Ayres has no need to worry.

I done another crime today,
I’ve come ’ere to confess,
I’ve put me nicest ’at on and
I’m wearing my best dress.

I’ve come to see the Sergeant,
The one what gives me tea,
Although I’m such a villain,
’E’s always nice to me.

’E says, my dear Miss Marple,
We’re all in such a stew.
You’ll ’elp with our inquiries?
That’s proper good of you.

We got some right crime puzzles,
We just can’t think them through,
You’ll join me for a cuppa and
Some choccy biscuits too?

We supped our tea and biscuits,
There’s quiet for a time,
And then I cries, Oh Sergeant,
I done a bad, bad crime.

I stole the Queen’s crown jewels,
I know just where they’re ’id.
’E says to me, you never!
I says to ’im, I did!

I ’spect you’ll need your ’andcuffs,
You’ll put me in a cell,
I’ll do my bird and never grass -
That means I’ll never tell.

The easy or the ’ard way,
That’s what they always say,
I’ll do my porridge like a man,
At least, a man wot’s gay.

Why thank you, dear Miss. Marple,
For solving that tough crime.
I’ll put in a good word for you,
I don’t think you’ll do time.

Why don’t you pop straight home now?
Leave me to sort things out.
Say three o’clock tomorrow?
I’ll have the tea poured out.