Friday 29th February: Disaster.

Friday 29th February 2008.

Yesterday I promised the tale of trouble and woe brought about by the new iguana. So to re-cap this animal is one of only twenty-eight (8 breeding adults and twenty of last season's young) in the whole of Great Britain. They are a protected species because they are so rare and, quite apart form his monetary worth he's pretty damned special just because I want to love him.

Dave brought him, we got him out of the travelling box and he was cold. Cold reptiles are always pretty easy to deal with, he let us maul him around to check his condition and was perfectly well behaved. I put him in the three foot viv that I was going to use to quarantine him. It would have been okay for him for three months but I didn't like it. He's quite a large lizard and took up more than half the length of the viv which didn't leave him much room to manoeuvre. One of my ranting points is people keeping reptiles in too small an enclosure. However while they are in quarantine and undergoing the settling and being observed stage smaller is actually better. They feel more secure and they tame down easier. But, me being me, I didn't like him in there and decided to deep clean and re furnish a four foot viv for him.

Knowing that new reptiles were coming that afternoon the kids had arrived and brought Kane and Daisy-anne with them. I could have done without it to be honest. Kane was his usual hyper self and spent half the afternoon screaming the place down over some tantrum or other and the remaining hours screaming the place down with excitement because Marty was winding him up. The last thing the three new lizards needed was a houseful of people a screaming baby and a screaming toddler.

When Dave arrived it was to total bedlam, the living room was strewn with castles and boats. The noise was deafening and I dread to think what he must have thought. Neither of the vivs was dressed and ready because I was waiting for him to bring me a load of new furnishings with my animals. I like new lizards to have all new gear to save any cross contamination of hidden nasties.

Because of the situation with the kids, and because they were cold, I literally threw a branch and a couple of plants in a viv for the red and chucked him in to warm up. All the heating and lighting was already installed. The poor old Geckos didn't even get the branch. I chucked some foliage in for them and a piece of bark to hide under and wanged them in.

The animals were fine, I should have just left them at that and not done another thing with them ... but no. I had to make it nice for them. I titivated the Gecko viv around them. That was not a problem.

Then I cleaned and prepared a four foot viv for the red. That wasn't a problem either because the viv was empty and I could work without concern about any of the animals.

It came to transferring the red from the small to the larger viv and all hell erupted. I Checked that both living room doors were shut and only opened the viv door a couple of inches .. but that was all it took. Seeing the gap in the door and ready to make his escape the lizard ran across the viv, up my arm over my shoulder and off.

Kane screamed and as he was standing near the door at the time he opened it and went to run through it. The lizard was faster, he scuttled past Kane and flew out of the door, I was chasing him, yelling my head off for Col and Marty to come and help me. And that's when I realised the full horrific implications of what was about to happen.

Marty had left the back door open!

Feeling the cold air the lizard had acted on instinct and instead of finding somewhere to hide and hole up as I would have expected him to do, he made a beeline for fresh air and open spaces.

I got to the back door and saw one of the most spectacular sights that I have ever seen. The red, already way out of my reach, was scaling the smooth surface of the house wall.

Thankfully it was a freezing cold day but the sun was shining and the brilliant red of his colouring enhanced the pure muscle of his legs and body. He was magnificent.

Within five seconds he was on the roof. We watched in horror as he left our house and travelled onto next door's roof, he didn't stop he continued up the street moving from roof to roof with grace and agility. All we could do was assemble in a group and watch in disbelief.

We rang the fire brigade to see if they'd come out with ladders to help us. I explained that this was an endangered species and that he'd die very quickly in those temperatures. They refused to come out.

In desperation I screamed at Marty to start knocking on doors to see if he could borrow a set of ladders that would be long enough to get up on the roof.

In the meantime Col came up with the idea of going down the road to a window firm to see if they had any ladders. I asked him if he'd go for me because I didn't want to leave my post. I felt that if I lost sight of him for a second that'd be it and I'd never see my lizard again .. Col, being a lazy swine, wouldn't go. I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life. I lost a precious five minutes talking to the man. He was full of questions and while it would have been nice pasing the time of day with him any other time the last thing I wanted to do as get into a lengthy discussion about the idiot Steve Irwin. The window bloke was good though, he suggested using a roofing company. He even rang one for me and explained the situation .. slowly. He explained that the roofers would come out at the cost of a hundred and fifty pounds call out fee. I said that I'd pay it gladly. The man told me that they'd be there within half an hour. I told him that I'd double the fee if they could be there in five minutes.

I was terrified at the thought of a load of big burly roofers clambering all over the roofs and frightening him away, but it was our only hope. At this point I honestly believed that it was hopeless, I'd never seen speed like it when he escaped and I didn't hold out a lot of hope that an inexperienced roofer would be able to grab him before he made his escape again. I didn't think that we were going to get him back and, left out in the cold, he'd be dead by morning

As I rounded the corner to get back home I found Marty in the back alley, complete with a set of long ladders. He was having a heated argument with Col. They were both trying to talk the other into going up on the roof. Being a pair of jessie boys neither of them would. At least Marty had the grace to admit that he was scared... Col just came out with a hundred and one macho excuses, his faovurite being that the roof would never hold his weight.

I didn't even bother talking to them. Wihtout having anybody to foot the ladder I went straight up to it and began to climb.

“What the hell do you think you're doing,” yelled Col.

“What does it look like? I'm going to get my lizard.”

“Don't be so bloody radge, you can't go, you'll kill your stupid self.”

“Mam don't do it the lizard's not worth risking your life for.” This was from Marty who sounded terrfied, see he does love me after all.

“Oh yes it is, Just watch me.”

By this time I was up on the flat roof. I hauled the ladders up from the floor and prepared for the second stage of the climb. I had only climbed two rungs when the ladder began to fall from under me. It had been fine on the gravel of the alley but on the soft surface of the flat roof it was slipping away from under me.

Marty was finally persuaded up as far as the flat roof to foot the ladder for me. No harm had been done because I'd only just begun to climb, but even so the slipping ladder had shaken me. Nevertheless my worry about the lizard was slightly greater than my fear at that point and without any hesitation I climbed the rest of the way up to my house roof. Getting from the top of the ladder onto the slates was terrifying. When I had two feet and one hand on the roof I was scared to let go of the ladder. I could feel my nerve leaving me. Up until that point I had been single mindedly thinking about the lizard. He was my only concern ... now I was scared for me.

I let go of the ladder and took a few tentative footsteps in a crouch. The slates were wet and slippy and my pumps had no tread. The red had come to a stop in the gutter five houses along. To prevent scaring him into fleeing I decided to go up the roof and along rather than tracking him at gutter level. I also figured that if I was up by the chimneys there were ridge tiles to hold onto. I began to move up and across taking baby steps and trying desperately to keep my footing on the wet roof.

I was half way between my house and the red when my foot came up from under me and I was sliding down the roof tiles on my bum sixty feet up in the air. I honestly thought I was going to die. It's true that seconds from death the world does seem to go into slow motion. I can vouch for it. Every sense is heightened and you become acutely aware of what's happening around you. I heard Marty scream. Kane was screaming. Daisy had come out in sympathy and she was screaming. I heard Col say, “Oh Jesus Christ.” A small crowd had gathered and I heard people gasp and picked out several phrases. I was still falling.

I was literally inches from the lizard. I scrabbled madly to get purchase on the roof with my feet. My heel caught in a lose slate and held. My free fall stopped and I was stationary with one foot literally in the guttering. I was still but I had nothing to hold onto. Gravity seemed to want to push me forward and I didn't dare move an inch. I had literally frozen. I only had to move about another foot and I'd be able to grab the lizard but I couldn't move at all. I was terrified.

Up until the fear kicked in all I could think about was what Martin would say. He'll be monitoring the lizard and I'd have to tell him that less than an hour after taking ownership of the red I'd lost him.

I heard a voice behind me.

“It's all right lass, come on, give me your hand.”

A man had come up behind me and I hadn't heard him. “No, I'm okay, please, please get my lizard.”

“Sod the bloody lizard. Come on don't be stupid, you're going to fall.”

“I'm not coming down without the lizard. Please he's going to die out here, please get him for me.” I was almost in tears like a big wuss. Another head appeared over the line of the roof two houses past the lizard. Somebody was ready to try and catch him if he ran.

“Okay, I'll try.” The first man moved up the roof and around me. I watched him position himself behind the red and reach his hand out. I was one hundred percent convinced that the lizard would see the shadow descending on him and be off. He never moved. The man made a single clean grab and picked him up perfectly. He produced a snake bag from inside his jacket, one of the lads must have given him it. Two seconds later the red was in the bag and the man had the bag tightly by the neck. A huge round of applause rang out from the Alley.

I reached out my hand for the snake bag and kept repeating, “Oh Thank you,”over and over again.

The man wouldn't give me the lizard and told me to hang tight while he took it down to Col and then he said he was coming back to get me.
When he moved away I felt able to follow him and I shuffled on my bum an inch at a time towards the ladder. I was so scared and the adrenaline rush had knocked me sick. Surprisingly at that point I wasn't shaking at all ... that only came later when I was down and safe.

I'm no hero. It was sheer bloody stupidity going up on that roof. I've always had obsessive/compulsive tendencies although I've never been diagnosed with the condition. Under certain circumstances I can be very single minded and blot out everything but what I'm focussing on. I never stopped to think before going up on the roof. I didn't think about the height, the danger or my kids. Every scrap of my concentration was focussed on getting the lizard back.

As the lads took the red in, the roofing contractors turned up. God bless them they'd driven over from the next town and yet they didn't charge me a penny.

The roofers helped me down from the roof, I'd frozen again, though this time not so much in fear, I just couldn't work out the best way of getting down when it came to getting from the roof onto the ladder. It's a lot harder getting back on than it is getting off because the angle's so unnatural. I had a roofer up in front of me and another one behind and what a cheeky sod he was.

“Bloody hell with the size of that arse in me face I think we'd better go and get the big ladders after all. I was too traumatised to muster a laugh and probably came across as a right sulky old cow.”

Sandy passed me a fag and helped me back into the house. The culprit was safely in his new viv glaring around at the world in general. He was no worse for his adventure. The room was completely filled with strangers, it seems half of Btown had trooped in. There was the hero who had rescued the lizard. The plasterers who had been the men at the other side of the roofs, the three roofers and assorted 'other people'. There was almost a party atmosphere as they moved from viv to viv looking and asking questions as though they were on a works outing to the zoo. I just wanted them all to leave so that I could indulge in my nervous breakdown in peace. I was shaking so hard that I couldn't smoke the cigarette in my hand.

Finally everybody had left and only the family remained. Five minutes later Col pointed out to me that I hadn't given anybody a thing for their trouble. He said he'd been embarrassed when they left that they hadn't been rewarded. That man had risked his life to try and save me ... okay he'd saved the lizard instead but he was still a hero. The plasterers had stopped working to assist and the roofers had left a job to come and help me out. I felt selfish and self absorbed, I'd been so upset that it hadn't once occurred to me to offer anything.

Col went to the off licence for me and bought three cases of lager. The head roofer was coming back the next day. He'd asked if he could bring his three daughters to see all the animals so he wasn't a problem. The plasterers were still at work so we went to the relevant house and gave them a case. The problem was the actual hero. He and his wife had been visiting somewhere along our road and had only been walking past. We had no idea who he was. Col and I went out and knocked on every door in the street until we found the house that they'd been visiting. We live at seventy-seven, the correct house was ninety-nine. I left twenty pounds and a case of lager with the man's friend. It was definitely the right person because I remember seeing the friend in my house at one point.

They say all's well that ends well, but what a flipping day. I almost got myself killed on that roof, purely because I was frightened to tell Martin that I'd lost my precious lizard. If it had been a hot summer's day the outcome would have been very different and we'd never have caught him. He'd expended all of his energy reserves in his mad escape and in climbing the walls, when he got onto the roof he was exhausted. If it had been hot he would have thermo-regulated and taken in more heat enabling him to run again whenever he chose. He could have fallen down a stink pipe. He could have climbed down a chimney and been burned to death, or, if he'd run again he would have died of hypothermia before the night was out.

First rule of herpetology: observe strict hygiene regulations.

Second rule of herpetology: secure all doors and windows.

It's basic and it's simple. I should never have messed with them while the kids were there and the animals were traumatised. Sheer stupidity.

A good lesson learned.