Friday 4th July 2008.
A customer came into the shop today and made his purchase. As I was serving him I noticed that he kept looking over my right shoulder. I could see him trying to summon the courage to ask a question but he seemed bashful about it. I smiled encouragingly ready to turn my smile into a frosty shut down if his request was personal or smutty.
“I’m dying to know,” he began.
“Yes?”
“What do you do with those things there?”
I tried to keep a straight face but couldn’t help laughing.
“They’re my pricing guns, love.”
The poor bloke went crimson and left quickly. I’ve heard of some odd things being used in the quest for titillation but I’ve never known a pricing gun to be used as a sex toy.
Jessy told me a story the other day that she swears happened to her. It sounds to me like a joke that has done the rounds though so I don’t know if she was telling the truth.
Apparently she went into the other sex shop when it was open with her friend. Tim worked there for years and yet she maintains that there was a lady with a very posh voice serving. Her friend was buying a blow up doll for her husband who as going on a stag weekend.
The shop assistant said to her, “Would you like that with a horror face.”
Looking confused Jessy’s friend said in a baffled voice, “Er, no, it’s okay just a normal face will do.”
What the lady had actually said, was, “Would you like that with an orifice!” Don’t know if the story is true or not but it made me laugh.
I was a bit put out today. I had a right telling of from Tom, the owner of the company. He rang me up for a chat about how things are going. This is the biggest fish of all big fish, the head honcho, the great and glorious Himself. He built the company up from trading in one grotty London back street to what it is today.
“Hi Jane, It’s Tom.
“Hello Tom. How are you?”
“I’m good thanks, and I’ve been hearing some very good things about you.”
I smiled, at last some recognition for all of my hard work. I waited for the rest of my pat on the head.
“The thing is, Jane, your takings have more than doubled in the last two weeks.”
“Yes, I’m very pleased with the way things are going.” I replied smugly.
“So am I, but you see, when things alter so dramatically in such a short space of time it causes questions to be asked and suspicions to be aroused. Why have the takings doubled? And if you can double them so easily then what was wrong before when you weren’t getting the money in. When you took over as manager you also had a massive surge that gradually dropped back down, why? What’s your secret Jane?”
Well bloody hell, I do good and instead of heapings of praise I’m getting the sharp end of his tongue.
“It’s simple and the figures speak for themselves. You only have to look at my database to see what’s happened. Finally after months and months of trading on a skeleton stock I’ve managed to get some decent orders in on time. The shop is stocked and some of the customers that we’ve lost over the months are coming back to us. A well stocked shop generates word of mouth so we’re getting new first time customers and I’m taking more pride in my shop because at last I feel that it’s not stagnating again.”
“Whoa, hang on, let me stop you there. The sales pitch is all well and good but let’s just get back to basics. “You’ve just said that the shop hasn’t been stocked. Why?”
“Well as you know I’ve been putting in an order every single week and I’ve only been receiving about one in six of them.”
“I don’t know about this at all, so you’d better tell me. Why haven’t you been getting your orders?”
“I have no idea Tom. I’ve put the order in. When it doesn’t arrive I’ve rang Diane and she’s always told me that she put the order through to head office and they’ve messed it up. This happens almost every single week.”
“That’s bullshit. My staff gets every order out on time. So Diane hasn’t been putting your orders through?”
“I’m not saying that, Tom. All I know is that I put the orders in. I have the paperwork to prove it, and somewhere between them leaving me and coming back filled they go amiss.”
“Right, it’s my business that’s been suffering here, so let’s just cut the bullshit shall we? I shoot from the hip and I want to know what’s been happening. I’ve no time for staff talking to me in riddles. Do you believe that Diane has been putting your orders through the system?”
“No.”
“Then why the bloody hell didn’t you ring me and inform me of what’s going on? Surely when you weren’t getting them you knew that something wasn’t right.”
“Of course, but Tom, Diane is my immediate superior. I had to work with her and answer to her. She told me that she’d placed my orders and for a long time I saw no reason to disbelieve her. Later on, she made it clear that I wasn’t allowed to make any new business decisions without going through her and that included ringing further up the chain. If I had problems with anything I had to address them directly to her. In my defence I did raise the issue on all of my monthly projections and on the bi-annual progress reports”
“Rubbish, absolute bloody bollocks. Didn’t I tell you last time we came and sorted you out to ring me if you had any problems at all?”
“Yes, but.”
“Don’t give me any excuses. You’re the manager of that shop so Manage, Right?”
“Yes.”
“Good job keep it up.”
Humph!
