He went full-lock round the Fiveways
then floored it past Murco and back down
the ring road. We all felt it: racing
his own best time, human endeavor
with the suspension dropped, pushing
for that slackless lap or, if it comes to that,
a head-on, a total, something so complete
his Corsa dissolves into colour and sound.
On TV, the Californian particle physicist
tries to explain in layman's terms: "Imagine
two cars, bricks on the gas, coming at each other
across a six-lane turnpike. There's something
in the trunk of one of the cars
but nobody knows what it is."
Comments
littleditty | December 1, 2008 - 14:07
love this - wondered about 'what it is' - was, and if the poem needs Plato at all, or perhaps that is also an insider racing term i dont know, rather than just the dood himself. Enjoyed very much, great read, cheers -ka-booom!
purlock | December 1, 2008 - 19:03
This is an excellent poem. I love the opening line and the use of driving vocabulary (floored it, head on, total), and the shift between verses is measured well. Brilliant. The direct speech - is that verbatim?
Incidentally, I *think* it's 'layman's terms' not 'laymen's terms'. I may be wrong. But it's worth looking it up. Also 'in to' in the last line of the first verse should be 'into'.
spack | December 2, 2008 - 09:48
Very useful comments. Much appreciated Ditty and Purlock. Changes made...
Joe
spack | December 2, 2008 - 09:51
Littleditty:
do you think that ending - the 'what it is' - a little clunky?
Perhaps:
but nobody knows what.
Hmm...
littleditty | December 2, 2008 - 11:47
Mr spack..i don't know! Good edit. It may be the hangover but I kind of miss more of the humourous vagueness in 'what IT is...' now! did you decide already? tricky business...I will return after medication ->
FTSE100 | December 2, 2008 - 20:53
Much, much better as it was. 'But nobody knows what it is.' It was the contrast of that line that made it for me. Now it's all soft and blunt and sloppy.
mcmanaman | December 3, 2008 - 22:44
I think the ending is better as, 'but nobody's quite sure what' has nice flow
Really like this Spack, great first line too.
mac
spack | December 4, 2008 - 08:28
Thanks for the feedback. I've returned it to 'what it is' after FTSE's passionate defense.
Cheers!
Joe