A Few of Me Limericks...

There was an old prophet called Moses
Who didn’t like getting wet toeses
When he got to the sea
He would part it, ‘cos he
Was much cleverer than one supposes.

A DIY girl called Amanda
Bought herself an electrical sander
And used it to smooth
All the pine tongue-and-groove
That she’d used to construct her verandah.

A detective who lived in Reculver
Got hired as a homicide solver
He deduced “Mrs White
Did the deed in the night
In the library with the revolver.”

There once was a Bishop called Todd –
An iconoclastic old sod
He chopped up and diced
A big statue of Christ
And said “It’s the pieces of God.”

There was a young fellow called Powell
Whose anal emissions were foul
The reason, it’s clear,
Was consumption of beer
Which produced lots of gas in his bowel.

An unfortunate chap named McGrath
Fell asleep while he lay in the bath
Which shrivelled his skin
From his toes to his chin
And shrank his John Thomas by half.

There was a young fellow called Maurice
Who married a woman called Doris
They settled in Stroud
And were soon very proud
Of a new baby boy they called Horace.

A myopic artist named Peel
Portrayed naked women with zeal.
He explained: ‘The detail
Is achieved using braille –
All the bits I can’t see, I just feel.’

A stunning stunt-woman named Cholmondley,
While extremely attractive and colmondley,
Didn’t mind getting bruised
So was quite often used
As a double for Joanna Lolmondley.

There was a young fellow named Titian
Who thought he would make it his mission
To follow his heart
And take lessons in art
Which was rather a splendid decision.

A belligerent Aussie named Luke
Gave the English his strongest rebuke:
‘Yer sheilas are dear
and yer blokes are all queer
and yer beer makes me bloody well puke!’

A Faversham chavvy called Wayne
Wasn’t blessed with a great deal of brain
He went for a drive
In a nicked 205
But got lost, so went home on the train.