Come the night a fire is lit
To ward the dark from fresher minds.
Around the flames the children sit,
Their pooley eyes gaze deep, while hid
Behind the nightly curtain poised
A keeper of the nation's heart
For the celebrated Iliad.
The story-teller soon to start
Felt eager minds, "They've hungered long
For tales already learnt by rote."
And so he stepped into the throng,
A moments pause to clear his throat.
All ears heard as teller spoke,
Until the fire a thread of smoke.
Comments
Richard L. Prov... | February 7, 2012 - 02:46
Steve, this poem is quite good. Check line ten, did you mean rote? You should have at least another line or two before the last one, in my estimation; ie:
of life upon the moors and more
as eyes turned to sleepy mode
until the fire a thread of smoke.
Writing is fun, eh? Cheers, from Richard LP
Denzella | February 7, 2012 - 06:50
Hello Steve_Elliot04,
A Very atmospheric poem. I was there sitting by that fire waiting for the story-teller to begin.
Thank you
Rhiannonw | February 7, 2012 - 09:59
yes, it is atmospheric, and succinct. I did wonder if a light syllable at the beginning of the last line but one would help the rhythm, as (except for line 7) all the others so start, and it is easy to read it emphasising 'ears' and so lose the rhythm. I didn't feel the need for extra lines! Rh
steve_elliott04 | February 7, 2012 - 10:23
Thanks very much for all your comments!
Yes I did mean rote, my bad! Also, I left out any two extra lines to finish as I was looking to follow the form of a basic Shakespearean sonnet. I felt it was important to present storytelling as a 'love'. Although, I can see how the rhythm may suffer for it, at least on the first read. I will definitely have a think and keep working on it.
Rhiannon, I see what you mean about the emphasis on 'ear's. Funny, I hadn't read it like that before you mentioned it!
This is one of the first poems I have written, and I was unsure about putting it up on abctales. However, the feedback has been great so far, so thanks you all very much!
S.
well-wisher | February 7, 2012 - 11:14
Some good lines/images in this, Steve
I really liked:
"Their pooley eyes gaze deep, while hid"
and the last line; it makes a great ending:
"Until the fire a thread of smoke."
Very atmospheric and I could easily visualize the scene in my mind; the night and the fire and the children. Really enjoyed this.
steve_elliott04 | February 7, 2012 - 12:09
Thank you very much! I'm glad you read and enjoyed.
steve_elliott04 | February 7, 2012 - 16:18
It would mean a lot to me if anyone who reads this poem (poetry seems to get a little more attention here) could take the time to read some of my prose work.
I understand that it takes longer to read and critique but, in honesty, I am more serious about prose than poetry. If your not up for getting into a series of chapters, 'The Painter' is a short story. Feedback would be very very much appreciated.
Thanks,
S.
shoe | February 7, 2012 - 19:13
Sorry, I usually only read poetry and hardly ever critique, but I did want to say I like this poem very much. Pooley eyes, nice!
steve_elliott04 | February 7, 2012 - 19:49
No problem at all, I was only drawing attention to it. :)
Thanks very much for your comment, I really appreciate it!
S.