I have always found travelling by train to be a strangely erotic experience, and today is no exception.
I am sitting by the window; the carriage is quite empty but for two other people- a man of about fifty years, with a shock of red hair that tumbles to his shoulders, and a girl of around twenty, who studies a book and frowns at it frequently.
I shift a little in my seat, and stare out at the panorama.
We left Berlin just over fifteen minutes ago, and the sky is already a darkening theatre, the moon and stars impatient to be the main attraction.
My thoughts turn to Anna, the girl I met in Berlin. I think of her eyes, feline and laughing. The bed we had fucked on smelt of other men's sweat and I punished her accordingly. Her perfume had been too sweet. She had dainty little hands and her toenails were painted orange. She wept when I left her, but I had a train to catch and I was bored of her by then anyway. She consistantly pronounced my name wrong, and it got on my nerves.
The train slows, then grinds to a halt. I peer out at a deserted looking station, but it is too dark to see anything much. Rain is falling heavily, and I am suprised- I had not noticed it until now.
The red haired man stands up abruptly and departs, wafting a strange smell into the air as he does so.
The lights flicker off and on for a moment, then there is a jolt and we are off again.
Stretching my legs, I become acutely aware that I am alone with the frowning girl. I have not really paid her much attention, partly hidden as she is behind her book- but I decide to observe her more closely.
She has a delighful neck- long and slender, the skin fair, and she wears a black choker- made of lace and decorated with tiny beads.
The choker fascinates me. It looks quite tight and restrictive and I find it rather appealing.
I wonder if it is a sign. If it is a symbol of something. Does it carry a message? Does she like to be tied up? Does she like to struggle?
I start to fantasise. Yes, she likes to be tied up. Yes, she likes to struggle. Underneath all those sensible clothes, she is wearing a corset and the ribbons are as black as her choker.
She pretends to read because she is trying to hide her true desires. She feigns integrity and innocence to the world, but I see through it.
I feel myself start to stiffen in my pants, and rather than try to conceal it, I let it happen; I let it become obvious. What will she do?
I feel like a monster, but the monster is excited.
I run my tongue over my sharp teeth and wait.
Comments
Dynamaso | May 19, 2009 - 02:53
I really like this. I don't know if you plan on expanding it but I think it is fine as is. I particularly like:
'the sky is already a darkening theatre, the moon and stars impatient to be the main attraction.'
This is an evocative and beautiful image, I think. Overall, this piece reads very well and paces along nicely. The last sentence left me wanting more.
celticman | May 19, 2009 - 07:07
'Time passes. And.' You don't need this. You can take it out and add to the sharpness of the piece. I agree with Dynamaso. The paragraph about Anna shows the ups and downs of desire very well.
pinda | May 19, 2009 - 16:40
Nice,I like your doing bigger things. I especially liked this
The bed we had fucked on smelt of other men's sweat and I punished her accordingly. Her perfume had been too sweet. She had dainty little hands and her toenails were painted orange. She wept when I left her, but I had a train to catch and I was bored of her by then anyway. She consistantly pronounced my name wrong, and it got on my nerves.
Keep at it mate.Holla at me if ya gonna carry this on.let me know x
Pinda
Silver Spun Sand | May 19, 2009 - 17:36
A good piece of writing and a well-deserved cherry. As Dynamaso says, this could be extended, but as it is, it stands alone. Well done:-)
Tina
SundaysChild | May 19, 2009 - 17:38
Dynamaso- thanks so much.
I'm really glad you liked that sentence about the sky :)
I may extend it, but for now I'm going to leave it as it is.
celticman- thanks for taking the time to read it, and let me know your thoughts :)
I see what you are saying and I think I will get rid of that line- it would be sharper without it.
Thanks, pinda-glad you approve. I will let you know if I carry it on :)
Sikander | May 19, 2009 - 17:39
I thought this was great.
Agree with previous moments that it could be extended, that sinister protaginist is so well sketched that we want more!
The section with Anna - and the description Pinda has highlighted - are just wonderful.
Thank you.
SundaysChild | May 19, 2009 - 17:39
What a lovely surprise- the cherry!
I was not expecting that...thanks abctales :)
SundaysChild | May 19, 2009 - 17:49
Oh thanks so much, Sikander!
I really appreciate your comment.
Re extending: I do have some ideas, so will play around with it at some point and see what happens!
sarah wilson | May 19, 2009 - 21:39
A well deserved cherry. This stands alone well I think, but I love a 'snippet'! But I'd definitely read an extended version too.
threeleafshamrock | May 26, 2009 - 12:54
I too would read an extended version but feel that some things are as well left alone; let the imagination of the reader fill in the rest and let THEM take it as far as they wish. Personally I've already had sex and thrown her out the window; but each to his own, lol ;) Good, sharp piece of writing and very entertaining. Well done.
Chris ;)
Kurt Rellians | June 1, 2009 - 22:10
I liked the piece. It conjured up the scene and background very well, was not longwinded or predictable in any way. In this time of short attention spans it works well.
SundaysChild | June 27, 2009 - 17:36
Thank you, Kurt, glad you liked it.
grover | June 29, 2009 - 00:20
I can't fault your writing, it's very tight. The only really bad thing is that it stops just as it gets interesting. You have a good set up for a good character and you write your scenes really well.
What was he doing in Berlin and who is he? He certainly seems like a preditor. You could do so much more and must!
SundaysChild | July 2, 2009 - 18:35
Thanks grover, appreciate your feedback.
I must admit I rather like leaving things to the imagination, but I take on board what you are saying, and I should probably experiment more with plot etc.