You are fearless in a way I shall never know.
You stand by the window and watch the world with slate grey eyes. Your hair catches the sunlight and glows red-gold. My chair creaks as I cross my legs and you turn, suddenly, and face me. You smile your smile and my heart swells with love.
We stare at each other quietly for a few moments.
I hear nothing but the sound of blackbirds singing outside, mellowing me, softening me.
In your gaze, I lose myself in a safe place. I stand and walk to you and take you in my arms.
The kettle boils and clicks off. There is silence.
My memories of you scatter themselves in front of my vision; snapshots of childhood- us in the rain, holding our umbrellas up like crucifixes, me in my red mac clutching your hand whilst you argued with the postman, your cheeks glowing, your shining hair falling around your shoulders- I had never seen you look so beautiful. The day at the farm where I was chased by peacocks; you laughing, a cup of tea in your hand, a slice of cherry bakewell in the other.
I smell your familiar scent as I hug you close to me, a mixture of evening primrose and fresh linen.
I breathe it in and pray I will never forget it.
We let go of each other, eyes shining, moist, and busy ourselves with making tea- your favourite, Earl Gray.
I have a surprise, I say.
Oh?, you reply.
I take out a parcel from my bag and put it on the table.
Open it, I say.
Your hands work at the paper, childlike with excitement.
You remembered, you say.
You study my face and a tear falls slowly down your cheek. The tear is bittersweet. Life is bittersweet.
You fetch a plate and place the cherry bakewell on it, as though nothing has mattered more.
Comments
grover | June 29, 2009 - 00:49
You do write very well, and I think characters are your strong point along with description. I'd like to see something I could really get my teeth into, something with a solid story. I think you'd do a grand job
SundaysChild | June 29, 2009 - 01:09
Thanks for the encouraging comment :)
I do rather enjoy this Flash Fiction thing- I quite like creating little snap shots, but I take on board what you are saying. I just feel I can lose my flow with longer work and have always enjoyed writing more succinct pieces.
I love to experiment with things so maybe I will give your idea a go at some point.
I did actually write a first chapter for a childrens book- I should probably post it on here and see what people make of it.
Thanks again.
grover | June 29, 2009 - 01:16
If you know the ending to your story way in advance, I don't think you'd lose your flow because you'd be building up towards that end. If you make it an exciting ending in your head, you'll be writing away in full flow.
I think a decent length for a short story with a beginning middle and end would be around 1700 - try stick to that and you'll find your writing will be tight.
Keep going you've got talent!
SundaysChild | June 29, 2009 - 01:36
Its interesting you say that- I often write my endings before anything else! Not on the shorter pieces, but when I have attempted longer work- and I agree, it does guide you and help with the flow of the rest.
I will post my childrens story chapter on here at some point, and also think up and ending, and see where it goes- though I do feel that the more succinct pieces will always be my preferred style!
Thanks so much for the feedback. I have just read one of your stories and I was most impressed :)
Curse of 222 | June 29, 2009 - 02:51
this is a well-written piece with good flow. i would be very interested in reading this children's story you're talking about. i've been kicking around a few ideas for stories for my girls. if you post yours i'll post mine.
as for the longer short story idea, if i may intrude on the previous conversation, you may want to try writing a few of your tight flash fiction pieces about the same characters on a short timeline and see if you can sort of stitch them together into a longer piece. may or may not work. just a thought. if you'd like any help or advice feel free to give me a shout.
jason
sarah wilson | June 29, 2009 - 13:16
I love this:)
sarah x
Cavalcaderl | June 29, 2009 - 13:22
new Sundayschild great interesting story full of images and happenings, experiences and memories and suspense at the end. re; Parcel you took from your bag! and unwrapped but it was only slice bakewell? I was thinking it could have been an engagement ring put on top slice bakewell.After loosing a cake other day my 1st "cherry" I went to a caf'e near me blow me on cake stand 8 cherry bakewells homemade large fairy cakes. did not buy at 80p each wicked. Hope you get well deserved cherry julie
threeleafshamrock | June 30, 2009 - 09:43
Lovely snapshot SC. I like the short works, if they are of good quality. I like them for different reasons;
1. They are easy to read; simple with little waste or rhetoric.
2. They allow the reader some licence and scope for his/her imagination.
I like these aspects in short pieces and I like them in yours. I think it can be harder to write a good short piece than a long rambling one; it's a skill ...and you have it. Keep it; embellishments are surplus to requirements.
Enjoyed this, as I have your other works; well done!
Chris X
whiskey | June 30, 2009 - 12:28
It's a beautiful piece, SC, and very well written. Looking forward to reading more. :-)
SundaysChild | July 2, 2009 - 18:32
Thanks so much for the comments guys.
Really means a lot :)
3leafshamrock: thanks so much for the detailed feedback!
Thanks Jason for the suggestions and also for the encouragment re the childrens story idea- we should post them.
Regards, Sunday