I am led out of my cage. He stares coldly down at me from his throne. Candles light the room, flickering within the many skulls carefully carved out for the purpose.
I meet his gaze, unflinching. He may be their master but he is not mine. I stifle a yawn, and his eyes narrow dangerously, perhaps he senses my indifference to him.
“You will walk in The Gardens,” he says.
I bow, stiffly, showing my obedience.
“Take him,” he orders the two skeleton guards.
The chain around my neck is pulled sharply and I stumble forwards. The skeletons creak as they walk. They take me down a damp smelling corridor, and through a black door.
We are outside. The sky is dark purple and the stars look cold. I shiver slightly. The atmosphere is oppressive, and I find myself wishing I was back inside my cage.
The skeleton to my right points to a greenish glow in the distance.
“Go there,” he growls.
I have no choice but to obey. I know that cruel Phantom-Birds stalk the skies and will quickly put an end to any attempts of escape.
The Gardens are not as pleasant as they may sound. They are a maze of Nightmares and ghouls, Doom-Bearers and Doctors. The Doctors are dead men covered in blood, still holding the belief that they have a job to do. If they catch you they will try to Help you. Helping is trying to pull out your teeth, or removing your tongue. The Gardens are a wicked place but if you manage to return with a Trophy you are granted freedom.
I start heading in the direction of the green glow. I have heard that it is a Poisoned Pond. There are many of those in this land and best to be avoided. They live up to their name.
This journey will take me days. I know whilst I walk and search, the sky will never lighten.
Instead it will grow darker, making it harder and harder for me to see. The only light I have comes from the moon. It is growing colder, and I wrap my cape around me tighter, and grip my small dagger tightly. Suddenly, I hear a sound from behind me. I turn and see a beautiful Snow-Dwarf looking up at me. These creatures have long white hair and bright green eyes, and they are Rebels. Once they served the Dark Master, but he treated them so harshly they turned against him.
They suffered as a consequence, and many were slaughtered, but the remaining ones are full of wisdom and determination. It is quite rare to see a Snow-Dwarf, and I kneel down so I am at eye level with her.
“I bring news, Caged one,” she whispers, “The Gardens are more dangerous than usual.
The Dark Master senses your skills and the fire that burns in your heart. He has made this challenge even harder for you. The Trophies are hidden deep within the ground. You will need great courage to succeed. I have for you a sword.
Treat it well and speak to it as though it were a friend, it will reward you with great gifts.”
The Snow-Dwarf looks deep into my eyes.
“We are all relying on you, Sir,” and then she melts to the ground and is gone.
I stand up, slowly and study my sword. It is shining and seems to pull me to it. Close to my ear, it whispers to me, words that as of yet I do not understand, but I feel it’s potential and it strengthens me. I take a deep breath and walk forwards. The surrounding trees are like black, crooked hands, reaching up to the sky, and they murmur strange chants as I pass them by.
How I miss my faithful black horse, Duality and his awesome speed and intelligence. What wouldn’t I give to hear his hooves come pounding towards me, to carry me away back to my native land and my fair Lady Arcaseas who waits for me there.
I must accept my destiny and fulfil it. I must face the horrors of The Gardens, with a willing heart, otherwise I fear I will succumb to the path of failure like so many have before me.

Comments
HOMER05 | December 3, 2010 - 23:11
Hi Sundayschild. I'm into things like Harry Potter and Narnia. So I thought this looked good. I wasn't disappointed, this is a good story. If you are planning on doing a series, I'll be reading it. Luv Homer xx :)
White Dwarf | December 4, 2010 - 00:54
"The Gardens are not as pleasant as they may sound. They are a maze of Nightmares and ghouls, Doom-Bearers and Doctors. The Doctors are dead men covered in blood, still holding the belief that they have a job to do. If they catch you they will try to Help you. Helping is trying to pull out your teeth, or removing your tongue. The Gardens are a wicked place but if you manage to return with a Trophy you are granted freedom."
Great ideas, but too much exposition at once.
"These creatures have long white hair and bright green eyes, and they are Rebels. Once they served the Dark Master, but he treated them so harshly they turned against him.
They suffered as a consequence, and many were slaughtered, but the remaining ones are full of wisdom and determination."
Exposition in the first person present tense stops the story's forward motion and sounds like the hero is lecturing a class or conducting a tour.
Also I think it's best to stay away from first person present tense for fantasy. The subject matter is strange enough without adding another aspect of the unreal.
I'm probably not the best person to give advice on this, as I'm not a fan of serious fantasy.
Because I HATE talking swords... unless the hero is completely insane and the sword is telling them to skewer as hobits, gnomes and pixies as they can and make a fantasy shish kabob.
Hope I haven't been too much of a downer. I love your work.
Respect
Luke
SundaysChild | December 4, 2010 - 09:19
Hey Homer, thanks for your comment :)
SundaysChild | December 4, 2010 - 09:39
White Dwarf- Not a downer at all- thanks for the detailed feedback, I am interested in what you are saying here and I see what you mean about the hero lecturing a class etc etc. I read it over and it did sound a bit 'tour guide' lol. Are you suggesting I should drop bits of info more slowly into the story?
I'm not a big fantasy reader by any means- I have read The Hobbit which I enjoyed (I was surprised) and then started the Trilogy of Lord Of the Rings but just stopped reading it after a while with the intention to carry on at some point- it didn't grab me enough in the sense that I couldn't put the book down.
I laughed out loud at this:
Because I HATE talking swords... unless the hero is completely insane and the sword is telling them to skewer as hobits, gnomes and pixies as they can and make a fantasy shish kabob.
Are there many talking swords? I suppose there must be, it is hardly an original idea. Indeed I find with most 'typical' fantasy I have come across there are nearly always cliches that exist which I have unashamedly latched onto here (hero, quest, need for courage, creepy baddies and wronged good guys with dashing horses and the like) which on the one hand can be annoying but if done well can be a good read.
I will probably put this to bed for now but if I do pick it up again I will be sure to do so with your advice in mind.
Sunday x
White Dwarf | December 4, 2010 - 09:54
Glad you understood :)
and yeah.. loads of talking swords, and more prevalent are the Named swords, forged in the fires of whatever volcano.
Serious fantasy bothers me. And it's mostly Tolkien's fault. (loved his books though at the time)
That said, Terry Pratchett is one my favourite writers of all time, he uses all the cliches but in a very funny and creative way.
SundaysChild | December 4, 2010 - 10:05
Lol you do make me laugh:
and more prevalent are the Named swords, forged in the fires of whatever volcano.
Yeah I've heard people talking favourably about Terry Pratchett- I should give one of his books a go.
Thanks again :)
HOMER05 | December 4, 2010 - 14:23
U're very welcome, SundaysChild. I shall be looking out 4 more of your work. xx :)