IP: Slide

Morning SundaysChild! Well I really love the imagery in this poem and it has great rhythm! Here's my suggestion for the punctuation in the first two stanzas, (the third is fine!):

I glide,
slippery
slide,
towards you;
a snake in the
grasses,
to the entwined roots
of your cypress tree,
of your red raw feet.

I curl,
crash
into you,
unseen -
and you dream
noisily,
withering away.
You dream of the girl;
the name you can't speak.

Hope this helps ;)

Magic xxx

Ah, Magic thank you- that is much better and reads as I wanted it to- will edit it now. Glad you liked it too.
Cheers :)

Thanks for the cherry abctales! :)

I missed this one completely and I am glad I have found it now. Well done on a much deserved cherry.

Tina

Thanks so much Tina :)

I like it too. I have a soft spot for bathos and so it appeals to me.

There is one more punctuation point though. The grammatical rule is that a series of adjectives should be separated by commas. So, technically, it should be 'red, raw feet'.

Although I'm a stickler for punctuation usually, I think the rhythm should be the controlling factor here. Inserting a comma will have a tendancy to make readers take a pause. If you want them to, put the comma in. If you don't want them to, leave it out.

But beware of what I call the 'Wilde comma'. Oscar Wilde once wrote, "I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again."

Helvigo Jenkins

h jenkins: Thank you for the detailed feedback- very interesting indeed.

really like this poem, and a unusual but brilliant take on the I.P, I struggle with punctuation too, I might give it up for lent,

Lol shoe.
Thanks for your feedback, glad you liked it :)

Brilliant! The last stanza is a spit'n'polish finish. A well deserved cherry.

Nathan.

Brilliant.I really enjoyed. Love this stanza:

"I curl,
crash
into you,
unseen -
and you dream
noisily,
withering away.
You dream of the girl;
the name you can't speak."

Beeme xx

new sundaysChild
well deserved cherry!and IP
This is really punchy!
The stanza
This sport is relentless,
it's this endless thing you do;
it is I who should win medals,
for putting up with you.
Yes.I absolutely feel the same
with mine.No connections?
beyond endurance.
many years.keep smiling.
julie x cavalcader x

I've been away for a bit so to come back and see something as special as this just makes my day.