Little Brother

Please advise me about punctuation.
I am in a muddle with it.
Does it make sense as it stands?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

I like the way you've put this together... it says a lot in a few words, and it does make sense. As for punctuation... I'm mainly into short stories so find it hard to comment on poetry.
Steve

Got a good flow an I like it!!
Short,snappy,rhymes are ya style an it suits you good
As for this piece I like tha concept of the piece
I feel the heat you would go under for ya Bro
An I LOVE the way ya end the piece with
"TAKING THE IMPACT OF THE FALL"
Its a sort of soft landing showing love an gratitide towards ya bro
Overall It's good,as for punctuation
---------------------------------
My opinion is-when you say
"Ill hide my tears and wipe away yours". I would take the connective out an to me it gives more sensational flow and qucik response. the and makes it seem like your questioning if you would wip his tears
So I would do this
"I'll hide my tears,wipe away yours".sounds better without connectives

Thats it's really overall 9 out of 10, nice work bro
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I wanna see more from you so when you can let me know when you done some more work,message me on my poems or something an I'll check yours out!!

Keep rocking x

Hi.

You need a semi-colon after 'arm' because that line is a complete main clause.

You could possibly change the semi after 'yours' to a full-stop to give greater impact by ending on a direct sentence.

I really like this. The symetry of the thing is charming.

SundaysChild, this is lovely.
So simple and yet you can pull so much out of it just with the hit of 'I'll hide my tears'.
Lovely. Lovely.

Thanks Steve, I appreciate your feedback:)

Cheers pinda, it's really interesting to hear what you think; glad you liked it and thanks for the suggestions :)

JM, great to get your views on this one, means a lot.
I will get it sorted out.

Sikander, I'm so happy you liked it, and I loved that you described 'I'll hide my tears' as a 'hit'.
Thanks for 'getting it'.

I think Jasper has probably covered your questions regarding punctuation. I'm just gonna say this is yet another great little piece.

Short, effective. Jasper has nailed the punctuation.

Would you consider 'impact, or the fall' as part of your last line? Let me know what you think. I wonder if that choice actually ever occurred to the poor child's mother.

Regards

Ewan

Powerful stuff Sunday. I like it a lot;-)

Wonderful and powerful, as sarah says. So very moving.

Tina

This is another little gem of a poem - very effective and again packs a punch. I do really like Ewan's suggestion of 'impact, or the fall'. As for my two cents with punctuation - this line;

'I'll hide my tears and wipe away yours;'

Pinda is right with the removal of the 'and' but I would replace it with a dash, not a comma;

'I'll hide my tears - wipe away yours;' as this gives the poem a pause and that extra bit of thought!

Magic xxx

Thanks for the feedback, everyone!

Ewan- thanks for the suggestion, however I rather like the repetition of: 'of the fall'.
And this is no 'poor child', lol, this is for my younger brother and about how protective I am of him in a 'big sister' way; your comment about our mother rather confused me- this is to do with MY love for my brother- no more, no less!

Magic, glad you liked it and thanks so much for the idea.
I will play around with the piece a little more and see what I think :)

Ahh... your teaser confused me, my mistake.

Ewan

No worries, Ewan, thanks for letting me know- I will probably change the teaser :)

Another Gem!

Chris

I really enjoyed this. It's charming.

Beeme.

L. Gebrakedan

Short and sweet, we all have an inane need to look out for our nearest and dearest