Encounters

Only the bed betrayed their secrets
In its crumpled sheets and the smear
Of her lips on the pillows.

I love this image.

Not too sure about the last two lines, seem too obvious, somehow, but not sure what to put instead...?

This is really excellent. I love how it reads, very gentle and sad. I like the last two lines...just to be difficult.

I really like this, its full of great lines and ideas, and attains a nice depth at the end. I don't have a problem with the last two lines but Jennifer's comment got me thinking and I couldn't resist suggesting

"Trying hard to impress a meaning into the cold sheets of his heart"

just a cheap metaphor :) but as I say I really like it as it is.

"In the morning she was gone from him
Leaving soft traces of sleep
On his cheeks."

This invokes a lovely image and fits well with the last three lines of the stanza.

Very nice...

Thanks Jennifer - too obvious 'cos of the wording or meaning? You've got me thinking.

thanks - just as I replied to Jennifer, you've gotme thinking. Always good to suggestions for alternative/better phrasing.

thank you Dynamaso

not difficult Doeslittle - I like a bit contention and challenge. Just don't know yet how I want to change or if I want to change this.

I think it's just too obvious in both wording and meaning:

Trying hard to press a meaning
To the cold seeping into his heart.

He's not really trying, is he? He's in denial.

I like keleph's 'sheets of his heart' suggestion because it continues the bed theme and turns it into a more metaphorical poem.

Hoping one (of the women, that is) would press a meaning /
Into the cold sheets of his heart.

That could also be read as 'press' as in ironing, going with the crumpled sheets image - thereby the crumpled nature of the sheets becomes a metaphor for the state of his heart, etc, etc.

I think I might be procrastinating and also trying to be too clever.

Thanks Jennifer - picking up on your observation of denial I've changed the ending but am still not entirely happy with it

is enjoying the debate and has a suggestion to make, in the spirit of less is more:
'And he moved between them all,
The cold seeping into his heart.'

Like it - done it. Thanks animan.

And now it gets a cherry!

ooooh! Thank You. And a big thanks again to all for the very useful crits. if the cherry were a pie, you'd get big slices.

She's my cherry pie, la la la la etc etc Now you've made me hungry, well done on the cherries and the record number of comments ever, is it?