Delicate threads of starry light
snaked through branches of skeletal trees
beyond our worn and hallowed room;
and the river rippled close by.
We danced to the music of Our Lady's bells
and sweated the nights on a tiny bed
which gently rocked and softly groaned
as the river rippled close by.
The moonlight crept through the window
and fell on our thin woven limbs;
the velvets slipped to the polished floor
whilst the river rippled close by.
It was the city of love and lovers,
our city for those few days.
We vowed our love was eternal
and the river still ripples close by.
Comments
jennifer | June 15, 2009 - 14:49
Love the repetition of the river ripples, really lovely imagery throughout.
I have only one crit for this poem - your over-use of the full stop - it breaks uop the rhythm a little too harshly - a comma or semi-colon would suffice, depending on where,
J x
sunshine | June 15, 2009 - 15:50
Thanks for the crit Jennifer - now you've pointed out the full stops they scream at me like headlights in the night! Will delete some immediately, Glad you like the ripples blah blah as this was intended, although geographically accurate, as a subtle (too subtle?) reminder of the transient nature of everything. Margot
Jupiter | June 15, 2009 - 18:08
So a good time was had by all then Margot? ;D lol
I love the line
"and sweated the nights on a tiny bed"
- brings the memories flooding back. ;-)
Not sure I would have picked up on the repetition of the ripples until Jennifer mentioned it but now I think of it, it keeps the
"which gently rocked and softly groaned" idea going through the piece.
The "transient nature of everything" is a writing step too far for me at the moment however I do find in reading your work, especially when you explain it, that there are some great pointers for my own. Thank you Margot. I enjoyed it. ;-)
jennifer | June 15, 2009 - 20:53
Yes, much better now, flows a lot more smoothly!
J x
threeleafshamrock | June 15, 2009 - 21:35
Ripples by at a lovely pace; very satisfying. I love the repetition too; really works well.
Chris ;)
DraxB | June 16, 2009 - 16:19
Just lovely. I can't believe no one has tried to guess where this is set. Perhaps I'm too literal.
sunshine | June 17, 2009 - 20:04
Thanks Jupe - that's such an encouraging comment.
sunshine | June 17, 2009 - 20:05
thank you Chris, glad the pace worked for you. Margot
sunshine | June 17, 2009 - 20:07
Well it doesn't really matter where it's set - but the clue is in 'Our Lady's bells: Paris is the only other clue I'll give tho' of course it will be easy to find on google now. Margot