La Mente, Le Mente.

Cutting down the dosage transports terrifying fears.
Prompting childhood imagery of my father insisting dominantly I cycle without stabilizers.
Stability.
It's never been my forte.
Echos in my head of,"you are not good enough,"torment me.
A few weeks have passed where I've firmly grasped the wheel,
maintained an even keel.

Attentively,I've been Guiding my inner taxi driver on a direct route.
Subconsciously alert that a collision ahead could provoke an emergency stop.
Bearing in mind how my," ever changing moods," fluctuate.
Mentally noting sharply, I'm currently passing through my,"good girl," phase at present.
Flashing lights spontaneously alert me,
signalling through clouds of brain-fog a self destructive, "pile up," is on its way at the next crossroads.
I must think positively and ride out the storm.

I crave for simplicity yet my conflicts fight for complexity.
Maybe it's my aries instinct.
Often I create film takes in my fantasies
then wake up bathed in cold sweats realising my reality.
Failing to distinguish dream-state from consciousness.
How can one so God fearing effortlessly waltz with the Devil ?
Like a disassociated personality.
I smell the coffee and take a step back,
turn to myself and ask,
who are you?
When I follow the ten commandments,
I feel like I am cushioned,protected if you like
from falling from grace into my,"sinful," persona.
It almost feels like fusion has occurred.
Until, I wake to find I'm somewhere else,with someone else, as someone else.
So brave am I for such a timid thing,
I find myself applauding.
Then comes the aftermath of what might have happened.
I become the hamster in a wheel at midnight.
My worst case scenarios spinning round and round my reeling mind.
I sheepishly resort into recluse mode.
Usually working excessively to try and cleanse my thoughts.
Gradually, fear diminishes as I keep a low profile and, "employee of the month," masks my darker side.
I'll always be me.
Sometimes I like her,
At other times I loathe her complicated traits and try to run a mile,
yet she catches me up everytime.
Trembling inside myself,
I force myself to look her square in the eyes these days and face her bravely.