First day in a new job
By Terrence Oblong
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It’s quite simple really, the prayers come in here, and you sort them into the appropriate pile.
“How will I know which pile the prayers go in?”
“You’ll soon pick it up. I’ll go through a few with you.”
The angel picks up a prayer from the incoming pile.
“This one’s from a Mrs Higgins. ‘Dear God,’ they’ll pretty much all be addressed to God, don’t worry about that you, you’re acting in God’s name.”
“Okay. That’s a bit daunting.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. The system is very straightforward and totally in keeping with God’s wishes. Now, let’s see what she says. ‘My daughter’s expecting a baby shortly, as you know her last baby miscarried and I was hoping you could see your way to ensuring this one is safely delivered.’”
“Gosh, that sounds tricky.”
“No, no, not at all. God, in his infinite wisdom, has decided on a period of non-intervention. His will is already set in relation the girl’s baby, so this prayer goes straight into this pile. Non Com Non In.
“Non Com Non In?”
“Non compliable due to non intervention policy.”
“Non compliable?”
“It means we don’t respond to the prayer.”
“What, no reply even?”
“God rarely replied directly to prayers, even in his more active period when he knew his actions were being recorded for the bible. Just a few quotable addresses to Moses and the like. Right, let’s have a look at this one, from an Elsie Darlington. ‘Dear Lord, I know you haven’t heard from me for a while,’ we can check this on the database actually, ah, yes, she’s right, the last time she prayed was seven years ago when her cat when missing.”
“What happened to the cat?”
“We don’t keep a record of that sort of thing. Her prayer would have gone straight into the Non Com Non In pile. Now, what’s she after this time? ‘Dear Lord, I am a sinful person, but I believe I can become good, if you would just see fit to let me win the Lottery this weekend. Second prize would do, just a few hundred thousand to let me start again.”
“I didn’t realise the Lottery was still going. So does that go in the Non Com Non In pile?”
“No, that goes in this pile, the Non Com PS pile.”
“Non Com PS?”
“Non compliable as it’s a request for personal sin.”
“Personal sin?”
“Greed. We get a lot like that. Greed and lust, those are the big two. We get a lot of prayers asking us for help getting the fruit of their desire into the bedroom.”
“Okay, let me try one. It’s from a Simon Giddings. According to the database he prays every few weeks.”
“Good idea to check. Well done. It shows initiative, and we could do with a bit more of that in heaven I can tell you.”
“Right. ‘Dear God, I have done a very foolish thing, said some very unwise words to my wife and I fear she’ll never speak to me again. If you could transport me back a day, give me a second chance, I would be eternally thankful.’ Hmm, is this is Non Com Non In?”
“No, good suggestion, but it goes in this pile here, Non Com Nonmi.”
“Non Com Nomi?”
“Non Compliance No Miracles. You see going back in time and reliving the situation would require a miracle, and God has decided that the age of miracles has past.”
“Just looking through these all these prayers in the in-tray, they all seem to fit into one of the three piles.”
“That’s right.”
“Don’t we ever grant a prayer? Do we even answer one?”
“I can hardly anticipate what’s going to be in a prayer.”
“But if God has a non-intervention policy it seems to rule out us ever actually taking any action or replying.”
“That depends on what the prayer asks for. It’s why we have to study them all, so that they can be dealt with appropriately.”
“Have you ever answered a prayer?”
“Well, not me personally. But then I’ve been at managerial level for a while, I don’t get very hands on these days.”
“Or witnessed a prayer being answered?”
“Well no, not in my time here, actually I haven’t.”
“How long have you been here?”
“Well, since the dawn of time. No, I tell a lie, the week before the dawn of time.”
“So basically, we don’t answer prayers. So why are we here? Couldn’t we use our angelic powers for good, to help mankind, instead of sitting here sorting their prayers into pointless piles.”
“We play a vital role, ensuring that every single prayer is heard. If you feel you’re not up to the job …”
“No wait. There’s a prayer here for us.”
“They’re all for us.”
“No, I mean one that’s an action for us. You know, I think we could actually fulfil this one.”
“Surely not. Let me take a look. ‘Dear Lord, I am slowly dying, but before I pass away I would like the heavenly choir of angels to sing.’ No, no, no – we can’t perform for him, that’s totally against the non-intervention policy.”
“But if you read it carefully, he doesn’t actually say we have to sing for him, or even that he has to hear it. It’s just a request for us to sing.”
“Good lord, I think you’re right.”
“Which isn’t an intervention, isn’t a miracle, isn’t a sin, it’s just a bunch of angels having a sing-song. Surely we can answer this prayer.”
“Well, I don’t know. It’s years since we’ve performed. Let me talk to some of the lads.”
After an angelic consultation the angel returned.
“You were right. We all agree that, as written, the prayer is simply a request for us to sing and we’ve agreed. Do join in if you know the tune – Sunny Afternoon by the Kinks.”
“Ah, I love that song.”
And so heaven was filled with the songs of the angelic choir, doing more than justice to the Ray Davies masterpiece.
“Well, I’m so glad that on my first day I managed to answer a prayer.”
“Yeah, and it was nice to get the band back together. It’s been a while.”
“Hey, look, another prayer for us. ‘Dear Lord, will the angelic choir be releasing a CD?’”
“Hmm, tricky. I suppose it’s not an intervention as such, nor a miracle, and hopefully not a sin.”
“Depends what you record.”
“Ha, ha. Funny, we’ve often talked about doing a CD. Hey lads, they want us to make a record.”
“And this next prayer’s asking if we’d be willing to play a gig at the Fair Trade Hall.”
“Goodness gracious no. We’d never sell out a venue that size. I suppose we could try a smaller venue though, that’s within the spirit of the prayer. What’s the name of that venue next door to the Fair Trade Hall?”
Which is how the angelic choir came to be playing at the Less Fair Trade Hall this weekend. Tickets are selling out fast, make sure you book yours now. CDs, T-shirts and tea-towels will be on sale in the foyer.
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