Basic Training

RIGHT! YOU BUNCH OF MISERABLE LITTLE SHITS; I AM SERGEANT COCKER! IT IS MY JOB TO TURN YOU MUMMY’S BOYS INTO MEN THAT ARE FIT TO WEAR THE UNIFORM OF THE WORLDS GREATEST FIGHTING FORCE ON EARTH, OR ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE PLANET; ERGO, THE BRITISH ARMY! IT IS MY AIM…..WHAT IS YOU LOOKING AT; YES YOU WITH THE SPECS?

Well, I was looking at you Sergeant!

WHAT IS YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR; DO YOU FANCY ME BOY?

What? No, I was always taught that it was rather good manners to look at someone when being addressed by them.

OH, WAS YOU? WELL I RA-THER THINK IT WOULD BE FAR BETTER MANNERS IF YOU LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD ‘POSH’; THAT WAY, IF I FEEL LIKE SCRATCHING MY BOLLOCKS OR STICKING MY FINGER UP MY ARSE, WHILE ADDRESSING YOU; IT WILL BE FAR LESS EMBARRASSING FOR BOTH OF US, WON’T IT?...AND YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS SERGEANT!

It would certainly be less embarrassing! Whether or not, it would be very mannerly, on your part is obviously questionable…Sergeant. I would respectfully suggest that if you wish to scratch your privates or place anything – including your finger – in your rectum, that maybe you should pop into the loo and do it, in order to gain some privacy.

ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS, YOU POSH LITTLE PRICK?

Certainly not Sergeant! But I don’t see why you must be so aggressive or loud. Swearing or insulting people will not get you anywhere; in my experience, people will tend to think of you as rather an uncouth oaf.

UN...UN…UNCOUTH OAF!! I’LL HAVE YOUR BALLS FOR BREAKFAST, YOU LITTLE SPERM BAG! DROP AND GIVE ME 20 PUSH-UPS; NOW!

Gosh, I don’t see what good that will do, really I don’t. I shall be quite puffed and the tarmac will undoubtedly destroy my hands. I have very delicate nails too; something to do with calcium deficiency, or so I’m told.

ARE YOU SOME KIND OF DEMENTED SHIRT-LIFTER? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ARMY, YOU BENT BASTARD? GET DOWN, OR I’LL RAM MY BATON UP YOUR BONY ARSE!

Tut, tut…more insults and if I may say so; of a very hurtful nature. I hardly think that this is YOUR army sergeant and even, was it so; I think we are a little more civilized than to go around shoving batons up peoples’ rear ends. I must strongly object to being called a ‘shirt-lifter’ or ‘bent’. I think the PC description is ‘Gay’. I must also point out, that it is not I but you, who seem to have a preoccupation with inserting objects in your - and indeed other peoples’ - anus’.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, YOU TURD ON LEGS?

John Smyth sergeant; that’s with a ‘y’!

PRIVATE!

Unless I’m among friends; yes, very private actually.

I MEAN YOU ARE CALLED ‘PRIVATE’; ‘PRIVATE SMYTH; WITH OR WITHOUT A FUCKING ‘Y’!

If you insist …sergeant!

I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE A FUCKING MISERY, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Well, I must say; you are making a damn fine job of it so far…sergeant! I am quite wounded by your attitude towards me and I’m afraid, if you keep it up, there will be tears!

JESUS H.; YOU ARE NOT FIT TO WEAR THE UNIFORM OF THE QUEENS’ REGIMENT!

Well, on that point sergeant; these boots that were issued to me by the man in the clothes shop are rather too large! I did specifically request size 6 and these must be at least size 9; my feet are virtually swimming in them. They shall cause blisters; I can see myself being up all night rubbing cream into them! And to make matters worse; I received no receipt for them; I hope he exchanges them for me without to much trouble!

TH…TH….THA…THAT IS NOT A ‘CLOTHES SHOP’, YOU LITTLE PRICK! IT IS THE QUARTERMASTERS’ STORE AND IT IS NOT HIS FAULT THAT YOU HAVE FEET LIKE A FUCKING PYGMY.

Good Lord Sergeant, I really think that you need to take a chill pill! Your blood pressure is going to suffer; you are turning quite alarming colours. If you suffer a stroke, I hope that you will not lay the blame at my feet; please excuse the pun, hmm!

ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME, YOU BASTARD; I’LL CUT YOUR LEGS CLEAN OFF!

That might cure the problem of the tight boots…sergeant but I hardly think it will help me walk around like a soldier.

WE DON’T WALK; WE MARCH!

Well in my present predicament, it will be more a case of drag and drop; I could take 2 steps in these boots before I start moving at all!

LET’S TEST YOUR THEORY, SHALL WE? FALL OUT AND MARCH DOWN THE PARADE GROUND!

Fall out? Would you have me walk or crawl Sergeant? I have a heard that an army moves on its stomach but I didn’t take it to mean literally.

TAKE 2 STEPS FORWARD AND FACE RIGHT, FOOL!

Would that be your right or my right Sergeant?

YOURRRRRR RIGHT, YOU CRETIN! TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF OF YOUR HIPS, YOU FUCKING NANCY BOY!

Actually Sergeant, I am holding up my fatigues, which are least 2 sizes to big as well. That man in the ‘Quart of plaster’ store really has no eye for sizes at all. Someone with a little more fashion sense would do much better there. I mean, look at your cap; it’s right down in front of your eyes; your head is tilted back all the time just so you can see in front of you! You could do yourself a mischief; maybe crack your shin or fall into a hole or something.

MARCH, YOU FUCKING WANKER BEFORE I PUT YOU IN A HOLE! LEFT, RIGHT; LEFT, RIGHT; LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT….WHAT ARE YOU HOPPING FOR YOU LUNATIC? I SAID MARCH; NOT DANCE A FUCKING SEA SHANTY!

Well, I was doing OK but what happened to ‘RIGHT’ all I can here is ‘LEFT, LEFT’! I can already feel the blisters starting to rise on my big toe!

I’LL RAISE BLISTERS ON YOUR STUPID FUCKING ARSE WITH MY BOOT YOU MORON!

Right, well that’s enough for me; I want to see the manager, I’m resigning!

GET OUT! GET OUT! GET YOUR CIVVIES, GET DRESSED AND GET OUT! IF I EVER SEE YOU INSIDE THE GATES AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY SHOOT YOU!

Fine; suits me! I’ll try the navy; they have bell bottoms too! I would have gone there first, if it weren’t for the sea sickness; but I’ll get tablets for it, like I do for the Woolwich ferry! You are a very rude man Sergeant! I don’t believe I like you at all; and you can tell your friend in the ‘Quart of plaster’ store, that he is blind!

IT’S ‘QUARTERMASTER’, GET OUT!!!!!!!

Hmm! Goodbye!