The old leather frame had not stood amongst the keepsakes on
the sideboard in the ‘parlour’ of my grandmothers’ house.
There were a myriad other frames there;
some were silver, others gold or maybe brass.
They were oval, square and rectangular in shape;
as diverse as the cluster of memories they imprisoned.
I was there of course; in fact I hogged a major section.
My life to date chronologically ordered; front to back.
My first school uniform too mortar board and gown;
proudly pointed out to various girl friends and
accompanied, eloquently and unambiguously
with commentary; like a professional guide
showing visitors some rare and priceless treasure.
On the back of each frame, written in a small neat hand
could be found the documentation relevant
to the photograph within; date, age, place and reason
for inclusion in this shelved history;
‘Chris, 4 years and 9 months, first day of school,
St. Patrick’s, Griffin Road, Plumstead, 1st. September 1960.
Please God, look after him and keep him from harm.
He is so small and I love him so; my little angel!’
I felt a tear escape and splash onto my thumbnail.
I picked up the brown leather frame; made conspicuous
by its age and the deeply yellowed and cracking print.
Strange, that this particular photograph, though old,
was new to me. I felt that I would have noticed it,
had it been displayed amongst its polished contemporaries.
The photograph – barely discernable – seemed to be of
a young man wearing a uniform and a big smile.
I flipped it over and found, slipped into the border
a plastic envelope. I removed it and there, written in
The same small, neat hand on the back of the frame;
‘Patrick, 19 years and 7 months, basic training completed,
Woolwich barracks, 16th May, 1916. Please God
send him back to me; he is my love, my heart, my soul,
my husband, my everything; I will never love another!’
I was stunned and shaken. She had asked that these two
Photographs accompany her on her journey.
I had placed mine, as requested and as I glanced again
At the older, brown leather frame, I noticed something
‘scrawled’ in the bottom left hand corner;
‘Patrick 1896 – 1916 R.I.P.’
Too many memories, too many thoughts cascaded down
the waterfall that were my emotions.
I replaced the sheet in the plastic and re-fitted it too the frame
laying it beside mine in grandmother’s coffin.
Comments
threeleafshamrock | July 27, 2009 - 12:58
Bugger! Still not happy. It seemed to long before and yet incomplete; now reading it, it feels like there is something vital missing.
It's not life and death but would appreciate any views on this. Like I say it's not a massive priority, only me and short stories just don't seem to work well together and I would really like it to be different LOL.
sarah wilson | July 27, 2009 - 14:39
Well I must admit I preferred the first one, more poetic perhoas. And there were some gaps for the reader to fill in. I found the first ending more poignant. Don't know if this helps or not!
It's a lovely piece btw. sarah x
celticman | July 27, 2009 - 16:42
My mother and father were killed in a car accident. They were on the way to vist me at college...I'd start here...(how did you feel) eg.I wasn't to blame, but I felt it was least partly my fault? Nan didn't blame me...
Nan's intellect and company, unpack that, what do you mean? give an example(s)
It's a nice little piece.
threeleafshamrock | July 27, 2009 - 17:42
Thanks Sarah and Cman. Taken on board and will come back to this for another go; determined to get this right. Much appreciated.
russiandoll | July 27, 2009 - 19:25
It's lovely.
I agree that more response is needed about Mum and Dad's terrible accident, it's such a big part of the story that it can't just be listed as an event, if you see what I mean?
Also, maybe I'd try swapping out brackets for commas to personalise it a bit more - the brackets are giving it a slight academic feel for me.
Other than that I think it's very lovely indeed - warm and detailed without being cluttered. It has a nice light feel and leaves me wanting to know more.
sunshine | July 27, 2009 - 19:27
I think I prefer the earlier version, although the final sentence here is better, it is more charged with feeling. Celticman has a good suggestion I think. Margot
threeleafshamrock | July 27, 2009 - 20:00
Thanks doll and sunshine; appreciate all the feedback and look forward to pulling this and work some more on it...prob tomorrow ;)
insertponceyfre... | July 28, 2009 - 04:12
I preferred the first one too - like Sarah said, it had gaps for people to fill in. When I read it, I liked the ambiguity of the missing parts.
this version is interesting but maybe it needs to be longer, like celticman says
why not keep the first as it is, and then do another, more detailed version of this one? I'd definitely like to read it
MistakenMagic | July 28, 2009 - 07:38
Hmmm I have to say I preferred the first one as well. I'm not sure about the structure/layout of this version. But I'll keep watch for any new versions you create!
Magic xxx
threeleafshamrock | July 28, 2009 - 09:25
Thanks for all the helpful feedback folks. I am going to replace this with the original and work on it.
This will make your comments seem redundant but you all know what is going on.
I like Celticman's idea and will start there.
Thanks for giving me your time on this, it really is much appreciated.
Chris ;)
mcscraic | August 3, 2009 - 23:03
Its wonderful how love captured in the heart , can be brought through a cameras lens and that photo placed inside a coffin to accompany your beautiful grandmother .
God bless you all .
Thanks for this one threeleaf shamrock .
threeleafshamrock | August 4, 2009 - 07:52
Thanks Paul ;)
Don't know if you have been back to Belfast since the troubles but the place is buzzing. The humour (which in fairness, never really went away) is evident and the old 'cead mile failte' actually feels meant; thank God!
Good luck with the songs and the singing ;)