Choices?

This is really good! Read it three times. Can't decide which verse I like the best - but I do like 'his diplomatic pouch'... a really good read. x

you deserve a cherry! x

Thanks Miss D. and thanks for offering your cherry given that I hardly know you lol. ;)
Glad you liked, thanks for reading and the kind words. XXX

Cheer up threeleaf. Here comes Santa....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gundu1yLjWY

Thanks chuck and Happy Christmas ;)

Now that is funny, Chuck. I feel like I've been watching Guinness and drinking Dylan... are you sure it's not Tom Waits taking the piss?

Almost forgot, TLS,

(and this is a personal opinion, so just ignore it, I'm sure better critics than me would advise differently).

I would lose the last stanza. Then your beggar would be last, then that stanza probably needs a little revision: I would look for a full rhyme to replace the half-rhyme of toss/socks. That might mean an extensive rethink of that stanza come to think of it. If you end up keeping 'Socks' by the way, "there're", whilst grammatically correct (and punctuated properly :-)) trips up the tongue a bit. You could use 'he's' - the contraction for 'he has' - and it sounds quite Oirish like that, no?
"And he's holes in both his socks"

Well disciplined form for most of the way through.

regards
Ewan.

I loved the lines 'A beggar searches through his rags for a coin that he can toss, But his pockets are full of empty, and there are holes in both his socks.' I don't think the last line of the verse works though. It doesn't scan for me !.

It surprised me too Ewan. I'm still making mental adjustments.

Ewan and Hilary; great minds think alike and I have to agree. Got rid of 'toss' and last stanza, which was a bit superfluous anyway. Changed 'there're' for 'he's' and also the second last line, which I wasn't happy with;

'Life is tough and it's enough,
Without fucking yourself!

The rhythm may not be perfect all the way but it was written in a song-like way and in a kind of Dylan style (in as much as Dylan actually sings lol). So there may be a couple of 'beats' mashed into one in places. Anyway, think it looks better now and thanks for the help ;)

I think you've made it worse. You should have kept the first lines of what is now the last verse, and somehow dumped 'without fucking yourself'.

Hilary has a point: the line with keys and locks is somewhat forced... I know I said you'd be better with a full rhyme, but no-one said poetry is easy. It did stick out with the half rhyme when the equivalent lines in the other stanzas had full ones.

Hilary's point about "without fucking yourself" will become clear if you say the last couplet of each stanza out loud, and then do the same with the last line of each stanza on its own. Try to hear the beats.

You could put your original first lines of that last stanza back of course, and it would be better than the changed version, I agree.

You could argue that 'violin' and 'been' are a half-rhyme in stanza one, in which case you could claim the half-rhyme in the final stanza was for symmetry's sake. However, when I read 'been' I hear 'bin' in my head, because I'm an oik.

regards
Ewan

True. But don't forget this is a shamrock ramble. I don't think we're looking at a Dylan parody/tribute here. Of course I could be wrong (it happens). And even rambles can be improved.

Love it.

Done and done with it; head wrecked. Thanks for help folks ;)

'No need to screw yourself' sounds a lot better I think. Great poem. x

Thanks Miss D. Don't really care how it sounds now; browned off with the bloody thing ;) XXX

Thanks SC. Just noticed that my reply to your comment did not come up...I hate my PC and this bloody broadband. Sorry about that and thanks for taking the time ;)XX

As i READ this,i can fit each verse to describe a past friend, which is real sad. Great creative peace Chris, no cherry?, what's happening to the world.

Hey Pin, long time no see! Don't worry about cherries, I have been awarded them for work, where I genuinely thought they were not deserved; swings and roundabouts lol.
Where have you been, missed you for a while there; in the studio?
Anyway, good to see you back, how is life with you?

Lol I might visit you, I'm in England at the moment. Meeting artists and in general working on my new album- Garden Of love (I've put 2 songs up today from the album). It's something different, no rap, no r&b, just love and dreams. Met some artists e.g. dizzie rascal, leona lewis and gone to meet some radio stations e.g. galaxy and heart fm. I'm working here to see if street listeners like my music, hopefully going to other places in 2010 like Germany, Africa, all financed by my record label. Anyway that's why I haven't been on, good speaking to you. How've you been, family & children good?

What a lot of comments, young Shamrock.

I like this, there's loads of good lines in here like:

"I did not fall, he shouts to all,
I feel that I was tripped!"

And especially:

"But his pockets are full of empty"

which I love.

Occasionally the rhyming is too excessive maybe, for example here:

"I did not fall, he shouts to all"

And:

"I don’t steal, he does reveal"

it seems affected, rhyming for rhyming's sake, unlike the majority of the poem which works well.

Also not sure the prostitute's sentiment is in fitting with the rest of the poem, the others seem more sympathetic. Very often prostitutes have need for money more than passion, no?

I'm no expert in poetry but there's my two cents. It is a great piece, full of character and style and with work could be even better.

Hi Chelsey, thanks for the comment. As to the rhyming thing; it started life as a kind of Dylan style peom/song and that might explain some of the structure.
I tried to get the message across (obviously not very well) that the only passion in it for the prostitute was the money. This piece - more than any other - wrecked my head. I may come back to it some time but it will be a while.
As you can see from the comments, there was a lot of conflicting ideas with regard to what was right and wrong with this and I think that I need to leave it alone for a while - or I might just shoot it LOL.
Thanks for checking it out; much appreciated ;)xx

Don't worry about it, it's all a matter of subjective opinion. I have some outrageous clunkers on here, that people have said they liked, and many things of which I'm quite proud, that they haven't.

Equally, I don't believe that you should worry that you have to work at it, and neither did Alexander Pope:

"True ease in writing comes from art, not chance, as those move easiest who have learned to dance."

Keep going
Ewan

That's better. I did not mind the weak rhyme of 'socks', but you 've made it work for me, and kept that telling phrase 'pockets full of empty', which I liked first off !. You can relax now !!!.

Gosh, I've really been missing quite a party, haven't I? Sorry I'm so late Chris! But this is wonderful, love the structure and its tub-thumping rhythm. Well done!

Magic xxx

Chris you have done wonders. You've obviously worked hard on it, but with an end result such as this, it has been well worth it;-)

Tina xx

And there's a well deserved cherry - I was off at the weekend celebrating our wedding anniversary - hence the delay in fruit!

A well deserved cherry indeed, I really like this one. Nice work Chris.

Well done.

I Love It. Just the way it is. Don't change a thing.

I hear Bob, yes I do.

jeanne

Thanks Ewan, I'll keep going ;) Alexander Pope; I remember him well. For my final exams in English we were advised to study 'Rape of the Lock'...I never really forgave him after that...but I do know;

Whoever thinks a faultless piece to see, Thinks what ne'er was, nor is, nor e'er shall be.

He could be SO right ;)

Thanks Hilary ...deep relaxation kicking in lol XX

Welcome to the party Magic (did you bring a bottle?) Thanks for the kind words; that champers is still on ice ;) XXXX

Thanks Tina, you remain my inspiration XXX

Thanks Tony and happy aniversary; had our 21st not to long ago, she has stuck with me; only she and God know why ;) Thanks for the cherry, you have no idea how much I appreciate seeing it perched in the top right hand corner of this one ;)

Thanks Chelsey, appreciate it. XX

Thanks Miss D. Jeez, all the comments; I've had less people at parties lol XXX

Thanks Jeanne, I'm glad somebody does LOLOL. And I wouldn't change it again, for a share in the Lottery ;) XXX

Well done on the cherry Chris! *Produces bottle* Here it is :P

Magic xxx

Glug-glug-glug...oh, sorry did you want glasses; I'm still in my Long-neck phase ;) XXX

Are you sure about that lottery deal, Chris? After all, didn't I read you have seven children? Not to mention, those other mouths to feed. Wouldn't you consider like one word for a share? Just kidding. I really enjoy your talent as do others I'm guessing. They wouldn't be reading it if they didn't know you were so capable a poet.

hugs,
jeanne

...

Congratulations on the cherry!
Personally, my favourites with original points of view which are fresh and well-expressed are verses one, two and five - the others seem a little forced.
I don't feel the title does your strong poem justice either. (Only my humble opinion, of course :o))
By the way, in 2002/3 I attended the inspiring weekly MLC writing workshops in Cork for over a year... wonderful days in a wonderful part of the world.

Thanks Jeanne ;) Of course I'm joking (just in case someone wins and feels they have too much lol) XXX

Thanks Frances. I often find it very hard to actually 'name' pieces - any suggestions?

Cork is a beautiful part of the world but try the northwest of the country; even wilder and more unspoiled - if you can imaging that. How are things in Australia, now that's a place that I would really love to go. ;) XXX

My title suggestion; 'Sixty degree slouch'

I'm pretty lucky to live on the Sunset Coast of Western Australia... but we're having lousy weather right now - it has rained for 26 our of 29 days in September - HIGHLY unusual. And I'm over it already! Usually it's possible to film 356 days of the year on the West Coast because of our sunshine.

:o)