Cindy

Mr. Paddy Murphy
Hospital Wing
Her Majesties Prison
Isle of White

Ref: 'That Fucking Doll what you sold me'

Dear Mr. Murphy,

In reply to your letter of January 5th 2009, wherein you outlined your dissatisfaction with a product, purchased from this store on December 23rd 2008, please note the following points:

(1) The product: one ‘Smiling/ Talking Cindy Doll’, ‘self lubricating deluxe model; with fly away hair’, has instructions enclosed, which quite clearly state that smoking, before, during or after intimate sessions, in close proximity to ‘Cindy’ is dangerous and ill advised.

Your claim that, ‘Cindy’ made the specific request: “I’d love a good fag?” is unacceptable. It has been noticed that some words can appear slurred or mispronounced if ‘Cindy’ is not fully or properly inflated.

We are sorry to hear of your unfortunate accident with the supplied lubricant: While substitutes may be used, it really was unfortunate that the only product that you could procure was ‘Swarfega’; mechanics’ cleansing gel.’ This product is known to have sand particles included, which might explain your claim to having; …’a dick that feels like it has been sand-blasted, cheese grated and finished off with a fucking blowtorch.’

(2) It is also advised that either a mechanical (foot) or electrical pump be used to inflate Cindy to her optimum performance level. Failing the availability of one or other of these devices, then a slower option of inflation by mouth may be carried out. Connecting ‘Cindy’ to the gas mains was never a good idea; albeit faster. We fully understand your claim that: “…I didn’t buy the fucking doll to give HER a blow job, rather the other way around.”

We do of course intend carrying out our own quality check, as soon as the police allow us to obtain, what is left of Cindy. The fact that ‘Cindy’ is spread over half of Lewisham High Street, makes the task a little tricky, to say the least.

Be assured, Mr. Murphy, that we will keep in touch.

May I take this opportunity to wish you good health and sincere hopes that you will re-grow at least some, of your body hair. We fully take on board your argument that: …”it was the fucking doll that was supposed to have the fly away hair!”
When (if) you are released from prison, we hope we can look forward to continue doing business with one of our most regular and respected customers.

Yours sincerely

Dick Pleasure: Manager