She was sitting in front of the Tele
With a face like an old melted Wellie
And as I walked in through the door
Her foot started tapping the floor
Her suspenders looked quite out of place
They were white; the same shade as her face.
I said ‘Hello darling, it’s me!
Is there anything nice cooked for tea?’
She stood, her French knickers askew,
It was then I copped on and I knew;
There was something, that wasn’t quite right
And I was in, what is known as ‘Deep Shite!’
I started to sober up quickly
I smiled but it felt a bit sickly
She said, ‘You’re a bollocks, you are!’
As I stared at her peek-a-boo bra
‘You’ve forgotten what day it is now!’
I said, ‘It’s Friday, you daft cow.’
With a suspender strap gripped in her fist
She said, ‘You’re not only stupid, you’re pissed!’
‘It’s just twenty years now, to the day
that my proud father gave me away.’
‘You never told me that, I said
and it doesn’t sound one bit like Ted!’
‘It’s the day we were married you prick;
Fuck me; you’re as thick as a brick!’
That’s when I deemed, ‘I am so done;
let me blow my brains out with a gun!’
And so, stood, with my nuts in a knot,
just wishing that I could be shot;
I asked, ‘What about a Chinese?’
in a desperate attempt to appease.
She just kind of snarled through her teeth
I watched as her chest heaved beneath
‘Just you, get the fuck out of my sight
or I swear I will kill you tonight!’
‘How can you be so hurtful to me,
and on the night of our anniversary?’
but when she let a guttural roar
I made at top speed for the door.
The motel room is large and it’s clean
And the T.V. has got a big screen
I’m wondering; would it be astute,
to ring up and ask for a clean suit?
Comments
MistakenMagic | September 30, 2009 - 19:09
What trouble us women seem to be giving you Chris ;) Is this autobiographical? I never know with you hehe
Magic xxx
threeleafshamrock | September 30, 2009 - 19:19
Lol, no Magic, I am very good with dates; it's names that I have a problem with. Weird, I never forget a face or a number but I cannot retain a name atal.
Chris ;)XXX
littlebit59 | September 30, 2009 - 20:07
ABCtales
http://i723.photobucket.com/albums/ww231/littlebit58/Humpday.jpg
littlebit59 | September 30, 2009 - 20:18
I bet you never forget my name, Chris...lol I think I heard you calling for me across the deep blue sea! It must be our anni-vers-ary?
Loved this poem, too. A clean shirt? It's just like a man to expect too much!
Miss_D_Meaner | September 30, 2009 - 20:53
Funny!! lol
Nathan Bednarek | September 30, 2009 - 20:59
'And so, stood, with my nuts in a knot,
just wishing that I could be shot;'
This really made me laugh and the whole poem reads a bit like an episode from a sitcom ;-p
Dark humour is both funny and thought-provoking and your poem does that very effectively. Well done.
Nathan.
threeleafshamrock | October 1, 2009 - 07:33
Thanks Miss D. ;) XX
threeleafshamrock | October 1, 2009 - 07:34
Cheers Nathan; Dark humour is the best kind ;) Thanks for reading.
Silver Spun Sand | October 1, 2009 - 11:34
Really enjoyed this, Chris and it reminded me of the time, way back in the seventies when my other half forgot my birthday. It was the day after we moved house, so it wasn't surprising really. Mind you, in the end it turned out to be a very expensive birthday for him. If I remember rightly he gave me a whole ten pound note to go out and 'buy myself something nice'...which was quite a princely sum in days of yore.
Nice one, Chris. Keep 'em coming;-)
Tina xx
threeleafshamrock | October 1, 2009 - 11:44
Thanks Tina. I know what you mean about the seventies; my first wage back then was £12 and that was considered high. I gave my 13year old 15 last week to go to a teen disco; enough to get in (10) and two cokes. When I tell my kids these stories, they split themselves laughing - the same way I did when my dad used to tell me LOL. That's life!
Glad you enjoyed ;) XXX
sarah wilson | October 1, 2009 - 14:21
LSHICUMT (Laughed so hard i coughed up my tonsils) xx
threeleafshamrock | October 1, 2009 - 15:37
Glad you translated that Sarah...I thought you were collecting for the Sally Army or something lol,
Glad you got a laugh out of it ;) XXX