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If I knew then what I know now; I.P.

Posted by threeleafshamrock on March 9, 2009 - 23:43
from the ABC set Humorous Ramblings

Would I have had that Vindaloo
On the first date that I had with you
That nearly tore my arse in two
And stuck to the toilet bowl, like glue
Would I?

Would I have got you slightly pissed
Then gone to see ‘The Exorcist’
And had nose broke by giants fist
When you spewed like the diabolist?
Would I?

Would I have jumped out to surprise
With nothing on but garter ties?
My ‘hard on’ suffering quick demise
As did the smile in your mum’s eyes
Would I?

Would I have bought that bloody car
The green Cortina that looked a star
That I had planned to bring us far
But blew black smoke as thick as tar?
Would I?

Would I have dived off Margate’s pier
If I had seen them fishing near
To have my wedding tackle speared
The fish hooks buried in my gear
Would I?

Would I have hung that mistletoe
If I knew that you’d invited Jo
Who has huge tits, she loves to show
And chose to ‘Flash’ poor Father Rowe
Would I?

Would I have come home parched one night
And spied the drink in dusky light
Then gulped full glass of the fizzy shite
That cleans your fathers’ dentures white
Would I?

Would I have tried to mow the grass
If I had seen the broken glass
That shredded your next door neighbors arse
And neutered her dog as he did pass?
Would I?

No!!! I fucking well wouldn’t!

Discuss this piece in the abctales forum


Comments

Dynamaso | March 9, 2009 - 23:57

:LOL: Love this one, mate. Very funny indeed. Oh, if I start doing the same, I think I'd have enough to make a novel.

threeleafshamrock | March 9, 2009 - 23:59

LOL, thanks D. There's only so much serious stuff I can write in a row, ;)

Ewan | March 10, 2009 - 08:46

Thanks for giving me a belly laugh!

jennifer | March 10, 2009 - 10:09

Haha, did all these really happen?

J x

threeleafshamrock | March 10, 2009 - 12:42

Thanks Ewan & Jen. Some of it did happen Jen but I am keeping that very tightly to my chest (unlike my wife's mate Jo.) LOL. Is that a little hint? ;) ;) he-he!

jennifer | March 10, 2009 - 19:21

Haha! Go Jo! Bet Father Rowe loved it!

xxx

Nathan Bednarek | March 11, 2009 - 17:40

'Would I have jumped out to surprise
With nothing on but garter ties?
My ‘hard on’ suffering quick demise
As did the smile in your mum’s eyes
Would I?'

You damn sure wouldn't!

This poem really cheered me up on a rather boring day. Cheers mate!

Nathan.

threeleafshamrock | March 11, 2009 - 19:13

Think he left the priesthood Jen, LOL

threeleafshamrock | March 11, 2009 - 19:14

Thanks Nathan ;)

MistakenMagic | March 14, 2009 - 18:55

'Would I have jumped out to surprise
With nothing on but garter ties?
My ‘hard on’ suffering quick demise
As did the smile in your mum’s eyes
Would I?'

Hilarious Chris!!! Now did this actually happen? :p I'd have loved to see the look on both your faces if it did! Superb write :)

Magic xxx

threeleafshamrock | March 19, 2009 - 11:33

Thanks Magic! To embarrassed to pick out the real bits from the fiction; ambiguity, my saving grace, LOL.

Amna | June 8, 2009 - 00:34

"Would I have got you slightly pissed
Then gone to see ‘The Exorcist’
And had nose broke by giants fist
When you spewed like the diabolist?
Would I?"

I just went through some of your work, this is one of my favourites, :D
Great craftsmanship and wit.

Also thank you ever so much for your generous comments on my pieces Chris, it's really encouraging :)

threeleafshamrock | June 8, 2009 - 07:59

Thanks Amna, as for the generous comments; I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. Check out 'The Driving Lesson Part 1' for a laugh ;)

Chris X