Was it you?

Was it you who nailed my best shoes
to the floor of the garden shed
and giggled outside the window
when I fell and split my head?

Was it you that filled my tea with salt
and heaped sugar in my soup
or trapped granny Reilly in her chair
with that blasted Hula Hoop?

Was it you that put the sticker
on the front of the Vicar’s gate
that said, ‘Please Support Gay Week’
and caused such wild debate?

Was it you that tore the page three
Girl out of the ‘Daily Star’
And with the aid of your computer
Morphed on the head of spinster Carr?

Was it you, put the whoopee
on Auntie Edna’s red settee
and caused her to burn her 'fanny'
when she dropped her boiling tea?

Was it you, took granddad’s dentures
and stuck them with super glue
and wrote, ‘I eat shit!’ across them
then stuck them too the loo?

Was it you, shaved half the tash
from Colonel Smyther’s upper lip
and replaced his favourite peanuts
with a bowl of cherry pips?

If all of this was down to you,
I have to tell you son;
I wish you were my playmate
when I was very young!