I nail down the night to cover the day
Take a hammer and nail the night down
Cover the day with a stretch of black leather
Nail the night down to cover the day
Take a claw hammer and nail the night
Hammer the night to cover the day
I stud the sky with nails of silver
Silver the night with studs of steel
Hammer the studs to spark them silver
Studs of steel to sole the night
A sole of black leather to tread the sky
Trample the night with studded black leather
I march the night on a road of cinders
Spark the cinders with studs on flint
Strike the flint with studs of silver
Crush the cinders with soles of black leather
March the road across flint sparking sky
A road of cinders from burnt out nights
I blacken the sky with burnt out cinders
Burn new tinder to end the night
Summon the dawn with glowing tinder
Strike a flint to burn the sky
Take a hammer to smash the night open
Prise open the day with a hammer's claw
Comments
tcook | October 25, 2007 - 16:43
This works really well until the last two lines of the penultimate stanza and the last one when the rhythm goes. Try reading it out loud!
WilkyBarKid | October 26, 2007 - 12:28
Oh, I agree. '... flint sparking sky' should be the last line of the third stanza, according to the rhythm. But I can't quite get the phrasing right.
I tend to post early drafts of my work here to see what sort of response it gets before embarking on a re-write. So thanks for the feedback.