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Thirty Days Of Julia: Day Six

Posted by WilkyBarKid on July 15, 2011 - 23:15

She drove an ancient van, still with turquoise
Co-op livery from where she batted
her eyelashes at the machine shop guys
and got it re-conditioned for twenty
quid, no questions asked. Its MOT was
a document that showed greater fictive
imagination than my modernist
slabs of New Wave Sci-Fi polemic shite.
I thought I was clever. She said I was
a genius, but... Of course, I never
heard the qualification. As enfant
terrible of the Havering Writers
Circle, I was a suburban post-punk
jerk. Man at C&A sans irony.

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Comments

maisie | July 16, 2011 - 20:50

niggles :

line 1 suggest try remove *with*

line 2 ditto.. try changing *where* to *whence*
hope it helps

WilkyBarKid | July 17, 2011 - 10:32

I agree that opening line is a bit clunky. It's the 'still' that bothers me. A stronger word is needed.

With respect, the archaic 'whence' is never a good idea.

At the moment, I'm too fixed on the next Day to go back and edit, but I will bear all suggestions in mind. I'm not too precious to accept criticism.

fatboy74 | July 17, 2011 - 20:33

I've found six and I like it a lot - not sure what you could replace still with or if it needs it 'branded'? I dunno. :-)