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Through A Telescope, Darkly

Posted by WilkyBarKid on October 27, 2011 - 10:37

I see her through the wrong end of a telescope:
young woman whose youth is wasted, for she does not
frig her days away as fruitlessly as I did.
I grind the lens myself, from a supermarket
branded bottle of Bacardi. (I get the taste
over egg’n’chips in English themed pub-discos
in Lloret de Mar.) Instead of a straw donkey
or sombrero, I return with a clinking bag
of duty-free and a willingness to guzzle
Ambre Solaire; tan my tongue orange in pursuit
of alcohol. When she looks back, she sees open
pores: not a cratered moon, but bottomless black holes
I cannot fill. An event horizon, over
which time and light spill: a dark glass neither half-full
nor half-empty, forever slipping from my hand.

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Comments

h jenkins | October 27, 2011 - 10:59

I love this. I think it's brilliant.

You evoke a feeling of envious sadness, expressed in experiences instantly recognisable. That's a rare talent I think.

There's no repeated metre as such though the natural rhythm of the chosen words almost makes it feel like there is. Also, the care you've taken over the twelve-syllabled lines gives a 'finish' to the piece that I found really satisfying.

I do have one thought however that I hope you don't mind my mentioning.
For me, using 'but' or 'though' rather than 'for' would work better at the end of the second line.

In any event, it's a really wonderful piece.

Helvigo Jenkins

WilkyBarKid | October 27, 2011 - 15:12

Thanks very much for the appreciation and understanding.

The reason for the 'for' is that I am making the convoluted assertion that she has wasted her youth by not wasting it when she had the chance, if you see what I mean.

It also creates the aliterative series 'for', 'frig', 'fruitlessly', to which I return at the end of the poem: 'full', 'forever', 'from'.

I'm particularly glad that you find the syllabic verse form satisfying. I've endured a lot of flack from other poets for not using accented verse - and my body of work over the past few years has been a long attempt to get it to work.

Silver Spun Sand | October 27, 2011 - 17:54

Liked this, a lot;-)

Tina

Cavalcaderl | October 28, 2011 - 08:17

new WilkyBarKid
So compact say's so
much in few lines. I enjoyed.
Thanks.
julie