Granny Fiddler

GRANNY FIDDLER
Vera was bustling when the day nurse - Marie - popped her head around the door
"Vera, you've got a visitor - 0. K. ?".
This was said with a peculiar patronising tone that some nurses use when they have nothing but contempt for their charges. Vera peered at her over her specs from her chair in the wardrobe her head shaking slightly, "Who is it she said.
"It's your nephew, says he' s come to take you out for a spin -what are you doing in there?.
"I live here! said Vera somewhat taken aback at the nurse's impudence.
"Oh what are we going to do with you? said Marie as if she were talking to a child.
"Get me ready to go out I 'ope, that's what your paid for, which nephew is it?, I've got five.
"He didn't say, how am I supposed to know? he just said he was your nephew. And anyway I thought you said you had no family!.
Marie was starting to get a little short tempered. It came easy to her. She wasn't happy.
"Don't take that tone with me young lady said Vera "where's ' e taking me?.
"How should I know?.
Marie was quickly losing her patience. she grabbed Vera tightly by the wrist hauling her out of the wardrobe.
"Ow! you little madam, you missed your calling, you'd 'ave done well in the Gestapo yelped Vera.
Marie knew not to get her too worked up or she'd play up and ruin her afternoon.
"You'd better put your teeth in- where are they?
"Don't know, Vera was now sulking. Marie spotted them in the Goldfish bowl.
"Whatever in Gods' name are they doing in there?
"I dunno -'e must a got 'em.
"Don' t be daft Vera, Goldfish never leave their bowls and what would he be wanting with your teeth?
"Bite you I 'spect muttered Vera under her breath. Marie began fishing for the teeth in the Goldfish bowl and handed them to Vera, "Here, if you behave yourself he'll probably take you out for a meal.
Vera looked quizzically at Marie "What, the Goldfish?,
Marie put her hands on her hips in an exasperated fashion, "No- Gary of course
" Who's Gary?
"Your flippin' nephew! shouted Marie.
"I 'aven't got a flippin' nephew! Vera shouted back.
"Yes you have you've got flippin' five or that's what you said a few moments ago. shouted Marie getting much more shrill." Have you got a nephew, a single sodding nephew let alone five 'cos if you haven't I want to know who that is that's standing out there waiting to take you out!!!!.
"You said it was Gary said Vera very quietly.
Marie took a long deep breath closed her eyes and felt the very will to live leave her body. Vera just looked at her in quiet triumph.
Marie was thinking that yes she should have stayed on at school and maybe gone on to the local Poly. I could have been something by now. I could have been a hairdresser or a beautician, but not this, not this crap. She wished she'd never met Kevin the great love of her life, he'd promised her everything and gave her something. He'd given her hope. The dream of a little cottage with roses around the doorway, a couple of kids maybe a dog and a cat or a macaw. But Kevin had to go to sea to make his fortune and he did. Go to sea. But he didn't make a fortune. He got very drunk one night on the ferry that he was working on and fell overboard. He fetched up in Dieppe two days later, very drowned.
And now this.
"Are you going out with that young man out there? she said quite firmly to Vera
"What Gary me nephew?.
"Oh you are a scamp Vera, winding me up like that she said tweeking Vera's cheek a little harder than was necessary "And there's me the mug for falling for it. You'll enjoy being taken out for a meal by a handsome young man.
"Not 'ungry scowled Vera picking at a scab.
"Don' t do that you'll make it much worse said Marie smacking her on the hand lightly "and you'll love being taken out f or a meal.
Vera sighed, she knew it was no good arguing with someone like Marie. They permeate your life these people - like a nagging fester. Marie unplugged Vera's colostomy bag and took it out to empty it in the passage toilet. She returned a few moments later with the empty bag and a look of contempt which was hard to sustain as she was trying hard not to vomit. Marie did not like this side of nursing.
Somebody had lied.
As she was about to plug the bag back in there was a sudden whoosh of liquified excrement from Vera which sprayed over Marie's hands and splashed her face and uniform.
"You dirty old cow-you did that on purpose Marie screamed. "No I didn't I can't control meself that's why I've got one of them fings, with that Vera burst noisily into tears. The Matron came into the room to see what the commotion was all about, Marie explained her side of the story but was told in no uncertain terms to get on with the job and not to make such a fuss. Vera allowed herself a little smile, 'that'll teach her' she thought. When Vera was finally ready she tottered out with Marie to the waiting room where she was introduced to a young man she in no way recognised. "Which one are you? she enquired, "I'm Gary, I was here a couple of weeks ago. He raised his eyes at Marie in amused long sufferance, "God your memory's getting much worse Gran.
"I thought you said you were her nephew Marie cut in.
He looked startled for a second but regained his composure, "ah I see the confusion, I was here a couple of weeks ago with her nephew my cousin, Phil, we've obviously been mixed up-and not just in Grans' mind.
He laughed slightly.
Vera said "I don't care 'oo 'e is I want to get out of 'ere!.
And with that started teetering toward the door. Gary caught her up and gently ushered her through, he looked back over his shoulder at Marie and winked saying that they'd be back before nightfall unless Vera wanted to go dancing; he carried on walking looking back and laughing. Marie thought it was wonderful to be cared for like that, so few families care for their old. It's nice to see a Grandson taking care of his Gran, he really was a handsome young man. She wondered if he might take her out for a meal some time, I'll have to be especially nice to Vera from now on she thought.
Vera took one look at Gary's car which was a rather rusting battered old Ford, "you want me to get into that? - that's older than me that is!.
Gary laughed and told her that there was no problem with the car and in actual fact he was hoping to buy a new car that very afternoon. Vera placated, condescended to get in, and once firmly strapped in was secretly thrilled at being taken out for a meal by a grandson she'd never met before.
Vera began humming quietly to herself as Gary threaded his way through the traffic.
"Which one do you belong to? enquired Vera, "Oh Gran, I'm Eileen's son, your memory has got bad, mind you I have been working abroad for a long time. Do you even know who Eileen is?.
"No can't say as I do said Vera. She continued humming.
As they drove along Gary said something about having to look at the new car before they went to eat - it shouldn't take too long. Vera said that that was no problem and not to worry about her "It's just nice to see the world again.
She thought about hamburger and chips - something she wasn't allowed in the home - oh yes and a strawberry milk shake, bugger the special diet, they're just skinflints that's all they are, she thought. I'll tell Marie, she'll be so cross, I wonder why she's so angry with me all the time - I saw the way she looked at Gary - maybe I can extract a few concessions from her if I tell her that Gary was asking about her.
They pulled up in a street pockmarked with children playing on the pavements, and where net curtains twitched whenever something or someone strange happened.
Working class genteel.
Gary got out and told her that he wouldn't be long, she did wonder how he was going to get two cars home though. She watched him knock at a door with bottle glass in the frame and carriage lamps on the wall outside, the window frames were plastic with mock Georgian leaded light windows. That's nice thought Vera. A youngish man answered the door, about thirty, blond and muscular with white tee shirt and jeans. They exchanged a few words then walked to a silver grey car which Vera had no idea was a Ford Sierra Cosworth. The acceleration on this car caused teeth fillings to melt. Vera watched the two men striking their deal, looking under the bonnet, rubbing an appreciative hand along the sleek curves of this defier of logic and gravity. Vera was almost hugging herself, what will they think of me at the home when they see me come back in that. There seemed a problem however when the young muscular man began shaking his head, but Gary indicated toward Vera and they both walked to where she was sitting. Gary stuck his head inside the open window and said "Gran, if this gentleman waits with you do you mind if I go for a quick spin around the block while you wait here, just to see if every thing's o.k. on the car?
"No that's fine love - just be careful!.
With that the young man plopped the keys into Gary's hand and muttered "just take it easy.
They watched him pull slowly away, the young man with muscles began to pace nervously up and down biting his nails as his pride and joy disappeared around the corner. I bet 'is mum gives 'im 'ell over bitin' 'is nails' thought Vera. The young man seemed to understand what she was thinking and pulled his hands from his mouth and grinned at her sheepishly. She grinned back.
A few girls were playing hopscotch on the pavement, a couple of boys pretended to be 'Power Rangers' using sticks as ray guns. 'it's nice to think they still play the old games' thought Vera. She began humming 'White Cliffs of Dover', the blond man carried on pacing.
'They just can't sit still these young people, Vera mused, always rushin' somewhere, just look at these gadgets on this car, The cassette player confused her. Maybe it's for toasting sandwiches she thought, when you're on a picnic, cor, tha's 'andy. She'd driven during the war, no gadgets in them days, if you wanted toasted sandwiches you 'ad to light a fire y'self, there wuz plenty 'o' them too 'an you 'ad to drive in the dark,'
The blond man absent mindedly began biting his nails again; he'd not stopped pacing. He looked at her and raised his eyebrows in that facial expression which means everything and nothing.
"He won't be too long will he? he asked. "No, don't know - I'm eighty
five. The reply confused him as much as it did Vera. 'I don't know why I say them fings she thought, I do forget fings I know but I can't seem to stop meself from saying daft fings.
"Is it your birthday today? he asked, "no; don't fink so anyhow.
"I just thought that your Grandson was taking you out for a special treat he said,
"Ooh no, 'e ain't me Grandson, I ain't never seen 'im before; don't know 'oo 'e 'is.
The young man looked slightly alarmed at this, "but he said he was your Grandson and that I was to wait with you because you'd be nervous sitting on your own.
"What me? - nervous? - nah I drove in the war in the dark, but I do get a bit forgetful, but 'e ain't me Grandson I knows that, "Now what's going on, is this some kind of leg-pull by one of my mates? 'cos if it is I don't think it's very funny.
"I don't know what your goin' on abaht dear I've just come up 'ere for a meal wiv me Grandson, s'no good 'avin' a go at me!. "But you said he wasn't your grandson.
"Well 'e said 'e was an' that's good enough for me. "Is he your grandson or not?, 'Ow should I know I ain't never seen 'im before.
The young man wanted to strangle Vera, he was totally dumbfounded, it must be some kind of a joke, I'm being stupid he thought she's just dotty, he'll be back any minute, "Is he a good driver your grandson?. "Oh yeh, we didn't 'it nuffink comin' up 'ere - I'm eighty five dear!. The young man put his head in his hands.
A door opened and a young woman in jeans and a T-shirt, sporting large brass earrings and chewing gum as if she had a live 'jumping jack' in her mouth, asked if everything was alright. The young man walked up to the door and an animated discussion began to take place. A small red haired freckle faced girl, sensing drama, came up to the car window and stared at Vera. Vera depressed the cigarette lighter hoping for some music. Brass earrings and Blondman were discussing what to do, the woman's mouth threatening to explode as the velocity of the chewing increased, the young man accompanied her, chewing his nails down to the knuckle. A small brown and white fluffy ball came bouncing out of the house 'yipping' constantly, It was a long haired spaniel pup. The woman bent down and picked it up saying "Oh fwuffy you can't go out there without your lead.
She constantly licked the dogs' tongue as it animatedly licked hers. The young man raised his eyebrows in long suffering exasperation. Suddenly there was a scream from the car which made Brass Earrings jump - which made 'Fwuffy' jump - right out of her hands, Brass Earrings screamed at the top of her voice which served to only panic the dog even more, it tore off like it had a lit match up its arse. At that moment there was a screech from the car, the blond man turned around to see smoke billowing from the old Ford, he immediately dashed over and wrenched the door open to see the old lady covered in smoke and yelling that the radio had caught fire. He began to drag her free but she was caught by the safety belt, he leant over and released the catch and dragged her bodily out.
His wife screamed in the distance "What abaht the fuckin' dog!.
He beat out the smouldering dress with his hands then raced inside the house. He returned brandishing a large fire extinguisher and flipped the catch and sprayed the inside of the smoke filled car, covering the dashboard with white foam. His wife was hopping up and down like a dervish with it's tail up.
"Jimmy! the dog the dog! leave 'er she's alright! By this time she was screaming into his face.
"The dog's run off, why don't you do somefing instead of just standin' there! ".
"Do something? I'll bloody do something alright!.
And with that he flipped the catch on the fire extinguisher and began to cover his wife from head to toe with white foam.
"That bloody dog has been nothing but trouble since you got it, yapping all bloody day and night She tried to ward off the foam with her hands, her face an ugly white mask, "and if that bloody animal so much as makes another noise I shall ram this up it's arse to give it something to yap about ” NOW SHUT UP!. She was now on her knees in an act of grotesque penitence, her arms held out before her in a still vain attempt at warding off the jet of foam. She was blubbing through the white mass causing bubbles to form around her mouth
"Get the dog, get Fluffy - please!.
He switched off the extinguisher and put it down by the car. He turned to Vera, she held up the cigarette lighter and said "You see - the knob fell off.
Jimmy put his head in his hands and wept silently.
The little red headed girl now satisfied, peered in through the window at the spumy interior of the Ford. All of the kids and most of the neighbours by this time had come out to watch this tiny snatch of working class life, a neighbour came out and said "Jim, that was a bit 'over the top' and was told in no uncertain terms where he could stick his comments. Jim picked up his wife who was still literally blubbing, someone brought her a towel in a vain attempt at drying her off, but served more to cover her shame at being so exotically humiliated in such a public manner. Vera tottered into the open house leaving them to there reconciliation and slammed the door. Jimmy's life was seemingly falling apart at a speed greater than that of any high performance car.
"Oh no, where's she gone?.
This was a redundant question. Vera was inside looking around, marvelling at modern architecture. Black wood effect book cases with matching stereo system, white leather look furniture with matching shag pile carpet, porcelain figurines of dogs scattered on the many shelves that adorned the Mahogany look kitchen, and the flowers; she hadn't seen flowers like these since she were a child. She touched one, it was paper. 'Oo, that's good' she thought, 'much less trouble'.
There was a loud banging on the front door, she wondered who it could be, she hadn't been expecting anybody. She could see someone through the glass, "oo is it?.
"It's me said Jim "c'mon open up. "Oo's Jim, I don't know any Jim, what have you come for?. "I haven't come for anything I live here, now open up the door there's a dear.
"I've lived here for nigh on fifty years and the only Jim I knows was a right scally, so you can bugger off replied Vera.
There was a huge kick at the door.
"No you don't!, I live here with me and me wife and a bleedin' dog called Fluffy, he was now kneeling down shouting through the letterbox, "you're just confused, now where have you come from? was that your grandson? and where did he pick you up from? and where's he gone with my bleedin' car?, "Oh I don't know said Vera "so many questions, I gets confused I'm gonna make a cuppa tea. With that she shuffled off to the kitchen in search of a kettle. She was beaming all over her face. Outside the confusion remained with Jim's wife Betty, still blubbing about 'Fwuffy' someone suggested calling the police which seemed to unnerve Jim who'd rejoined the group. He wanted to kick the door in but everyone thought that that might be a bad idea. A man in an anorak thought he could fiddle the lock but he explained that his tools were at work and he couldn't get into the yard as it was all locked up for the weekend. He was thanked for his contribution by Jim in unnecessarily strong language, thought the group.
At that moment a patrol car came sidling up unnoticed. The group gave a collective start when the officer in his cap asked "what's the trouble?.His partner got out of the car and joined him.
"O.K. what seems to be the trouble here? the first officer said, "Oh I'm officer Blackheath and this officer Dibden Jim began to explain that there was no real trouble, he and his wife had just had a little domestic tiff and yes there was someone inside the house that shouldn't be there but he would be able to resolve the situation. "Oh yeh and someone's nicked me car The officer looked at Jim and then at his wife who looked as if she was melting and then at the foam filled Ford and said, "Hmm, I hope you never have any real problems, eh? And laughed at his own wry humour.
"O.K. start from the beginning officer Blackheath continued. After Jim gave him the minimum facts officer Blackheath asked his partner to radio for an ambulance. He went over and knocked at the front door. Vera shouted "oozat? "It's the police - open up!
"Wassamarrer? I ain't done nuffink, go away.
"No you don't understand, you've locked yourself into someone else's house, you're just confused, now please open up the door.
"No, I fink you're confused I've lived 'ere f or fifty years, I'm eighty-five you know. Vera sipped her tea contentedly. "Now come on dear, open up and save me a lot of trouble, I can always send to the station for a skeleton key. "Ooo skeletons!, no fanks, yer not comin' in 'ere wiv one 'o' them fings, they give me the creeps they do. "Now Vera, we're not coming in with skeletons or anything like that just open up the door to this mans property now there's a good girl.
Silence.
The sound of melting foam could be heard, an almost inaudible popping noise, like bubbles in a bubble bath. Officer Blackheath straightened up and walked back over to where Jim was standing and began to ask him if there were any windows open. The reply was that the house was fairly secure with security locks on all the windows and no, the back door was locked. "Well, we have to get in somehow, if it comes to it we'll have to make a forcible entry sir.
"Well you've got to do what you have to, but I'm sure that won't be necessary, I'll get her out.
"Now we don't want you frightening the old lady, sir, you should leave this to the professionals. "Um, you haven't had too much luck have you? said Jim rather hurtfully. "No sir I'm just reassessing the situation. Now we don't seem to be able to reason with her, we obviously can't threaten her because of her frailty and for that self same reason we can't starve her out because she might just snuff it on us sir and this wouldn't look too good in the public domain vis-a-vis the local media now would it - sir!. 'Ouch' thought Jim, he realised he was dealing with a superior intelligence. The officer was staring at him with a smug intensity. "O.k. said Jim knowing he was beaten "we'll do it your way
"Right said the officer warming to his task "what we have to do is build up a kind of rapport with her, get her to feel she's a friend and not an enemy. "Enemy!? what are you talking about she's not a bloody terrorist she's just an old lady who's a bit confused said Jim "are you going to employ a S.W.A.T. team or a hit squad to go in there guns blazing?, I think you've been watching too much telly mate. "I'm sorry you feel like that sir - but I thought you said we'd do it my way, I do have experience in these kind of hostage situations sir. "Hostages - hostages! there are no hostages in there and when did you gain experience in a hostage situation!?.
"Now calm down sir I was only speaking in the metaphorical, but she does have you as a bit of a hostage if you don't mind me saying so sir and I've talked many a cat out of a tree, I'm told it's me voice - very calming.
"Cats?! - well when you've got her out maybe you can find my flippin' dog. With that Jim turned and joined the crowd to watch. His wife had been mopped up by a neighbour and was drying off, she was on her third Thunderbird shandy and just beginning to feel the mildest sense that an injustice might have taken place. The mood amongst the remaining neighbours outside, suggested nothing if not complete normality.
"Vera cooed the officer "just come and talk to me now, there's a dear, "Where's a deer?, you bin drinkin'? I want Marie. Vera was getting a bit fed up.
"Who's Marie? asked the officer in tones that would have done credit to melting lard. "She looks after me what d'ya wanna know for?. Vera was looking around for her cupboard.
"Who looks after you? where does she look after you? where does she work?. "Oh so many flippin' questions, she'd sort you out.
"Who'd sort me out - Marie?, "Nah - Matron - she' d box yer ears. "What's her name, where does she work, which hospital? Officer Blackheath was beginning to babble, sensing he was close to a major victory. He could see the headlines already, maybe a national paper would pick up the story and what then?- television?. There was no sound save for that of a gentle snoring. "Oh Christ she's gone to sleep on me muttered Officer Blackheath. He began to knock feverishly on the door, she was not going to escape him now. "C'mon wake up - wake up Vera - you don't fool me I know you're in there, when's your dinner? you must be hungry.
He thought of himself at that moment, shouting through a letter box at a senile old lady and wondered where he'd gone wrong. I should have joined the army he thought, at least I could have shot people.
"Vera, please come out, the knees in my trousers will be wearing through now, we don't want that happening now do we?. There's a good girl you won't be in any trouble I promise.
Gentle snoring.
Officer Dibden ambled up to the supplicant and said he felt that music might be the answer.
"What would you suggest sneered the officer on his knees. "Beethoven's Fifth, the theme from Neighbours or some Jimi Hendrix? 'What I have to put up with thought Officer Blackheath, shaking his head in that way that people often do, when they want to jump off. "No officer Dibden, can you just go back to the car and keep an eye on it as instructed, we'll be lucky if there are any hubcaps left -and if the radio's still there find out if any old peoples homes are missing an old lady.
Officer Dibden did as he was told, not for him the role of the renegade cop. Officer Blackheath returned to the task in hand, Vera was sitting watching cartoons on the television with the sound down. She would occasionally let out a snore then giggle quietly to herself. She was beginning to feel a bit peckish, and wished the policeman would go and direct traffic so she could plunder the kitchen. Vera waited for the letterbox to close then darted to the kitchen hoping that he hadn't seen her shadow through the glass. She began opening :cupboards at random surprised at the complexity of foodstuffs. What in the world was cannelloni?, the picture on the package reminded her of dog mess and she'd rather set her heart on egg and beans.
She found some eggs in the f ridge and took down a tin of beans from a cupboard, the problem now was: how to open the tin of beans?, she'd seen a new fangled thing mounted on the wall and knew that that kind of operation was beyond her, she rummaged around until she eventually found an ordinary tin opener. This was to prove more than a little knotty as the tin opener had promised much but delivered little in the way of staying in place once attached to the top of the tin. But being resolute Vera persisted in getting the tin half open which served her purpose. She managed to negotiate the controls on the cooker and felt one of the rings begin to get warm, she found some oil and a frying pan for the eggs but could find nothing suitable for the beans.
She began eyeing the microwave and remembered the nurses heating things up in seconds. Being naturally nervous of modern inventions but at the same time intrigued and excited at being an outrider in the motorcade of technology, she decided it was worth the risk. She peered hard at the controls and realised that it was no harder than driving a car. She opened the door, put the tin inside, shut the door, set the timer and pressed the start button. The sparks and noise emitted from the microwave would have shamed any municipal firework display - Vera put her hands over her ears and screamed, smoke began to pour from the machine - Vera screamed louder.
At that point the front door came splintering off its hinges with two burly policemen falling over one another in an attempt to rescue her. Officer Dibden fell on top of officer Blackheath which removed the air from his lungs and the will to live in one moment. Officer Dibden leapt up and ran to the kitchen, switched off the smoking appliance, picked up the screaming Vera and carried her bodily to the waiting ambulance. He ran back inside and helped his colleague to his feet, who seemed slightly concussed so it was thought best that he should go to the hospital with Vera. They were whisked off to great cheers by the waiting crowd and a local T.V. crew who'd been alerted that there was a situation and arrived just in time to film the rescue.
Officer Dibden was interviewed at great length about the circumstances surrounding the case, but professed to being just an ordinary copper who was only doing his job. He was nonetheless promoted to Sergeant which made his mum very proud and on the back of this is at this moment considering a switch to C.I.D. Officer Blackheath could remember nothing of the days events having suffered a severe concussion. He became inward looking and disconsolate and was one day arrested after he was caught fondling statues in the park in a lewd manner.
He now sees quite a lot of a counsellor.
Jim and his wife divorced, he never got his car back.
Vera was returned to the home and became something of a celebrity; she milked it for all it was worth. Her understanding of the truth was somewhat recondite and her telling of the story to her fellow residents became ever more extreme. As she would have it, guns and an armoured personnel carrier were involved and she had to be whisked out by helicopter.
For Marie, her nurse, this was the last straw because of all the adulation that Vera received, and left the profession to train as a beautician.
Vera died a couple of years later peacefully in her sleep. She was just eighty five.