Huntly Hairst

Wasn’t intending to go to the Huntly Hairst (Harvest) this year, as it started to appear on the list of ‘things-I-can’t-be-arsed-with-anymore’.  The same stalls of oils, honeys, teas, soaps, terrible crafts by people who really should take up crosswords instead of spreading ugliness in the world, and home-made kombucha at a fiver a bottle, usually made by someone who looks like they haven’t washed.  Angry wasps, angrier pensioners, parking sagas, the fear-of-missing-out stressed crowds shouting and shoving, their children screaming because they don’t want to be there either.  Worst of all, the many attention-seeking dog-lovers causing trip hazards.

Like the game of ‘Quidditch’, the trick is stealth.  Keep your eyes peeled, get on your broom, get in and get out again before anyone gets so much as a whiff of a ‘quaffle’.  If the market opens at 9am, be parked by ten to.  Tune into your inner seeker, focus on the stall you seek, making a bee-line for it, prepared to chase, bludgeon and beat any other early birds to your place in the queue.  Have ready cash in small denominations, grasped as tightly as a ‘golden snitch’.  Make a mental list of the items you want, for instance, by having studied the list of baked goods planned to be available on the ‘The Culinary Kiwi Bird’ Facebook page.  To wit, a ‘Scottie Brot’, as bread is this week’s carb.  Still your beating heart at the sight of a maple-drizzled cheese and ham croissant, these are out of bounds and will result in deduction of 5 points off your health-span.  You don’t want to behave like a ‘Slytherin’ now, do you?  Be like Neville, and in the face of adversity, stick to ‘courage, nerve and chivalry’ – the bread, the wholemeal bread and nothing but the bread.  So help you God.

‘Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone’ Rowling, J.K. Bloomsbury 1997

https://theculinarykiwibird.co.uk/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neville_Longbottom