ART AND ENTERTAINMENT

The Arts

1984

In 1984 The world changed

A SCANDAL HAS BROKEN

A scandal has broken Of the very worst kind

AND THE BEST PICTURE IS

It’s that time of the year once more When the motion picture industry

ARE YOU WEARING A MAGICIAN’S HAT?

Are you wearing a magician’s hat?

ARE YOU WEARING AN ALICE BAND?

Are you wearing an Alice band?

ARE YOU WEARING NOVELTY GLASSES?

Are you wearing novelty glasses?

ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER SHOES?

Are you wearing patent leather shoes?

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE NEZ?

Are you wearing pince nez?

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?

Are you wearing pince-nez? Don’t they pinch a bit?

ARE YOU WEARING SHADES?

Are you wearing shades? Yes they do look cool

ART ABLAZE

When the blaze struck That warehouse in Leyton Works of Brit art were lost By Hirst and Emin

ART ABLAZE

When the blaze struck That warehouse in Leyton
Cherry

ARTISTIC PRACTICE

The potter breathing life Into cold dead clay

BACK TO BACK DVD’S

My wife and I really enjoy

BLEAK FORECAST

There was Snow in the forecast And the TV weather girl said

BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER

I went to the local video shop and said,

BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT

Britain’s got talent Of that there’s no doubt Britain’s got talent The secret is finally out Britain’s got talent In depth and variety Britain’s got talent For every one to see

CATWALK STRUT

She strutted down the catwalk In an outfit to make the critics talk

COMPELLING READING

I was reading this book today

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION

Crime Scene Investigation

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Many years ago in the days when the steak houses were only just appearing and there wasn't a fast
Cherry

DRAGONS PERFORM AEROBATICS

Dragons perform aerobatics In the azure sky
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EUROVISION

Every year we go through the same ritual where we the music loving British public have to select our contender for "the Eurovision song contest.

FILM CHOICE

How too choose, how to select A film to fill that two hour slot

GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING

With exquisite touch His brush added lustre

HELENA OF JOY

I have to say that Helena Bonham Carter has always rung my bell if you understand my meaning. I first saw the beautiful young woman with the large dark eyes in her early appearances in "A

HIGHLANDER

Great news of a new reality show that might even be worth watching. Highlander ' (There can be only one) All the competitors need to do is perfect a really dodgy accent, grow their hair long and dress flamboyantly.

HOMEOPATHIC HUMOUR

I told a joke about alternative medicine

I CAN’T WATCH CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

I can’t watch Christopher Eccleston

I CAN’T WATCH SYLVESTER STALLONE

I can’t watch Sylvester Stallone

I HOPE I'M A CELBRITY WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE

This Ant and Dec as far as I can tell Are on TV a lot and doing quite well

I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES

With reliable heroes And camp villains

I STRUGGLE WITH CERTAIN ACTORS

I struggle with certain actors

I WATCHED A RIVETING DOCUMENTARY

I watched a riveting documentary

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE + 1 CHANNELS

If you are going to have + 1 channels

IN GEORGE CLOONEY’S LATEST ROLE

In George Clooney’s latest role

IN THE WELL OF THOUGHTS

In the well of thoughts The wordsmith dips his cup

INVERSE

My poems have been called On a good day, ribald

IS IT ART?

Is this talent or just invention?

IS IT ART?

Is this talent or just invention? Is it genius or just pretension? "Half the air in a given space”

IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?

A new quiz show is coming very soon It will be a one off though to be fair

IS THIS ART?

Martin Creed or Damien Hirst Collins, Gormley which ones worst A pickled sheep in formaldehyde A light goes on and off inside The truth about salt and paper crumpled

IS THIS ART?

Martin Creed or Damien Hirst Collins, Gormley which ones worst

IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 1

I laugh in the face of quiz shows

IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 2

Keithy’s guessing game

I’D DO ANYTHING

“I’d do anything” how apt a title A motto for the winnable

I’D DO ANYTHING, REPRISE

Just another in a long line Of talent shows from hell Just another TV concept Ringing out its death knell

I’M NOT A CLOSET RACIST

I’m not a closet racist

MATINEE

I don’t like modern films Over hyped, over killed

MIDSOMER MURDER

I was thinking recently about Midsomer murders and how in the first series inspector Barnaby had another daughter. Cully was either still at school or at college and her older sister whose name escapes me was married.

MORNINGS AREN’T THE SAME ANYMORE

I miss Wake Up to Wogan I miss the old camuggian

MUSICAL FUSION

There’s a new music fad or fashion A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion

MY UNCLE HAS WRITTEN AN EXPOSE

My Uncle has written an expose

NEW REALITY SHOW

Hot off the press, news of a new reality show has been leaked to the national press. The show, to be screened later this year, is to be hosted by the same diminutive pair of talent less Geordie lads who seem to host every thing else on Saturday nights.

ODEON

When I was a kid My sister worked

OH YES HE IS

On stage at the Victoria

ORIGAMI CLUB

When I was at Uni I joined an origami club

POETS OF YORE

Great poets, wordsmiths of yore

REALLY?

The latest TV craze is for reality shows And they seem that they are at their peak There are some new ones starting very soon

REWRITING HISTORY ONE FACT AT A TIME # 1

If there is one thing that irritates me more than any other, it has to be historical inaccuracies in film and TV scripts.

REWRITING HISTORY ONE FACT AT A TIME # 2

If there is one thing that irritates me more than any other, it has to be historical inaccuracies in film and TV scripts.

REWRITING HISTORY ONE FACT AT A TIME # 3

If there is one thing that irritates me more than any other, it has to be historical inaccuracies in film and TV scripts.

SHE READ A POEM

She read a poem Out loud to me On a quiet afternoon

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 1

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 10

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 11

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 12

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 2

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 3

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 4

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 5

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 6

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 7

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 8

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 9

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks Most are just scrounging off the state

SITTING ON THE BACK ROW

Sitting on the back row

STAR WARS DAY

It’s may the 4th

SUPER VOLCANO

My wife and I sat down one Sunday night to watch, what we thought was a nice little medical drama on the BBC about a Super Eruption which we quite

TAKE TWO

How absurd are TV outtakes? Why is it that we delight so much in seeing Actors and presenters cocking up?

THE ANGEL OF THE NORTH

The angel of the north
Cherry

THE BANK OF ENGLAND ANNOUNCED

The Bank of England Announced In an article they wrote

THE BLIZZARD OF OZ

The Blizzard of Oz

THE BRICK ROAD IS YELLOW

The brick road is yellow

THE LADY VANISHES 2013

I’ve just watched the BBC’s new dramatization of The Lady Vanishes and I have to say hats off to Screen Writer Fiona Serez

THE LOCAL AM-DRAM GROUP

The local Am-Dram group

THE MYSTERIOUS AFFAIR OF THE MISCAST SLEUTH

I have long been a fan of Agatha Christie and having read all of her books several times over I watch any of the adaptations that are served up before me.

THE NEW A-TEAM

I always loved the A-Team A force for good Coming to the rescue

THE POET DIPS HIS QUILL

The poet dips his quill In the inkwell of the muse

THE SCULPTOR CREATES

The sculptor creates With skilful hands The beauteous article

THERE WAS UPROAR AT THE BAZAAR

There was uproar at the bazaar

THEY ARE PLANNING A REMAKE

They are planning a remake

THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES

They’re putting on activities For those whose lives need enhancing

TURN ON COUNTDOWN

Last night I was watching Countdown And Rachel Riley in a colourful gown

VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SUNFLOWERS

Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers

VOX POP

I don't have a problem with phone In's per se I don't mind the public having their own say

WALT DISNEY ON ICE

The kids wanted to see Walt Disney on ice

WE ALWAYS GO TO THE PICTURES

We always go to the pictures

WHEN I TOLD MUM

When I told mum I had opened a theatre

WHERE HAVE ALL THE READERS GONE?

Where have all the readers gone, long time passing? Where have all the readers gone, long time ago?

WHO IS ANNE ADCOCK?

The very acerbic Anne Adcock

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT FEMINISM

I wanted to write a book about feminism

I GOT A JOB AT THE CARNIVAL

I got a job at the carnival and

THE SMELL OF BOOKS

I think that the people who say they

A CHICKEN AT THE MOVIES

A chicken at the movies

BREAK A LEG

Telling actors to "Break a leg"

I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER

I upset my granddaughter
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G-SPOT

There was supposed to be

NEW BOND VILLAIN

There is a new Bond villain

PAVLOV’S DOG AND SCHRODINGER’S CAT

I wanted a book about Pavlov’s Dog And Schrodinger’s Cat

WHEN THE ALLSPICE SINGERS

When the allspice singers

ONE DIRECTION HAVE SPLIT UP

“One Direction” have split up

I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER

I think that their name is an misnomer

KERMIT THE FROG’S CAR

Kermit the Frog’s car

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY

They were reviewing the papers

AN ARTIST SHOULD BE ADMIRED

An artist should be admired

THEY’RE REMAKING OLD TV SHOWS

They’re remaking old TV shows

FRED ASTAIRE WAS BELIEVED TO BE

Fred Astaire was believed to be

A STARTER FOR TEN

In our house we never watch

HE WAS AN ASPIRING NOVELIST

He was an aspiring novelist

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 7

If you value your life avoid places

MY YOUNG ACTRESS SISTER

My young actress sister Has absolutely no shame

POETRY IS REMARKABLE

Poetry is remarkable for

THE WHOLE FAMILY WERE WATCHING POINTLESS

The whole family were watching Pointless Playing along and doing quite well, more or less

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE LOVER

William and Claire were watching “Who wants to be a Millionaire”

TELETUBBIES NEWS # 1

Breaking news, a Theme Park

TELETUBBIES NEWS # 2

Breaking news, a Theme Park

EVEN NETFLIX HAS COME TO THE CONCLUSION

Even Netflix has come to the conclusion

I WAS WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY ON TV

I was watching a documentary on TV

STAR WARS MOVIES WERE MADE

Star Wars Movies were made
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