CHRISTMAS TALES - HUMOUR

Humerous Christmas poems and stories

A BLONDE GIFT

Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings of Orient are, Bearing gifts we traverse afar,

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1

For those born on Christmas day

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2

For those born on Christmas day

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3

For those born on Christmas day

A DOG ISN’T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS

A dog isn’t just for Christmas

A MOTHERS CHRISTMAS TALE

I have worked for Ebenezer Scrooge all year A man devoid of any sign of Christmas cheer

A NOVELTY CHRISTMAS CAPER

It was a novelty Christmas caper

A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED

A press release from Santa Claus stated

A QUESTION OF POOH

Its Christmas time again, as if anyone could fail to notice.

ADIOS FRIEND

My Christmas wish for you,

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 1

Well I only got a sweater for Christmas

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 2

I don’t want a present That’s very practical

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 3

I only want one Christmas gift

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

All I want for Christmas is you

ARCTIC EDUCATION

At the North Pole

ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?

Are you wearing elf ears?

ARE YOU WEARING ELFISH EARS?

Are you wearing elfish ears? It’s a very interesting feature

BE ON YOUR GUARD

Be on your guard Wherever you go

BOXING DAY MORNING

If you wake up and feel like hell,

BREAKFAST TIME COMES

Breakfast time comes

BRITISH AIRWAYS AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas dear BA gave to us An apology from Willie

CAROLS BY CANDLE LIGHT

Christmas is a time Of many traditions

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 2

I kept Lily home from school For Christmas shopping

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 3

I kept Billie home from school

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 4

So we could go Christmas shopping

CHRISTMAS CHEER

I went to the pub with my brother For a Christmas, lunchtime drink

CHRISTMAS CHILL

Enjoy your Christmas day in peace

CHRISTMAS COMPLIMENT

As I was basting the bird A thought, to me occurred

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 3

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 4

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse Just another grey day to endure

CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1

It’s Christmas Eve in the workhouse,

CHRISTMAS GETAWAY

The sleigh is empty The list is ticked

CHRISTMAS GIFTS – HIS AND HERS

I got a book for Christmas “101 sexual positions”

CHRISTMAS GOOSE

At Christmas time I do like a goose

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

Christmas has been cancelled!

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED

There's no Christmas this year There will be no Christmas cheer

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull If you want to break the ice Say something funny Or say something nice

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull If you want to break the ice

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull If you want to break the ice

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull If you want to break the ice

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5

When you’re on the pull If you want to break the ice

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull If you want to break the ice

CHRISTMAS POST

Mildred went to the post office To buy stamps for her Christmas cards

CHRISTMAS SCENE

Snow blankets the ground

CHRISTMAS SERVICE

It was a bitterly cold and bleak Christmas morn And had been snowing heavily since before the dawn And for the morning service the waiting minister

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

It was Christmas Eve closing time, nearly Where a last minute shopper, frustrated clearly

CHRISTMAS SUPERSTITION

Is Christmas day on Friday this year?

CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

She likes surprises And at Christmas even more

CHRISTMAS WITH THE BROWNS

Every Christmas day is the same The Browns come round for lunch

COUNT ON IT

If you are constantly worrying About over indulging

DARLING I LOVE YOU

Each and every day I say these words to you Darling I love you

DEAR SANTA CLAUS

Dear Santa Claus I have been good I thought I’d mention that So it’s understood

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY

Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN?

What would you call a man? With a big belly and no dress sense

DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL

Down at the shopping mall

EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT

Ebenezer Scrooge went to court, Accused of sexually violating a cat

FALL OF THE SNOWMAN

Here is a thought of little worth Snowmen start their fall to earth

FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON

For women the holiday shopping season

FORCED ENTRY

I came home today to a horrible sight All the doors and windows were smashed in

FULL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Come Christmas day I will be full of Christmas spirit

GIFTS FOR EVERYONE

Jimmy got an iPod

GIRL POWER

All of the reindeer Pulling Santa’s sleigh

GROTTOS GO LEGAL

Santa’s little helpers, the first contacts,

I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH

I always come out in a rash

I DON’T MEAN TO GO INTO A PANIC

I don’t mean to go into a panic

I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT

I got an inappropriate present

I JUST OPENED MY PRESENT

My old aunt just popped round With a Christmas gift for me

I WENT OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

I went out Christmas shopping But I didn’t get very far

IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT

If the stork was to visit

IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY

If you listen carefully Late on Christmas Eve

IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS

When all the work is done

IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY

In the run up to Christmas be especially

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 1

Is Santa Claus really a woman? Oh do me a favour please

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 2

Is Santa Claus really a woman?

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 3

Is Santa Claus really a woman? Let’s silence those objections

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 4

Is Santa Claus really a woman? Why are we having this debate?

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5

Is Santa Claus really a woman?

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 6

Is Santa Claus really a woman? Well would that be so shocking

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 7

Is Santa Claus really a woman? Well surely its self evident

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 8

Is Santa Claus really a woman?

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV CHRISTMAS

It was another SUV Christmas

IT WAS IN THE BELFRY

It was in the belfry On Christmas Eve High in the tower

IT'S CHRISTMAS

People have been discovering On a Christmas Morning That the curse of Christmas

JINGLE BELLS

Jingle bells, jingle bells, Jingle all the way.

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE

Christmas at the office Is just like any other day

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness Advent calendar

LAST CHRISTMAS

Last Christmas We got the winter vomiting virus

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1

Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,

MARY CHRISTMAS

Before Mary Christmas Married Santa Claus

MERRY CHRISTMAS SIR

Merry Christmas sir, I’m your paper boy

MERRY, MERRY

The doctor scratches his head And is almost struck dumb
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MITHRAS

Mithras was a pagan faith Older than we can remember

MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus

MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS

My sister was afraid of Santa Claus

MY VERY WORST CHRISTMAS EVER

My very worst Christmas ever

MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME

I mustn’t leave my shopping, My wife has made it clear to me,

NEW FOR CHRISTMAS

There is to be a new sanitary product That is set to make cash registers ring

NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH

Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Cherry

NORTHERN LIGHTS

We have just learned Candles may not be burned

OH WHAT A LOVELY GIFT

My mum got me a jumper That fits what it touched

ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT

When my Dad was just a boy

PARTY CLAUS

What does Santa do after Christmas? Well if you want to know the truth

PLASTIC CHRISTMAS

Now Dasher, Now, Dancer Now Prancer and Vixen

PREPARING THE BIRD

The best way to prepare Your turkey this Christmas

RED SUIT

Santa Claus wears his famous red suit

REINDEER TURN

Rudolph is doing stand up

RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER

Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer

RUDOLF’S LOW SELF ESTEEM

Rudolf suffered From low self esteem

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny nose

SAD SANTA

Santa Claus is depressed Its declining standards you see

SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG

Santa's favorite Christmas song

SATAN RULES KO

If you're a worshiper of Satan

SCROOGE AND GRINCH

Scrooge and Grinch Don’t believe in Christmas

SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS

Scrooge hates Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles

SHOP EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS

It was Christmas eve at the magistrates court And the Magistrate was in charitable mood

SNOW BLIND

Since the snow began to fall My wife has done nothing at all

SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC

So you think that you are Claustrophobic

THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE

The best form of exercise

THE GIFT I MOST WANTED

The gift I most wanted Was the sweetest girl
Cherry

THE SANTA CLAUSE

When I was a child I believed in Santa Claus

THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD

There was a Mexican shepherd

THREE WISE ONES

The three wise men Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem

THREE WISE ONES Reprised

The three wise men Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem

TOO MERRY CHRISTMAS

I made too merry yesterday I had a splendid day

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 1

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house,

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 10

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed,

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 14

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Crescent

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15

Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16

Twas the night before Christmas and every abode

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 17

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 2

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the flat,

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 3

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the tent

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 4

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the cottage

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 5

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the castle

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 6

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the castle

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 7

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Hotel

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 8

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the abode

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9

Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Cherry

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP Advent calendar

WATCH OUT

Watch out, watch out There’s a lech about

WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings Of Orient are - not part of a meritocracy

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?

What do you call a blind reindeer?

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1

When Christmas Day was over Mrs Claus needed a release

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2

When Christmas Day was over Mrs Claus needed a release

WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN

When my little kittens settle down

WHEN RUDOLPH ARRIVED

When Rudolph arrived

WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 1

When Santa isn’t working

WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 2

When Santa isn’t working With a happy ho ho ho

WHEN SANTA RETURNED HOME

When Santa returned home To have his tea His wife was there

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”

WHILE BROKERS WATCHED THEIR STOCK BY NIGHT

While brokers watched Their stock by night

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED - SAFELY

While shepherds watched their flocks by night All seated on the ground,

WHO'S THE NEW GUY?

A tenth reindeer flew in Santa's team One unknown pulling Santa's sleigh

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4

Why did the turkey cross the road?

WITHOUT SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

Without Santa’s little helper

WRITTEN WARNING

Beware of what you write In your Christmas letter to Santa

YES THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS

If you want the great gift giver To come on his sleigh and deliver

THREE MEN DIED ON CHRISTMAS EVE

Three men died on Christmas Eve And were stood before St Peter “You must all pass a simple test Before you are allowed to enter”

SANTA IS SUCH A JOLLY CHAP

Have you ever wondered

NEUROTIC CHRISTMAS

One Christmas I was given