CHRISTMAS TALES - SAUCE

Poems and stories wish a little more relish

A CHRISTMAS WISH

On a Christmas Eve at midnight When I got into bed I lay upon my pillow And there beside my head Was Santa with his trousers off And this is what he said Happy Christmas little girl
Cherry

A GIFT FOR MARIA

A young man called Paul Wanted to buy a present For his new sweetheart Maria As a Christmas present As they’d not been dating For a very long duration He decided to purchase

A HAND FOR SANTA

On Christmas Eve Don’t lay awake in bed All you naughty girls Blonde, brunette or red For instead of presents You may get a shock instead You may catch Santa Dressed in his suit of red

A WINTER WONDERLAND

My bell rings, are you listening,

ARE YOU SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER?

Are you Santa’s little helper? Well you’re a proper little belter

ARE YOU WEARING A BUNCH OF MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing a bunch of mistletoe? Well you certainly mean business

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?

Are you wearing a Christmas Top?

ARE YOU WEARING A GREEN CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a green Christmas outfit? You look very beautiful in it

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a red Christmas outfit? You look very beautiful in it

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA HAT?

Are you wearing a Santa hat? A festive little “tit for tat”

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Santa outfit? Does it come with all the kit?

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA SUIT?

Are you wearing a Santa Suit?

ARE YOU WEARING AN ELF OUTFIT?

Are you wearing an elf outfit? Does it come with all the kit?

ARE YOU WEARING ANY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing any clothes?

ARE YOU WEARING ANY UNDIES?

Are you wearing any undies?

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS DRAWERS?

Are you wearing Christmas drawers? I would like a look at yours

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters? Answer me that one for starters

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS HOSIERY?

Are you wearing Christmas hosiery? Phwor are you going to let me see

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Christmas Knickers? Is that appropriate for vicars?

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKS?

Are you wearing Christmas knicks? Proper novelty underwear

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas stockings? Beneath your long red coat

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS TIGHTS?

Are you wearing Christmas tights? Adorned with a festive motif

ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?

Are you wearing red tinsel?

ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL IN YOUR HAIR?

Are you wearing tinsel in your hair? Sitting atop your golden curls

ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL?

Are you wearing tinsel? Draped about your figure

ARE YOU WEARING XMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Xmas stockings? With a holly wreath motif

ARE YOU WEARING XMAS TIGHTS?

Are you wearing Xmas tights?

AS WE APPROACH ANOTHER YULE

As we approach another Yule Its time I went off on the pull

BAD SANTA # 1

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve

BAD SANTA # 2

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve So naughty girl when he comes into view It won’t be a candy cane in his pocket He’ll be really pleased to see you!

BAD SANTA # 4

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve

BRANDISHING YOUR MISTLETOE

It’s Christmas Eve so off you go

CANDY CANES, CINNAMON AND GINGER

Candy Canes, Cinnamon and Ginger Are some of my favourite

CHIMNEY NOOK

The next time you complain At the lack of Christmas nookey

CHRISTMAS JOY

I have a new love in my life That all Christmas I’ll be pleas’n

CHRISTMAS SPICE

Christmas time is very nice

CHRISTMAS TURKEY

Laid naked on the kitchen table White flesh from leg to breast

CRIMBLE LUST

I have a large bunch of mistletoe And you are on my Christmas list

EMPTYING SANTA’S SACK

One Christmas Eve on a roof top up on high A poor soul stands shouting up at the sky

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble My wife greets me with a grumble

EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS

Everyone in the grotto knows The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s

FAIRY ON THE TREE

Fairy, fairy on the tree

FATHER AND CHRISTMAS

What do a Christmas tree And a priest have in comparison?

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

Amidst the preparations For the up coming festivities

GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF

Gropius the eighth dwarf

HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS

I must definitely make sure

HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE

He came home on Christmas Eve On his long awaited Christmas leave

I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES

I am a man of simple tastes But obviously there’s a twist So all I want for Christmas Is Santa’s naughty girl list

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas

I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY

I found her sitting in my study And she was completely in the nuddy

I PULLED A CRACKER

I pulled a cracker At the Christmas Party

I SAW A FIGURE ON THE STAIR

I saw a figure On the stair

I SAW HER ACROSS THE OFFICE

I saw her across the office She had tinsel in her locks

I SAW SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT

I saw Santa Claus last night

I Think I Kissed A Ladyboy One Christmas (Part One)

It was Christmas 1975 and we had just returned to work after having had our Christmas lunch at the pub. Although in truth calling it Christmas lunch was perhaps a bit of a stretch and “Christmas Lunch” makes it sound grander that it actually was.

I Think I Kissed A Ladyboy One Christmas (Part Two)

When I got my hand on her breast I made a startling discovery and no, it wasn’t anything to do with Scaramanga. What I found wasn’t a third nipple but something altogether different. Now I was just a callow youth and I wasn’t hugely experienced in the ways of the world.

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 3

I've always loved my Santa

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4

I've always loved my Santa

IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS CHRISTMAS

If only your left leg was Christmas

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do So let’s have a tipple or two

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho Is Santa’s motto And Santa thought that

MY EVERGREENS

Oh Holly and my Ivy

MY GOOSE WAS COOKED

On Christmas morning

OH MY DEAR MRS. CHRISTMAS

Oh my dear Mrs. Christmas You fill me with cheer

PANTER CLAUS

We’ll have a quiet night in So let the festivities begin

RUBY THE RED NOSED BIMBO

Ruby the red nosed bimbo Had a very strawberry nose

RUDOLPH THE RAMPANT

Rudolph has been grounded And severely reprimanded

SANTA AND ELFIE

Santa and Elfie Were caught in the buff

SANTA AND HIS LITTLE ELF

Santa and his little Elf Have been dismissed

SANTA CLAUS IS IN TROUBLE

Santa Claus is in trouble

SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS

Santa Claus loves Christmas

SANTA’S HELPER

Santa has helpers at Christmas To get him through the season

SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

I’ve bought a special gift For my Christmas honey

SANTA’S R & R

When Santa returns to the North Pole After his momentous Christmas eve

SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY

Santa’s youngest daughter Mary

SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS

She had a very frustrating Christmas

SNOW NOTSO-WHITE AND THE SEVEN DIRTY DWARFS

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho It's home from work we go

SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN

So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town I looked at her with her pure white hair

THE BIG FELLA’S R & R

After circumnavigating the globe

THE BIG FELLA’S R & R AGAIN

After circumnavigating the globe

THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED

The Claus’s lay in their bed

THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES

The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves Was out of control and a bit of a prancer

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS

The difference between Santa Claus

THE HONEST SANTA FAIRY

A sorry old drunk is walking Down the street one morning

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

All year long I fancied Lucy But she turned out to be fickle

TIED UP WITH TINSEL

Have a little yuletide fun

WANTED: SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

It wasn’t efficiency Santa wanted from his helper

WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO

The “house of fun” in Santa’s village

YOU ARE A NAUGHTY LITTLE ELF

You are a naughty little Elf Do you behave yourself?