CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

Poems and Tales about crime and its consequences.

911

I had just ordered my dream car The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own

A LIFE OF CRIME

ACCESSORY TO BUGLARY What looks good on a burglar? And is colored black and tan? Not a swag bag or a Balaclava No ski mask but a Doberman A POUND OFF IF WERE LATE

A PEOPLE PERSON

It read, “I’m a people person”

ABRASIVE BEHAVIOUR

I have been charged with murdering a man

ACCESSORY TO BUGLARY

What looks good on a burglar? And is colored black and tan? Not a swag bag or a Balaclava No ski mask but a Doberman

APPROACHED BY A WOMAN

Approached by a woman Doing customer research

ARE YOU WEARING A DISGUISE?

Are you wearing a disguise?

ARE YOU WEARING A MUFF?

Are you wearing a muff? It’s like a big ball of fluff

ARE YOU WEARING A POLICEMAN’S HAT?

Are you wearing a policeman’s hat?

ARE YOU WEARING A STRAIGHTJACKET?

Are you wearing a straightjacket?

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE COLOGNE?

Are you wearing eau de Cologne?

ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?

Are you wearing handcuffs? What have you been arrested for?

ARE YOU WEARING PROVOCATIVE GARB?

Are you wearing provocative garb?

ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE SHOES?

Are you wearing sensible shoes? And substantial winter tights

ARE YOU WEARING SPIVS GARB?

Are you wearing spivs garb?

BANGER’S

If you should ever want to shoot someone I have an idea on how best it may be done For it to be unnoticed you must do it right Wait until the fun begins on bonfire night

BE ALERT

On public transport You are reminded constantly To be alert and vigilant And report suspicious things you see But if I saw something That might be construed suspicious

CIRCLES

Three men stand before the court On drugs charges that are brought After due process the verdict of all "Guilty followed by the gavels fall

CITIZENSHIP TEST

I have had an idea For a citizenship test

CLAUDE AND MAUD

An unfortunate pair, Claude and Maud

CRIME WATCH

To reduce rising crime There are criteria to meet

CRIMINAL RECORDS

The metropolitan police arrested a man He wasn’t a Londoner he was from Iran What’s his form they would like to know There’s nothing about him at the C.R.O.

DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN

The darkest hour Is just before the dawn So if you’re going to pee
Cherry

DON’T TAKE A FENCE

My uncle John the fence died When I heard I felt quite sorry

DRUNK DRIVING

He was driving home, Shit faced drunk

EIGHT OUT OF TEN INNER CITY MALES

Eight out of ten inner city males

F.L.O.

The police knocked at my door And gave me the fright of my life

FOILED AGAIN

They say those who live by the sword Shall perish by the sword, but they wont

FORENSIC RELATIONSHIP

The police have found a dead body Well half of it as it was decapitated They could only guess at marital status If not divorced then certainly separated

GIVE UP

If the police have you cornered There's no way out, you're in a fix Then sit tight, await instructions "Give up and come out” no tricks Don't try to shoot your way out

GO CSO

A community support officer Today seized a handgun replica The headline in the local paper

GOOD AFTERBULE CONSTERNOON

You were stopped late one Saturday night Because of a defective breaking light Through the window "good morning ocifer” To the constable you just manage to slur

HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 1

He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman

HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 2

He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman

HOW SINGS THE SAVAGE BEAST

How Sings the savage beast With a heart full of misery

HUNTIN’ SHOOTIN’ AND TIPPIN’

There was a craze not long ago

I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED

I certainly don’t want to be murdered

I SAW SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE

I saw something not very nice A poor old man fell over on the ice

I WAS CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING

I was caught shoplifting Form the Apple store

I WENT TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT

I went to the movies last night

I'VE JUST HAD A LETTER FROM A SOLICITOR

I've just had a letter from a solicitor

IF YOU SHOULD FIND

If you should find Three hand grenades one day

IN THE DOCK

A portly man stands in the dock Head bowed down and white with shock Its been decided you did the crime You’ll really pay the price this time The gavel falls down with a bang

IS MY JOB WORSE THAN PRISON? NO

When you’re behind bars in prison much of your time is spent Looking through the bars dreaming of your release day event But if you’re at work you spend much of your time looking afar

IS MY JOB WORSE THAN PRISON? YES

When you’re in prison you may have plenty of time to kill But you don’t have to work and the taxpayer foots the bill But when you’re at work it costs you to get there every day

IT PAYS TO ADVERTISE

There are no flies on me Of which to speak As a result my case Now comes up next week

It’s A Fair Cop

They were stood in the old wooden bus shelter by the village green just after midnight in the depths of a passionate kiss. Lynda Godfrey and Steve Smith had only met that evening at Cassie’s 18th birthday party.

JUSTITIA

Justitia, or lady justice Matronly Goddess

MALEVOLENCE

It isn’t the Prophet, Playing on their fears

MARGE AT LARGE

Marjorie was a clairvoyant Of diminutive stature

MARTYRS LANE

When the martyr’s mothers reminisce

MATERNAL QUALIFICATIONS

Mum should be a parole officer

MERSEYSIDE POLICE SEALED THE CITY CENTRE

Merseyside Police sealed the City Centre

MUM YOU HAVE TO HELP ME

“Mum, Mum you have to help me, My husband Billy

MURDER SQUAD

The police, investigating a series of horrific murders Appear to be out manoeuvred at every turn

MY JOB'S WORSE THAN PRISON

When you're in prison You're in a cell twenty three hours a day But if you're at work You're trapped in a cubicle to earn your pay When you're in prison For being good you get time off I'm assured

MY POOR UNCLE TURNED TO CRIME

My poor uncle turned to crime

MY SOLICITOR SAID

My solicitor said That he would get me
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MY WIFE IS A JAILER

My wife is a jailer And in a fit of passion

NAMING THE CONSTABULARY

Since the days of the bow street runners When they numbered but a few

ON ALERT

I hate living under the threat Of terrorism every day

ON THE CUSTODY BUS

I was employed as a custody assistant by a security company called Really Secure Ltd in their custodial services division with the sole purpose of manning the "Custody Bus on behalf of Frumpshire County Constabulary.

PICK A POCKET ANY POCKET

PICK A POCKET ANY POCKET Last winter it was just about as cold as it can get It was so cold you wouldn’t even go out for cigarettes

PRISONERS ARE SUCH A NUISANCE

Prisoners are such a nuisance When they are justly contained

RED ROSE

Red rose carried no blush She was not an English flower

REFRESHING SUPPORT

My wife left the house last week

REPEAT OFFENDER

It was his repeated use

ROBIN THE HOODY

Robin the Hood Robbed from the rich

ROSE HIT VIOLET

Rose hit bully Violet

SAVAGERY LONG SINCE PROCURED

Savagery long since procured Its inhumane and bestial song

SHOT WITH A STARTING PISTOL

A man living in Bristol

SOME YOUNGSTERS ARE BREAKING INTO CARS

Some youngsters are breaking into cars,

SUSHI AT THE BAR

There is to be a new establishment to specialize in Sushi

TAKE ME TO CUBA

There was once this terrorist group Some obscure fundamentalist troup Who hijacked one of the Jumbo fleet With a Journalist in every single seat

TAKEN ITS TOLL

I don’t have a bell to ring Someone’s taken my dingaling

THE BOYS

The Police arrested two kids One was drinking battery acid,

THE CORRECT SOLUTION

I was caught stealing Tippex

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF A MUMMY

The disappearance of a mummy

THE DRUG MULE SURPRISE

The drug mule Smuggled cocaine

THE NEWS OF THE WORLD

The News of the World Oh the irony is sweet

THE RED BARN MURDER

At the Old Red Barn In a Suffolk village

THE ROAD TO DAMASCUS

A man was walking one night Down a lane without a light Thinking that he heard a sound The man then turned around Someone jumped him suddenly And assaulted him violently

THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE

There was a murder in a Norfolk village But the police are struggling to solve it

TO PROTECT AND SERVE

A police officer was shot Bravely in the line of duty

TO THOSE WHO LOOTED

To those who looted electrical goods during rioting,

TRAFFIC COP – AVOID ANY REFERENCE

Sometimes you can talk Your way out of a ticket

TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS

Sometimes you can talk Your way out of a ticket

TRAFFIC COP – CONDITIONAL

Sometimes you can talk Your way out of a ticket

TRAFFIC COP – DO YOU KNOW?

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO CLEVER

Sometimes you can talk Your way out of a ticket

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO FUNNY

Sometimes you can talk Your way out of a ticket

TRAFFIC COP – HOLD IT

When the police pulled me over The reason wasn’t exactly clear It could have been the speeding

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY

“I’m sorry” the Officer said

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY OFFICER

“I have to book you” the Officer said

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY PUTZ

When the police caught me speeding My eyes were strained and blinking I was pulled over by a putz

TRAFFIC COP – SERIOUS BUMMER

Sometimes you can talk Your way out of a ticket A little bit of charm

TRAFFIC COP – SOMETHING IN COMMON

Sometimes you can talk Your way out of a ticket

TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING

When a cop stopped me for speeding They fined me one hundred pounds

TROUBLESOME YOUTH

Police were called to the kindergarten

TWELVE MEN AND TRUE

When you appear in the crown court You put your faith in, without a thought Twelve people who weren't, frankly Smart enough to get out of jury duty

VICTIMS OF THE SPITE

From the playground To the workplace

WHAT DO YOU CALL?

What do you call?

WHO KILLED THE PINBALL WIZARD?

The Pinball wizard is dead

A YOUNG MAN GOT MUGGED

A young man got mugged

MY UNCLE GOT CAUGHT STEALING AGAIN

My uncle got caught stealing again

HE WANDERED THE STREETS

He wandered the streets Clothed in tattered rags

I AM NOT A GERMAPHOBE

I am not a Germaphobe, but cleanliness

GUN CONTROL

“Guns don’t kill people” is what that say

HOLMES HAD OVERDOSED

Holmes told Watson that he had overdosed