THE FAMOUS AND THE INFAMOUS

Poems and stories of those who found fame, those who live in infamy as well as those who fall in between.

HAS ANYONE SEEN BERNARD?

I can't remember the last time to be truthful I heard Mr. Matthew's say they're "bootiful You never see him smiling broadly on the TV As he express's the virtues of bits of Turkey It's not even Bernard's voice on the Turkey ads

"Ai-Weh-Deh" Gladys Aylward - Born February 24th 1902 - Died January 3rd 1970

She was born February twenty forth nineteen oh two On the outskirts of London the Oldest sister of two

A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION

In order to keep supping From the gravy train

A WANDER DOWN LUPINO LANE

You should have watched Steve Punt? Does anyone know does James Hunt? Few people stopped to see Steve Race?

ABRAHAM MARTIN AND JOHN

Was Abraham Lincoln a truly heroic figure is he worthy of his place in history? Did he really care about the slaves in the southern states that he rallied the north into fighting a bloody war for their freedom?

ALAS MEL SMITH

Melvin Kenneth "Mel" Smith (3 December 1952 – 19 July 2013)

ANOTHER DRINK VICTORIA?

I’m curious to know was Howard Stern? You should have watched Gabriel Byrne? Id really like to know did Penny Root? Would you also like to see Neville Shute?

ARE YOU WEARING A CHAPEAU?

Are you wearing a chapeau? That’s the French for hat you know?

ARE YOU WEARING A FRINGE?

Are you wearing a fringe?

AT THE FOOT OF MY BED

At the foot of my bed

BYE, BYE, EVERYONE, BYE, BYE

Sooty is 60 years old now And has had a long career But behind the sweet façade There lurks a secret I fear Sooty and co-star Sweep Were rivals for the love of Soo

CAN YOU SEE WHAT IT IS YET?

When young Rolf was taught to swim

CAN YOU SEE WHAT IT IS YET?

When young Rolf was taught to swim It was his dad who chose to teach him The method his dad chose to employ When Rolf Harris was only just a boy Was to throw young Rolf into a pond A method of which his dad was fond

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER

It's hard to make a come back Let me make that clear

DAME THORA HIRD

It was on the news that I heard About the loss of dame Thora Hird She died at the age of ninety one She always reminded me of my mum I will really miss dear Thora Hird She was ordinary, yes that's the word

DAME THORA HIRD - May 28, 1911 to March 15, 2003

In these days when the news broadcast's spew out stories of death and destruction around the clock and to be honest I've become more than a little de-sensitized.

I HATE AUTOMATED SWITCHBOARDS

I hate automated switchboards They are so annoyingly slow

LUMINARY PERSONAGE

Luminary personage Of prominence

TOM SHARPE RIP

He wrote Vintage Stuff Of Riotous Assembly

WHEN ALBERT EINSTEIN

When Albert Einstein

FAME

OH GOODY My wish is to get my poems published And not because I want to be paid And I will just have to persevere Until I manage to make the grade I will give up trying however, if I see

SHE’S KEEN BUT WHERE’S HE BEEN

Did anyone else see David Pegg? You should have heard Alexander Begg? Was anyone else watching Emma Peel? I didn’t think I’d ever see Andrew Neal? Does anyone know is George Nigh?

THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY

If there was any justice In this world full of dread Elvis would still be alive And his impersonators dead

RIGHT SAID FRED

He’s not to my taste But he did have a kind of grace When Fred Astaire was auditioned His abilities were questioned They said he can’t act Nor can he sing But he can dance a bit

DR. NO, NO, NO

In 2008 The next James Bond movie theme Is to be performed By Amy Winehouse it would seem I heard her described As Shirley Bassey with tattoos Perhaps more accurately she’s

OSCAR AND THE DAME

One day with her nephew or niece Dame Peggy Ashcroft was travelling In Royal Berkshire on British railways When they came to a halt just outside Reading For quite a while they were stationary

HARRY POTTER AND THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH

When everyone was having fun In the holidays, poor lonely Harry Had to return each time To the bosom of the family Dursley As he waited for word from Sirius He was always at a lose end

OH GOODY

My wish is to get my poems published And not because I want to be paid And I will just have to persevere Until I manage to make the grade I will give up trying however, if I see

FREDERICK BAZILLE

In the woodlands of burgundy A bright light of impressionism Was cut down by Prussian rifles In the name of French imperialism His corpse left decaying in a ditch

TURN ON COUNTDOWN DEAR?

I was watching Carol and twice nightly Countdown with Vorderman and Whitely When I told my wife where I am housed That when watching Carol I got Aroused I could tell that I had let down my guard

STINGER

He’s a man from the north Who can play and sing Gordon Sumner is his name But he’s known as Sting About “Roxanne” and “Walking on the moon” he sang Leaving the Police to solo

SLOWLY SAM

Sam Peckinpah was a film director Of films with action blood and gore In celebration of his novel notion He was duly buried in slow motion

YESH MUM

In a poll of the sexiest men of the last millenium Sean Connery came top of the lot for my mum This isn’t so much a poll though I would suggest My mum considers it to be more of her to do list

THANK GOD FOR WINNIE

Winston Churchill saved the day In his own inimitable way He led us as we stood alone Against Hitler and the rockets drone

WAR BY GEORGE

David Lloyd George when in power Got it wrong whence came the hour He took the decision behind closed doors And led us into the war to end all wars

DENNIS ANYONE?

Her dear husband was The golden thread running through His Margaret’s life He was her rod and her staff The iron ladies Dennis

THE REAL TRUMPTON

There is to be yet another reality show Including many celebrities we all know With for example Bishop Desmond TuTu Reg Varney and the myopic Mister Magoo

PARKY

It’s the end of an era now Michael Parkinson has retired; he was the last of his kind, a special breed.

I DID

Marriages between celebrities And people of that ilk Are considered to be a success If they out last milk

DISSECTING DI

I should first point out that I was not a huge fan of Diana Princes of Wales, Princess Diana, Lady Di or any other incarnation, when she was alive in fact I took a dislike to her right from the very b

DOLLY WOULD

The bigger they are The harder they fall But in Dolly Parton’s views

IF AT FIRST BRUCE

By “If at first you don't succeed” What Robert the Bruce meant

GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING

With exquisite touch His brush added lustre

WHY ALBERT

Why did Albert Schweitzer die? Or why Albert Einstein passed by

GLADYS HAMMOND, AWOKEN FROM SLUMBER

Where Sunlight, Defused by the leaf canopy Dappled the ground Gladys rested, quietly Beneath an English sky Peacefully sleeping In a quiet place But for the church bells echo

DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH

Last night I went to a Neil Diamond concert And it certainly lived up to the advert
Cherry

TITTER YE NOT AMY

The pop diva Amy Winehouse It was announced in the press today

HARRY POTTER - THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH

He must return every time school ends To the bosom of the family Dursley Where he must while away the time With only an old owl for company

WEDDING SUPER

Well congratulations are in order

OH GOODY, WHERE ARE THE CAMERAS

A reaction to Jades obsession with the limelight

SANDALS IN THE BIN - THE BALLAD OF MOTHER THERESA

Goodbye Mother T Though I never knew you at all

LADY MARY

Mary, lady with the malady

REAR OF THE YEAR 2011

In the Rear of the Year

ROTY 2011

It is such a travesty Of a decision I fear

TOMMY AND ERIC

Tommy Cooper And Eric Morecambe

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD

Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote “The pen is mightier than the sword”

J. WELLINGTON WIMPY

J. Wellington Wimpy, One of Popeye’s crowd,

DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM

I recently saw an email With photos of celebrity types

WHEN STEVE JOINED BOB AND JOHNNY

Steve Jobs has gone to glory,

THE MCCARTNEY TRIALS 2012

I enjoyed the Jubilee concert It was a wonderful night

THE EXIT STRATEGY

The national anthem played at the end Of a night at the cinema, in my youth .

HOLIDAY HIGHLIGHT

I was on a family holiday in Dubrovnik in the late eighties at a time when it was still part of old republic of Yugoslavia.

ARE YOU WEARING A LITTLE BLACK DRESS?

Are you wearing a little black dress?

WATCH AS ROBBIE BURNS

I'm curious to know was Rip Torn? Did anyone else see Oliver Bourne? What do you think does Alice Leed? You should have watched Doris Speed? Does anyone know was Ann Frank? I have often wondered is Lauren Blanc?

SAM PECKINPAH - February 21, 1925 to December 28, 1984

If you asked anyone of my generation namely anyone born before 1960 to name there top fifty films a Sam Peckinpah film would undoubtedly be on the list. But it almost certainly wouldn't be the same film on every list such was the diversity of his work.

GAWD'N BENNIT - THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JAMES GORDON BENNET II, 1841 - 1918

Gordon Bennett, not an exclamation but a real person Born in New York but enjoying a European education Named after his father who had been born a Scotsman

MARY KEZIA ROBERTS

Mary Kezia Roberts Was a remarkable woman

DEAR OSCAR

He was witty
1 likes

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

When the tragic death Was announced on the news

CHERYL COLE LIKE OTHER CELEBS

Cheryl Cole like other celebs

WHEN THEY TOLD CHERYL COLE

When they told Cheryl Cole

STAR STRUCK

A contagion struck down

JOHN BERCOW

John Bercow has

HORSEY CLAIRE BALDING

Horsey Claire Balding

THE CILLIT BANG GUY

The Cillit Bang guy is

MY COUSIN IS A LOOKALIKE

My cousin is a lookalike,

THE POETIC PAM AYRES

The poetic Pam Ayres

POSH AND BECKS LOOKALIKES

Posh and Becks lookalikes

WHEN POLICE SEARCHED THE HOME

When Police searched the home Of Cliff Richard, and were to seize

PLEASE DON’T GET ME WRONG

Please don’t get me wrong It’s not that I’m a prude

GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPED DOWN

George Washington chopped down His father's favourite cherry tree,

TA TA TOGMEISTER

I woke up with Wogan, With 8 million others

WINSTON AND THE LADY

Lady Astor once said smartly To Winston Churchill at a party

GREER GARSON C.B.E. 29th September 1903 - April 6th, 1996

There is something of a discrepancy about Greer Garson's date and place of birth as it has been given with equal credibility as London and Liverpool in England and County Down in Ireland on dates between 1903 and 1908.

GEORGE GIPP "THE GIPPER" - February 18, 1895 ' December 14, 1920

George Gipp Grew up in Laurium, Michigan and was a natural athlete. He was an avid sportsman on the track, as well as hockey, sandlot football, and organized baseball however prior to his arrival at Notre Dame College he had never played high school football.

ERIC CHRISTMAS - 19th March, 1916 - 22nd July, 2000

Eric Cuthbert Christmas was born March 19th 1916 in London. He trained at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art and in 1936 gained valuable experience in the English repertory theatre. The zenith of his early theatrical days was a principal role in the London production of Noel Coward's "Bitter Sweet" before the Second World War.

ROBERT DONAT - 18th March, 1905 ' 9th June, 1958

Some actor's, male and female, have such a presence when they're on the screen that you feel an immediate empathy with them, Robert Donat had that effect on me.

REGINALD JOSEPH MITCHELL C.B.E. - 20th May, 1895 to 11th June, 1937

Reginald Joseph Mitchell was born in the village of Talke, Stoke-on-Trent, in Staffordshire England. After leaving Hanley High School in 1910 at the age of 16 he gained an apprenticeship at a locomotive engineering works, Kerr Stewart & Co of Fenton,

NOT A BAD PENNY

I am always unsure when I meet someone from the acting profession whether the persona I am presented with is merely a mask, another character adopted rather than the real person. Now with some Celebrities you would probably be happier with the mask than the rather shallow original.

VICTORIA WOOD 1953-2016

I’ve always thought The word overused

VICTORIA WOOD A TRUE TALENT

If I have to pick just one Gem From her creative canon

RICHARD GURLEY DREW

Richard Gurley Drew invented Sellotape
1 likes
Cherry

I ASKED C.S. LEWIS

I asked C.S. Lewis what he kept In his wardrobe,

I LOVE BRUCE WILLIS MOVIES

I love Bruce Willis Movies But I have been barred

CELEBRITY CHEESE

Jay Z has a favourite cheese

I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT OBE STANDS FOR

I don’t know exactly what OBE stands for