Having a smoking section in a restaurant Is so un-cool It's like having a peeing section In a swimming pool
Exercise is a good thing Pushing your body physically It can take many forms I like cycling particularly I like golf and swimming I like long walks, especially When they are taken by
Exercise is good for you There is no doubt in that A good exercise regime Will burn your excess fat
A man recovering from surgery was asked By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”
If you stopped taking exercise When you got your first TV remote And you haven’t eaten lettuce Since Maggie Thatcher got the vote If you haven’t seen your feet
I went to the dentist And was called by his receptionist I stepped in not getting far When he said "Say Aaah" "Why?" I instantly replied He said "because my dog died"
Sarah was absent last week because she had an Illness fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Catherine, her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,
The most painful household incident Is NOT Stepping bare foot on an upturned plug That you forgot The most painful household incident Is instead Stubbing your little toe in the dark
My wife has a phobia of automation She doesn’t trust things robotic At the hospital she wont use Sliding doors because their automatic We have to walk round the back
My daughter has a minor back complaint And she has suffered for ten years nearly She has tried almost every type of therapy For which in that time she has paid dearly
A middle-aged man went to his doctor’s surgery The doctor asked “Why have you’ve come to me?” Listening very carefully with his head to one side
The doctor scratches his head And is almost struck dumb Why does his patient have A strawberry stuck up his bum The only answer is On a strawberry he must have sat Then he says
It is pride that comes before my falls When I'm in the room with padded walls I can concur without any hesitation Pride stopped me taking my medication In a canvas coat with straps of leather
I've been going out with this nurse And you know what they say about them I think it must be an old wives tale Because I cant get my hand past her hem I haven't had my tongue in her throat
My big brother Jonathon was told When he was forty-one years old That he must change in every way And take some exercise every day He was warned he had to change
I had occasion this week to visit a close friend in hospital and while there I ran into another friend, Sheila who I hadn’t seen for about a year, who is a nurse.
SMOKING KILLS (acrostics) Strand Mayfair Old Holborn Knights Iceberg Number 6 Guards Kent Imported Lucky Strike Liberty St Moritz WOW THAT’S GOOD (acrostics) Woodbine Old Gold
People would say “You look well” People I hadn’t seen for months Especially And I admit I did feel well But inside I was being consumed From the inside out By an unseen evil Krebs
This is a sure fire way of slimming down As dieting tips go it’s an absolute winner If you make sure you associate with the obese You will...
"We all eat a pinch before we die” Or so I've heard the saying go But the closeness of the events Is what no one seems to know
The art of medicine Would appear to be To distract the patient Sufficiently For Mother Nature To cure the disease
I’m not afraid of guns Guns don’t bother me It’s the bullets though That scares me really I’m not afraid of heights Heights don’t bother me If you fall, it’s the ground
They used to call us fatty Chunky or sometimes tubby Euphemisms like sumo Alternatively maybe chubby However Political correctness Has demanded that this must cease
Laughing is good for you The effect is known worldwide Laughing is good for you The benefits cannot be denied Laughing is like exercise It's like your jogging on the inside
When you find a woman Collapsed upon the floor DO loosen her clothing But only about her neck or waist DON’T remover her under garments DO check her pulse At the wrist or neck
A man went to doctor Grace’s "I've hurt my arm in several places" The man said clearly in pain Doc Grace said "well don't go there again"
When Phillip went to the doctors surgery, The doctor said to him in a cheery way “I haven't seen you In a long time phil" Phillip replied "I know I've been ill"
A man went to Doctor Grace’s "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." The doctor thought for a moment "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
One day a man asked his doctor at his surgery "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "Have you discussed it with your family?" "Yes and they're in favour fifteen to three."
There are many Phobias and fears Causing consternation Jitters or tears Like agoraphobia Fear of open spaces Parks and fields And public places They are by definition Irrational by nature
I find at times life gets me down a bit And I get depressed I must admit I’m not the only one that is sometimes down And I try to make a smile out of a frown
An embarrassed young man visited his GP As he had a problem when he went to pee The man explained when he went to tinkle
An embarrassed young man visited his GP As he had a problem when he went to pee The man explained when he went to tinkle That he tended in fact to rather sprinkle
My dad told me that I'm daft So I just hysterically laughed I think then I must be going mad Not really a lot, no just a tad I must be going a little potty Even eccentric or maybe dotty
MEDICAL TRAINING Even a Native American medicine man Or a witch-doctoring quack cannot tell which way the train went Just by looking at the track ONE OF YOU IS MAD You write every week
CHECK WITH THE DOC Bimbette went to the doctors To talk about her pregnancy Doc asked, “Have you had a check up?” She said, “No he was polish actually” DOCTOR LARDY
MODERN MALAISE Do you fell run down? Tired and irritable? Well I do so sod off Because I’m unstable WHATS UP DOC A medical Journal, said apparently That nine out of ten doctors agree
I joined a health club last year It cost two hundred pounds so quite dear I haven’t lost a single pound So as an investment not very sound But it wasn’t their fault to be fare
A man went to see Doctor Crum "I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum." "How's that?" "Don't you start"
I’m sat in the hospital canteen Where all of life can be seen I look at people around me
Yes I really gave up smoking over a year ago To do it I borrowed a book from a man I know It consisted of a mixture of positive thinking Psychobabble and even confidence reinforcing
When you go to see your local practice doctor A “jack of all trades” or general practitioner And it’s not obvious what it is that’s ailing you The doctor will plump for a new stain of flu
I need to get some help But they won’t let me in I’m going off the rails again But they won’t let me in I need to get some therapy But they won’t let me in My medication has run out
If I really have to go, as they say that I must Into the keeping of God, my soul I’ll trust If I really have to go, I won’t mind so much Accompanied by angels, God’s hand I’ll touch
There are many things that keep me awake in my bed at night And I will often toss and turn until the dawn's first light I am plagued with Persistent nagging thoughts from within For instance who put the Alphabet in the order that it's in?
I awake unwell with swollen glands With fevered brow and sweaty hands I shake and shiver and cough and sneeze I sweat and flush and choke and wheeze
I awake unwell with swollen glands With fevered brow and sweaty hands I shake and shiver and cough and sneeze
No matter how bad it is when they tell you You never quite believe it’s true No matter the stories that are told to you You never quite believe they’re true
It takes neurotics To build castles in the air But it takes psychotics To live in them there
It is said to keep you fit and well Laughter is the best medicine Unless of course you are a diabetic Then the best thing is insulin
The experts tell us, Which makes me a little uneasy We are what we eat So I’m fast cheap and easy
I don’t smoke any longer Of long life I'm fonder Will it help I wonder To make me any stronger And make me live longer Or make it seem longer
MIND AND BODY – BROKEN BODY How cruel What callous vindictiveness So unutterably spiteful Perpetrated by the Supreme Being? Part of some master plan Or predestined by the fates
Even a Native American medicine man Or a witch-doctoring quack Cannot tell which way the train went Just by looking at the track
How cruel What callous vindictiveness So unutterably spiteful Perpetrated by the Supreme Being? Part of some master plan Or predestined by the fates The roll of a dice It’s unimportant who
When does it start? And how Does someone flick a switch? Is it like that? There must be a beginning Everything begins This must begin with a cell Just one dieing Then another Cell by cell
My acupuncturist attacked me When she proper lost her temper She stabbed me with a needle But you know, I’ve never felt better
Some people seek perfection Something’s offend their vanity Which leads them to decide On bouts of cosmetic surgery Breast enlargements, tummy tucks Rhinoplasti implants and grafts
I saved up for ages and I was going to have a face-lift I was going to treat myself it was to be a sort of gift It was when the day drew close doubts grew to suffice
You write every week To your Mother in Leek Even though she writes you Every day or two From the Isle of Wight Asking why you never write
Sam went to the Doctors With every ache and pain And with every sniff and sniffle He would go again and again If he had a simple heat rash He thought he had meningitis
Doctor! Doctor! I have a terrible problem I say things but then cant remember them That is a problem when did it first happen? I’m sorry doctor what problem is that then?
A man was sent to see a Psychiatrist For an appointment he could not miss When the doctor saw the poor chap He was dressed only in plastic shrink wrap The Doctor said, with no ifs or buts
Anaphylactic shock is a severe allergic reaction to something such as a Bee sting or maybe eating peanuts or shellfish.
A smoker is always attracted to the non-smoking section Due largely to any one of the following eventualities
One of the guys was off sick yesterday He had a sore throat well that’s what he says But he was seen in a pub trying to cure it By pouring pints of lager down it
In an attempt to change my life style I became a vegetarian, well for a while But for me it didn't suit, and wasn't right Because I kept leaning towards sunlight
I think animal testing is a terrible idea In fact it’s a concept rather queer They get all nervous in their own way And give the wrong answers anyway
The simple art of medicine Consists simply of this to begin Just keep the patients amused Blinded with science and confused This will keep them at their ease While Nature cures the disease
In the dentists chair I lie I am not brave I think Ill cry He turns to me my tooth to fill
I have always had lead in my pencil I was always known to be quite “furtil” With six kids already I’m at the stage As my wife and I reach middle age To take drastic action don’t you see?
Last year at a biology convention A researcher was heard to mention “We don’t use lab rats anymore” You could have heard a pin hit the floor “We use “Wannabees” now instead”
A girl goes to the doctor in some distress What’s the problem or do I have to guess? I keep singing the green, green grass of home That sounds to me like Tom Jones syndrome
Now trapped wind can be A problem apparently A thing to overcome And a real worry to some While not endangering It does cause suffering But keep it in they ought Despite any discomfort