HEALTH MATTERS

 

A BITTER PILL

Realisation of my folly comes

A BLOCKED VALVE

I have some information to impart Why it is that men snore

A CAUTIONARY TALE

Since the time I had unprotected sex

A COOL SMOKE

Having a smoking section in a restaurant Is so un-cool It's like having a peeing section In a swimming pool

A DOCTOR DROWNED IN A WATER HOLE

A doctor drowned in a water hole

A DOCTOR POINTED OUT

A Doctor pointed out a piece of lettuce

A FARE HEARING

My friend just returned from America Where he had under gone surgery

A GOOD EXERCISE

Exercise is a good thing Pushing your body physically It can take many forms I like cycling particularly I like golf and swimming I like long walks, especially When they are taken by

A GOOD HEART

Exercise is good for you There is no doubt in that A good exercise regime Will burn your excess fat

A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

A balanced diet Is what is planned

A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY

A man recovering from surgery was asked By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”

A PAIR OF THERMOMETERS

What is the difference? Between a pair of thermometers

A QUESTION OF HEALTH

If you stopped taking exercise When you got your first TV remote And you haven’t eaten lettuce Since Maggie Thatcher got the vote If you haven’t seen your feet

A STIFF DRINK

Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,

A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN

A vertically challenged man Went to see his GP
Cherry

A WORLD OF MY OWN

I live in my own little world Yes I do I’m quite sincere

AAAH DENTIST

I went to the dentist And was called by his receptionist I stepped in not getting far When he said "Say Aaah" "Why?" I instantly replied He said "because my dog died"

ABSENTEE (ACROSTICS)

Sarah was absent last week because she had an Illness fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Catherine, her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,

ACCIDENTAL INJURY

The most painful household incident Is NOT Stepping bare foot on an upturned plug That you forgot The most painful household incident Is instead Stubbing your little toe in the dark

AFTER HENRI HAD BEEN TO THE DENTIST

After Henri had been To the dentist his mouth

AFTER HER EXAMINATION

After her examination The doctor said

ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE - ACUPUNCTURE

When you finish the treatment

AMPUTEE

She said “What happened to you? “You’ve been in the wars a bit”

AN AFFAIR OF THE HEART

An affair of the heart

AN OPTIMISTIC OPTICIAN

I go to an optimistic optician

ANAPHYLAXIS

I had to go to the hospital today After I had been stung by a bee

ARE YOU USING CONTRACEPTION?

“Are you using contraception? Either Condoms or the pill?

ARE YOU WEARING A BOB?

Are you wearing your hair in a bob? I think they’ve done a good job

ARE YOU WEARING A MONOCLE?

Are you wearing a monocle?

ARE YOU WEARING A NURSE’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a nurse’s outfit? Does it come with all the kit?

ARE YOU WEARING COLOURED LENSES?

Are you wearing coloured lenses?

ARE YOU WEARING CONTACT LENSES?

Are you wearing contact lenses?

ARE YOU WEARING JUST A SMILE?

Are you wearing just a smile? Beneath your uniform all the while

ARE YOU WEARING LENSES?

Are you wearing lenses?

ARE YOU WEARING SCRUBS?

Are you wearing scrubs? It’s not a sexy look

ARE YOU WEARING SURGICAL STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing surgical stockings?

ARE YOU WEARING TINTED LENSES?

Are you wearing tinted lenses?

AUTOMATIC PHOBIA

My wife has a phobia of automation She doesn’t trust things robotic At the hospital she wont use Sliding doors because their automatic We have to walk round the back

BABY CARE UNIT

I just heard about an incident That is reportedly true

BACK TALK

My daughter has a minor back complaint And she has suffered for ten years nearly She has tried almost every type of therapy For which in that time she has paid dearly

BATH SYMPTON

A middle-aged man went to his doctor’s surgery The doctor asked “Why have you’ve come to me?” Listening very carefully with his head to one side

BERRY, BERRY

The doctor scratches his head And is almost struck dumb Why does his patient have A strawberry stuck up his bum The only answer is On a strawberry he must have sat Then he says

BIRTH DEFECT

A woman gave birth to a baby And knew instantly that it was not right

BITTER PILL

It is pride that comes before my falls When I'm in the room with padded walls I can concur without any hesitation Pride stopped me taking my medication In a canvas coat with straps of leather

BLUE NUN

Mother Superior called together All the nuns in the convent

BMI

I am not obese Let’s get that right

BODY IMAGE

I am not perfect My figure is not the best Some bits I really hate

BREATHE THROUGH IT

A young woman had a panic attack A side effect of British Railways

BUM DOCTOR

When you visit the proctologist Just be careful if you get my gist

CALL ME EPPING

They call me Epping Coz I’m not the full shilling

CARRY ON NURSE

I've been going out with this nurse And you know what they say about them

CARRY ON NURSE

I've been going out with this nurse And you know what they say about them I think it must be an old wives tale Because I cant get my hand past her hem I haven't had my tongue in her throat

CHANGE YOUR WAYS

My big brother Jonathon was told When he was forty-one years old That he must change in every way And take some exercise every day He was warned he had to change

CODE NAMED EPPING

I had occasion this week to visit a close friend in hospital and while there I ran into another friend, Sheila who I hadn’t seen for about a year, who is a nurse.

COME AND FEEL SOMETHING SURPRISING

Come and feel something surprising

CONDOM

In the Middle Ages The condom was invented

COUGHS AND SNEEZES

Coughs and sneezes Spread diseases Colds and flu

D-DAY 1st JULY

SMOKING KILLS (acrostics) Strand Mayfair Old Holborn Knights Iceberg Number 6 Guards Kent Imported Lucky Strike Liberty St Moritz WOW THAT’S GOOD (acrostics) Woodbine Old Gold

DANIELLE ASKED RAY

Danielle asked Ray “How was your check up today?

DEADLY HYMENOPTERA

Insects are dangerous I thought you should know

DEADLY RECREATION

Don’t go swimming When the red flags fly

DEATH BY CRABS

People would say “You look well” People I hadn’t seen for months Especially And I admit I did feel well But inside I was being consumed From the inside out By an unseen evil Krebs

DIETING TIP # 1

When you are alone

DIETING TIP # 2

When you eat with someone else

DIETING TIP # 3

I don’t know all the science involved

DIETING TIP # 4

When you eat with someone else

DIETING TIP # 5

If you drink a diet coke With a chocolate bar

DIETING TIP # 6

Foods and drinks used

DIETING TIP # 7

This is a sure fire way of slimming down As dieting tips go it’s an absolute winner If you make sure you associate with the obese You will...

DIETING TIP # 8

Regarding the eating of broken biscuits

DIETING TIP # 9

Things licked off knives and spoons,

DIRT WONT KILL YOU

"We all eat a pinch before we die” Or so I've heard the saying go But the closeness of the events Is what no one seems to know

DO NO HARM

The art of medicine Would appear to be To distract the patient Sufficiently For Mother Nature To cure the disease

DO NOT FEAR

I’m not afraid of guns Guns don’t bother me It’s the bullets though That scares me really I’m not afraid of heights Heights don’t bother me If you fall, it’s the ground

DOCTOR BLUNT

My doctor was very unfair

DOCTOR FEELGOOD

My doctor advised me to Take regular exercise

DOCTOR FRANK

My doctor was very frank When discussing my fitness

DOCTOR HUSBAND

The doctor and his wife Were having a fight

DOCTOR IN MOTION

“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea And I think it’s hereditary”

DOCTOR LARDY

They used to call us fatty Chunky or sometimes tubby Euphemisms like sumo Alternatively maybe chubby However Political correctness Has demanded that this must cease

DOCTOR MANNERS

Elsie went to see her doctor Because of persistent back pain

DOCTOR PHOBIA

I went to see my GP. And I said

DOCTOR PLEASE

“Doctor please help me?

DOCTOR SHARP

I went to see the doctor

DOCTOR UPBEAT

My Doctor said to me, “Jack

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 1

My Doctor gave me six months to live.

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 2

I had a phone call from the doctor

DON’T EAT ANYTHING FATTY

My doctor said to me

DON’T MAKE A SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF

If you walk into everything

DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH

Laughing is good for you The effect is known worldwide Laughing is good for you The benefits cannot be denied Laughing is like exercise It's like your jogging on the inside

DO’S AND DON’TS

When you find a woman Collapsed upon the floor DO loosen her clothing But only about her neck or waist DON’T remover her under garments DO check her pulse At the wrist or neck

DO’S AND DON’TS

When you find a woman Collapsed upon the floor

DR GRACE

A man went to doctor Grace’s "I've hurt my arm in several places" The man said clearly in pain Doc Grace said "well don't go there again"

DR PHIL

When Phillip went to the doctors surgery, The doctor said to him in a cheery way “I haven't seen you In a long time phil" Phillip replied "I know I've been ill"

DRASTIC SURGERY

People of a certain age With skin like tired elastic

DROPPED

A man went to Doctor Grace’s "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." The doctor thought for a moment "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

EARLY ARRIVAL

At premature ejaculators anonymous

EARLY RISER

When I do my exercise I do it early in the morning

EPIDEMIC TO PANDEMIC

The UK swine flu cases

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

You must have an exercise regime My doctor advised me

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2

You must have an exercise regime My doctor advised me

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3

You must have an exercise regime My doctor advised me

FAMILY PLANNING

One day a man asked his doctor at his surgery "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "Have you discussed it with your family?" "Yes and they're in favour fifteen to three."

FAMILY PLANNING ADVICE

I went to the family planning clinic And I got a tip that is beyond price

FEAR NOT

There are many Phobias and fears Causing consternation Jitters or tears Like agoraphobia Fear of open spaces Parks and fields And public places They are by definition Irrational by nature

FEELING DOWN

I find at times life gets me down a bit And I get depressed I must admit I’m not the only one that is sometimes down And I try to make a smile out of a frown
Cherry

FEVERISH

I don’t think I have swine flu

FEVERISH AGAIN

I am suffering from gammon flu

FEVERISH AGAIN AND AGAIN

That medical catastrophe The flu pandemic

FEVERISH ONCE AGAIN

That medical catastrophe The flu pandemic

FEVERISH ONCE MORE

That medical catastrophe The flu pandemic

FEVERISH YET AGAIN

That medical catastrophe The flu pandemic

FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER

For my poor deluded father

FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS

Plastic surgeons have the expertise

GEE PEE

An embarrassed young man visited his GP As he had a problem when he went to pee The man explained when he went to tinkle

GEE PEE

An embarrassed young man visited his GP As he had a problem when he went to pee The man explained when he went to tinkle That he tended in fact to rather sprinkle

GENETIC MARKERS

Scientists say they have discovered

GET A GRIP

It was when I was at the hospital today

GIVE ME A RIGOROUS EXAM

Give me a rigorous exam Oh won’t you please nurse Pam

GOOD HEALTH WARNING

In regard to the state of good health The fact that you cannot deny

HAVING A STROKE

A woman arrived on the ward To visit her husband one day

HE'S A NUTTER

My dad told me that I'm daft So I just hysterically laughed I think then I must be going mad Not really a lot, no just a tad I must be going a little potty Even eccentric or maybe dotty

HEALTH AND WELFARE

MEDICAL TRAINING Even a Native American medicine man Or a witch-doctoring quack cannot tell which way the train went Just by looking at the track ONE OF YOU IS MAD You write every week

HEALTH AND WELFARE

CHECK WITH THE DOC Bimbette went to the doctors To talk about her pregnancy Doc asked, “Have you had a check up?” She said, “No he was polish actually” DOCTOR LARDY

HEALTH AND WELFARE 2

MODERN MALAISE Do you fell run down? Tired and irritable? Well I do so sod off Because I’m unstable WHATS UP DOC A medical Journal, said apparently That nine out of ten doctors agree

HEALTH CLUB WARNING

I joined a health club last year It cost two hundred pounds so quite dear I haven’t lost a single pound So as an investment not very sound But it wasn’t their fault to be fare

HEALTH WARNING

How can they say smoking is bad for you?

HEALTHIER LIFE

The recipe for a healthier life Is to be a regular exerciser

HELP LINE

I phoned the incontinence help line today

HELP LINE # 2

I phoned the incontinence help line today

HELP LINE # 3

I phoned the incontinence help line today

HIT FOR SIX

A man went to see Doctor Crum "I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum." "How's that?" "Don't you start"

HOSPITAL CANTEEN

I’m sat in the hospital canteen Where all of life can be seen I look at people around me

HOSPITAL DUDE

The coolest dude at the hospital

HOSPITAL DUDE

The coolest dude at the hospital

HOUSE CALL

“How long have you been bedridden?”

I DO MENTAL ARITHMETIC

I do mental arithmetic

I DON’T BOTHER WITH FLU JABS

Its flu jab season again But I always give them a pass

I GIVE UP

Yes I really gave up smoking over a year ago To do it I borrowed a book from a man I know It consisted of a mixture of positive thinking Psychobabble and even confidence reinforcing

I HAVE A PROBLEM DOCTOR

When you go to see your local practice doctor A “jack of all trades” or general practitioner And it’s not obvious what it is that’s ailing you The doctor will plump for a new stain of flu

I HAVE A VERY POLITE DOCTOR

I have a very polite doctor,

I NEED HELP

I need to get some help But they won’t let me in I’m going off the rails again But they won’t let me in I need to get some therapy But they won’t let me in My medication has run out

I WANTED TO DONATE SPERM

I wanted to donate sperm But there was a difficulty

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 1

I was once a medical student

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 2

I was once a medical student

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 3

I was once a medical student

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 4

I was once a medical student

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 5

I was once a medical student
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I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 6

I was once a medical student

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 7

I was once a medical student

I WENT AWAY TO A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

I went away to a third world country in secret

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 7

I went into hospital for minor surgery
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IBS

“You have an irritable bowel” My doctor told me today

IF I REALLY HAVE TO GO

If I really have to go, as they say that I must Into the keeping of God, my soul I’ll trust If I really have to go, I won’t mind so much Accompanied by angels, God’s hand I’ll touch

IF THE ADVICE FOR A MAN WHO HAS LOST

If the advice for a man who has lost

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

Whenever my wife fills in a form for me

INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG

Inoculations are a drag

INSOMNIA MANIA

There are many things that keep me awake in my bed at night And I will often toss and turn until the dawn's first light I am plagued with Persistent nagging thoughts from within For instance who put the Alphabet in the order that it's in?

INTERNAL QUERY

Tell me ladies please tell me this It’s a question that’s left me stressed

IS IT URGENT?

I awake unwell with swollen glands With fevered brow and sweaty hands I shake and shiver and cough and sneeze I sweat and flush and choke and wheeze

IS IT URGENT?

I awake unwell with swollen glands With fevered brow and sweaty hands I shake and shiver and cough and sneeze

IT CAN’T BE

No matter how bad it is when they tell you You never quite believe it’s true No matter the stories that are told to you You never quite believe they’re true

IT'S A MAD WORLD

It takes neurotics To build castles in the air But it takes psychotics To live in them there

IT’S THE WRONG WAY ROUND

Plastic surgeons think themselves Gods As they try to turn back the clock

I’M A FREE AGENT ONCE AGAIN

I’m a free agent once again

JOLLY

To be politically correct

KEEP FAT # 1

My wife keeps telling me I must get fit you see

KEEP FAT # 2

I’ve just seen myself in the mirror And it’s clear I need to get thinner

KILLER PILL

I was given from the dispensary After my surgery

LAUGH YOURSELF FIT

It is said to keep you fit and well Laughter is the best medicine Unless of course you are a diabetic Then the best thing is insulin

LAZARUS PILL # 1

There is a pill that I have to take

LAZARUS PILL # 2

I have pills to slow me down

LIFESTYLE CHOICE

The experts tell us, Which makes me a little uneasy We are what we eat So I’m fast cheap and easy

LITERARY DOCTORATE

“Oh doctor, doctor You must help me

LONG LIFE

“What is the secret of your longevity?”

LONGER

I don’t smoke any longer Of long life I'm fonder Will it help I wonder To make me any stronger And make me live longer Or make it seem longer

MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 1

I've noticed that there is a fine line Between genius and insanity

MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 2

I've learned that I don't suffer From insanity, I enjoy it

MEDICAL MATTERS

MIND AND BODY – BROKEN BODY How cruel What callous vindictiveness So unutterably spiteful Perpetrated by the Supreme Being? Part of some master plan Or predestined by the fates

MEDICAL MIRACLE

I’ve avoided most diseases Nature has deployed

MEDICAL PRACTICE

I refuse to go to the local doctors,

MEDICAL TRAINING

Even a Native American medicine man Or a witch-doctoring quack Cannot tell which way the train went Just by looking at the track

MIND AND BODY – BROKEN BODY

How cruel What callous vindictiveness So unutterably spiteful Perpetrated by the Supreme Being? Part of some master plan Or predestined by the fates The roll of a dice It’s unimportant who

MIND AND BODY – BROKEN MIND

When does it start? And how Does someone flick a switch? Is it like that? There must be a beginning Everything begins This must begin with a cell Just one dieing Then another Cell by cell

MODERN MALAISE

Do you fell run down? Tired and irritable?

MY ACUPUNCTURIST ATTACKED ME

My acupuncturist attacked me When she proper lost her temper She stabbed me with a needle But you know, I’ve never felt better

MY DEAR ELDERLY MOTHER

My dear elderly mother

MY DEAR OLD MOTHER

My dear old mother Recently passed away

MY DECISION TO BECOME A DOCTOR

My decision to become a doctor Even though it helped me burgeon

MY DOCTOR IS A LOCUM

My doctor is a Locum Who replaced Dr Slocombe

MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE

My doctor said I’m borderline obese

MY DOCTOR SAYS

My doctor says I have been in continent,

MY FATHER WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN

My Father was trying to explain

MY SONS ADHD MEDICINE

My sons ADHD medicine Is in liquid form

MY UNCLE MICHAEL

My Uncle Michael

MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET

My wife has put me on a very strict diet

NEW RESOLVE

My New Year resolution Was to find a solution

NHS CUT BACKS # 1

The NHS has plans to save money

NHS CUT BACKS # 10

The NHS has plans to save money Which may leave the institution blighted

NHS CUT BACKS # 2

The NHS has plans to save money

NHS CUT BACKS # 3

The NHS has plans to save money

NHS CUT BACKS # 4

The NHS has plans to save money Which ENT consultants won’t follow

NHS CUT BACKS # 5

The NHS has plans to save money

NHS CUT BACKS # 6

The NHS has plans to save money

NHS CUT BACKS # 7

The NHS has plans to save money

NHS CUT BACKS # 8

The NHS has plans to save money

NHS CUT BACKS # 9

The NHS has plans to save money But it is unclear who will oppose the plans

NIP AND TUCK

Some people seek perfection Something’s offend their vanity Which leads them to decide On bouts of cosmetic surgery Breast enlargements, tummy tucks Rhinoplasti implants and grafts

NIP IT IN THE BUD

I saved up for ages and I was going to have a face-lift I was going to treat myself it was to be a sort of gift It was when the day drew close doubts grew to suffice

NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED

Now I’ve had my sight restored Thanks to the surgeons prescision

NOT A FOREIGN INVADER

Not a foreign invader But an alien being

ON HIS DEATHBED

Sebastian seriously ill lay dying His wife, Vicky, by his side crying

ON THE WARD FOR UNWELL BOYS

On the ward for unwell boys There were a selection of toys

ON THEIR OBESECYCLE

On their obesecycle They have to scurry

ONE OF YOU IS MAD

You write every week To your Mother in Leek Even though she writes you Every day or two From the Isle of Wight Asking why you never write

PATIENTS RIGHTS

A patient asked “nurse, why did you stop My visitors coming to see me?”

PILL POPPER # 1

Red and yellow and Pink and Green

PILL POPPER # 2

I have to take so many pills

POLISH EYE TEST

A Polish man went to the optician He’d not had an eye test before

POOR SAM

Sam went to the Doctors With every ache and pain And with every sniff and sniffle He would go again and again If he had a simple heat rash He thought he had meningitis

PROBLEM DOCTOR

Doctor! Doctor! I have a terrible problem I say things but then cant remember them That is a problem when did it first happen? I’m sorry doctor what problem is that then?

RAPPED

A man was sent to see a Psychiatrist For an appointment he could not miss When the doctor saw the poor chap He was dressed only in plastic shrink wrap The Doctor said, with no ifs or buts

RCN HYMN

From the wards of emphysema To the floors of maternity

REGULAR HABITS

I pee every morning at 6 am. Like the proverbial racehorse

SANITY CONVERSING

People doubt your sanity They won’t take any chances

SANITY QUESTION

People began to question Your sanity on the day

SELF ANALYSIS

Are you clinically obese?

SELF-MEDICATING

There is a pill, that I take a lot I take it when I don’t feel so hot

SHE BLUSHED TO HER ROOTS

She blushed to her roots When he gave his diagnosis

SHE PHONED FROM THE SPERM BANK

She phoned from the sperm bank
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SHE SAID SHE WAS A BUSH DOCTOR

I completely misunderstood
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SHOCKING

Anaphylactic shock is a severe allergic reaction to something such as a Bee sting or maybe eating peanuts or shellfish.

SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS

When I was on an Alaskan island

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

I lie awake in the wee small hours Unable to just drift away

SLEEPLESS

How awful is insomnia? I can only imagine

SMOKERS ANONYMOUS

Members of Smokers anonymous Will sniff at the clothes of fellows

SMOKERS RULES

A smoker is always attracted to the non-smoking section Due largely to any one of the following eventualities

SMOKING ISN’T BAD FOR YOU

Smoking isn’t bad for you
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SMOKING KILLS

Smoking kills

SORE POINT

One of the guys was off sick yesterday He had a sore throat well that’s what he says But he was seen in a pub trying to cure it By pouring pints of lager down it

SUNFLOWER

In an attempt to change my life style I became a vegetarian, well for a while But for me it didn't suit, and wasn't right Because I kept leaning towards sunlight

SUPPORT GROUP - LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you suffer from Low Self Esteem?

SUPPORT GROUP – WEIGHT PROBLEMS

Do you suffer from a weight problem?

TAKAWAY BLUES

Last weekend my dad tried A new Indian takeaway

TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS

I’ve just got back from Spain Where I was taken queer

TESTING IDEA

I think animal testing is a terrible idea In fact it’s a concept rather queer They get all nervous in their own way And give the wrong answers anyway

THANK YOU DOCTOR

The simple art of medicine Consists simply of this to begin Just keep the patients amused Blinded with science and confused This will keep them at their ease While Nature cures the disease

THE ANNUAL AFFLICTION

They make my eyes itch They make me sneeze

THE ART OF MODERN MEDICINE

The art of modern medicine

THE BLACK DOG

For years I have suffered At the hands of depression I’m not alone in my suffering

THE BUDDHIST AT THE DENTIST

The Buddhist monk

THE CANDY MAN

He has had a very sweet tooth all of his life

THE COMPANY WHO SUPPLIED

The company who supplied

THE DENTISTS CHAIR

In the dentists chair I lie I am not brave I think Ill cry He turns to me my tooth to fill

THE EBOLA CRISIS IS CAUSING CONCERN

The Ebola crisis is causing concern

THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

The Emergency Room doctor said

THE LIMITATIONS OF MODERN MEDICINE

My friend said I should take my husband

THE MAN-O-GRAM

I left the county hospital

THE OBESITY TIME BOMB

The media keep talking about

THE SLIMMER OF THE YEAR

The Slimmer of the year

THE TROUBLE WITH FLIES

Flies spread many diseases

THE UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL

I have always had lead in my pencil I was always known to be quite “furtil” With six kids already I’m at the stage As my wife and I reach middle age To take drastic action don’t you see?

THE UPSIDE OF BEING CLINICALLY OBESE

The upside of being clinically obese

TRANSFUSION CONFUSION

Scientists have completed a study And transfusions of Chicken blood

USEFUL

Last year at a biology convention A researcher was heard to mention “We don’t use lab rats anymore” You could have heard a pin hit the floor “We use “Wannabees” now instead”

VERY POOR RECEPTION

An elderly man entered the surgery And approached the receptionist

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?

I’ve always been paranoid

WHAT?

WHAT? What darkness Leads a tortured soul To break the bonds Which hold us

WHATS UP DOC

A medical Journal, said apparently That nine out of ten doctors agree

WHATS UP DOC?

Tell me why Does your gynecologist

WHEN I SAW MY WIFE’S BOTOX BILL

When I saw my wife’s Botox bill

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 1

When my girlfriend suggested We play hospitals

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 2

When my girlfriend suggested We play hospitals

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 3

When my girlfriend suggested We play Doctors and Nurses

WHY WHY WHY?

A girl goes to the doctor in some distress What’s the problem or do I have to guess? I keep singing the green, green grass of home That sounds to me like Tom Jones syndrome

WIND

Now trapped wind can be A problem apparently A thing to overcome And a real worry to some While not endangering It does cause suffering But keep it in they ought Despite any discomfort

WOW GRAN

A teenage boy walks in the room And asks his granny "Have you seen my pills?

WRINKLE FREE

I have discovered a great way To get wrinkle free skin

HE DIALED 999

He dialed 999 and said

GYNAECOLOGICAL SCARE

My older sister managed

I SURVIVED TESTICULAR CANCER

I survived testicular cancer, but when

TO HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD

I believe it’s quite normal To have voices in my head

ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 1

Are you wearing a Pink?

HE WAS HARD AS NAILS

He was hard as nails, And the man terrified me

BEING IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION

Being in the medical profession

ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK CAN STRIKE

Anaphylactic shock can strike