HOLIDAY TALES

A collection of stories and poems relating to holidays

18-30 HOLS

I love the 18-30 hols Making out with the foreign dolls

A BUTTERFLY FLUTTERS BY

Butterflies flutter by On a balmy summer afternoon

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A TOURIST

Breakfast on the waterfront Al fresco in the morning air Eleven-ish in the Medusa bar An ice cream perhaps to share Walking the beach together Playing and having fun Then head for Agia Marina

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (1)

My dad told me "Susan's going to America To the largest state in the union"

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (2)

My dad told me “Susan’s going to the West Indies you know”

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (5)

I’m from a big Family And my dad said to me

ARE YOU WEARING A KNITTED SWIMSUIT?

Are you wearing a knitted swimsuit? Well I know there’s a recession on

ARE YOU WEARING A MANKINI?

Are you wearing a mankini?

ARE YOU WEARING A SOMBRERO?

Are you wearing a sombrero? Have you been somewhere in the sun?

ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN AGAIN?

Are you wearing a sporran again?

ARE YOU WEARING FAKE TAN?

Are you wearing fake tan?

ARE YOU WEARING SUNNIES?

Are you wearing sunnie’s? Oh dear you do look funny

BACK FROM PORT OF SPAIN

I have just come back from

BATHING DRESS

When the bikini replaced the bathing suit

BATSI

It was early in the Month of June I knew my trip Would end to soon In Batsi town On Andros isle I came to rest And stayed a while The northern isle In the Cyclades With sun and sand

BEACH ETIQUETTE

A naked man sunbathing at the beach In order to preserve his dignity

BEASTS IN THE MIST

They gather in the full moons light On lonely roads at dead of night With shinning eyes that pierce the mists They prey on passing motorists

BOURNEMOUTH

Go to Bournemouth for rheumatism

BRITISH GIRLS ABROAD

British girls abroad Fake tanned

BRITISH LADS ABROAD

British lads abroad On the pull

DO YOU LIKE PICNICS?

Do you like picnics? There’s one on Sunday

DON’T GO IN THE WATER

I don’t like swimming in the sea I don’t care what you say it’s not for me

HOLIDAY HIGHLIGHT

I was on a family holiday in Dubrovnik in the late eighties at a time when it was still part of old republic of Yugoslavia. It was not the best holiday I've ever had in fact it was awful caused by a combination of foul weather, the worst summer for four decades we were reliably informed

I LIVE IN A SMALL WINDMILL

I live in a small windmill I’ve never lived in one before

I LOVE IT AT THE SEASIDE

I love it at the seaside out of season When the bathers are not there

I LOVE IT AT THE SEASIDE

I love it at the seaside out of season When the bathers are not there The beaches are no longer sun kissed

I WENT TO THE UKRAINE

I went to the Ukraine

I WISH TO COMPLAIN

“I wish to complain” the woman growled The manager said “How can I help you”?

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT AT THE SEASIDE

I've always loved it at the seaside But I don’t like dirty postcards

INN TROUBLE

A mate of mine, and his new wife Stayed in a hotel in the town of Fife Just for one night with time to kill And he got a two hundred pound Bill "Two hundred pounds? For what?"

I’D LOVE A SECOND HONEYMOON

“I’d love a second honeymoon”

I’M READY FOR A HOLIDAY

I’m ready for a holiday

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1

I’m thinking about taking a holiday But I don’t know where to go

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 2

I’m thinking about taking a holiday But I don’t know where to go

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 3

I’m thinking about taking a holiday But I don’t know where to go

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 4

I’m thinking about taking a holiday But I don’t know where to go

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 5

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 6

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

JANE AND I

“I’ve been to Wales with Jane” I was told by my friend

KENTISH HOLIDAY

My mum’s family were born and bred in Bermondsey, East London at a time when poor really meant poor and there was no welfare state safety net. In...

LOOSE MORALS # 1

She was without her knickers at Twickers

LOOSE MORALS # 2

She showed all her bits in Biarritz

LOOSE MORALS # 3

There was some show n tell at the hotel

LOOSE MORALS # 4

She made women chatter at the regatta

LUSTFUL INTENT

It was a warm summer’s night in the 1974 and we were alone in a tent together when all at once the flaps flew open. The tent flaps that is and not hers.

MISUNDERSTAND INN

Being a Christian man, Of high moral standing

MY NEW NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR

My new next door neighbour,

ON HOLIDAY IN THE WEST COUNTRY

On holiday in the West Country,

OPEN TOUR

Why do they call it The tourist season

POUND STRETCHER

I remember one of the airlines had once A promotion that never got off the ground

SEND ONE BAG TO TOKYO

A passenger said “Send one bag to Tokyo And the other to Paris, is that clear?”

SHORT HOLIDAY

When certain families Go on their holidays

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 1

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 2

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 3

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable

SUMMER GIRLS

Summer girls Glistening with suntan oils

TANGO’D

It is possible to have Too much of a good thing

THE ABERGELE ROADS

Approaching dusk we walk slowly by the shore line The waves lapping at the sand break gently

THE NORTHEY ISLAND INCIDENT

It was the summer of seventy-one, or was it seventy two? "Chirpy, chirpy, cheap, cheap, was top of the pops at the time; no matter it was one or the other. Which ever it was it was when the 6th Stevenage Scout Troup set off in a beat up white Ford Transit heading for the wilds of Essex.

UP AND OVER

Nudists whilst staying in the camp

VENTURA HOLIDAY

A Christmas cruise in the Caribbean

WE COULD SEE A GROUP OF HIPPIES

We could see a group of hippies drowning

WE NEEDED A FAMILY HOLIDAY

We needed a family holiday

WE WERE SHOPPING FOR HOLIDAY CLOTHES

We were shopping for holiday clothes And we were very nearly done

WHAT A WEEK

We went to the lakes For a weeks holiday It only rained twice While we were away Once for six days And once for a day

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 1

We went on holiday to Goa in India

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 11

The golden beach was outside the hotel

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 12

The beach was right outside the hotel
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WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 2

We went on holiday to Spain

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 3

We went on holiday to Spain

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 4

We went to Spain on Holiday But we didn’t like it a bit The local supermarket Didn’t even sell a proper biscuit

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 5

We flew to the West Indies

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 6

“No hairdressers at the resort”

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 7

When we were in Spain there

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 8

We had to line up outside

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 3

Topless sunbathing on the beach

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 5

We requested a twin bed room

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 6

We went all-inclusive and booked

WHY CAN'T YOU RUN THROUGH A CAMP?

Why can't you run through a camp?

THE CHINESE DON’T WANT VISITORS TO KNOW

The Chinese don’t want visitors to know

ARE YOU WEARING PEDAL PUSHERS?

Are you wearing pedal pushers?

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (6)

At a get together with Family My widowed father told me
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A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (8)

Dad said “I’m going to Thailand”

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (7)

He said “I was asked by my daughter,

THEY MADE A CLEAN GETAWAY

They made a clean getaway

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (9)

Dad said “I’m going to Thailand

MIDDLE AGED HOLIDAY

I knew I had reached Middle age

LIVING ON THE ISLE OF WIGHT

For many, life isn’t very bright