JUST FOR LAUGHS

 

A CLOWN AT DINNER

To entertain the natives sent A clown once to a jungle went Natives entertained were not And put him in the cooking pot The clown is now well cooked And very appetizing looked

A GAGGLE

IS TODAY YOUR DAY? I can only please one person a day Today is not going to go your way Nor tomorrow I would have to say OH LOOK A FLY As I drove one day, I saw a fly

A MAJOR FIRE CAUSED PANIC

A major fire caused panic

A QUESTIONING MIND

TELL ME LOVIE If all the world is a stage As they say Where is the audience sitting? Tell me pray? WHY ALBERT Why did Albert Schweitzer die? Or why Albert Einstein passed by

AMONG ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN

Among abominable snowmen

ANOTHER GAGGLE

THE SLIPPERY POLE Don’t make yourself essential Don’t show your full potential Never ever be irreplaceable Or much worse be indispensable For If they cannot replace you

ARE YOU WEARING A CHEST WIG?

Are you wearing a chest wig?

ARE YOU WEARING A COCKED HAT?

Are you wearing a cocked hat?

ARE YOU WEARING A DUNCE’S CAP?

Are you wearing a dunce’s cap?

ARE YOU WEARING A FASCINATOR?

Are you wearing a fascinator?

ARE YOU WEARING A HAIR PIECE?

Are you wearing a hair piece?

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DIFFIDENCE?

Are you wearing a look of diffidence?

ARE YOU WEARING A MERKIN?

Are you wearing a merkin?

ARE YOU WEARING A PITH HELMET

Are you wearing a pith helmet?

ARE YOU WEARING A PUSH UP BRA?

Are you wearing a push up bra?

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHAPEAU?

Are you wearing a red chapeau?

ARE YOU WEARING A SINGLE FAKE EYELASH?

Are you wearing a single fake eyelash?

ARE YOU WEARING A STRAPLESS BRA?

Are you wearing a strapless bra?

ARE YOU WEARING AN ANKLE BRACELET?

Are you wearing an ankle bracelet?

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY TROUSERS?

Are you wearing baggy trousers? For any particular reason

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?

Are you wearing black gloves?

ARE YOU WEARING CONTACTS?

Are you wearing contacts?

ARE YOU WEARING CRUSHED VELVET?

Are you wearing crushed velvet?

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE TOILETTE?

Are you wearing eau de toilette?

ARE YOU WEARING ERMINE?

Are you wearing Ermine?

ARE YOU WEARING FLIP FLOPS?

Are you wearing flip flops?

ARE YOU WEARING GUMBOOTS?

Are you wearing gumboots?

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A LAUGH?

Are you wearing it for a laugh?

ARE YOU WEARING LEDERHOSEN?

Are you wearing lederhosen?

ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 3

Are you wearing leg warmers?

ARE YOU WEARING LINCOLN GREEN?

Are you wearing Lincoln green?

ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER?

Are you wearing patent leather?

ARE YOU WEARING POP SOCKS?

Are you wearing pop socks?

ARE YOU WEARING SOME PROTECTION?

Are you wearing some protection?

ARE YOU WEARING SPANX?

Are you wearing spanx?
1 likes

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FACE FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that face for a bet? Cheer up lets have a ball

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that for a bet?

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A GIGGLE?

Are you wearing that for a giggle?

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A LAUGH?

Are you wearing that for a laugh?

ARE YOU WEARING WINKLE PICKERS?

Are you wearing winkle pickers?

AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY

At a fancy dress party, my mate

BITS AND BOBS

KEEPING ABREAST If a fraction of the effort that went into Research of women’s breasts and their bras Had instead gone into exploration Of space, the galaxy and the stars

BURNING ALL HER BILLS

My next-door neighbour

CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY

In the event that your nose runs

DAVY JONES DISCO

If you go to a seafood disco

DISPLAY CAUTION

We keep a picture of Auntie Grace On the shelf above the fire place Health and safety is our only desire As it keeps the kids away from the fire

DOPEY BROTHER

My brother has a really bad habit

DREADLOCKS AND YOU’RE WHITE

Dreadlocks and you’re white

EYE CANDY

If you are the type of woman Who abhors being ogled by men Then just remember this adage When your next ogled by men It's far better to be looked over Than overlooked - so think again

FAMILY TIES

OH MY HEAD If you're struck by a tension headache Perhaps bought on by living with men Or more likely it's the kids misbehaving That forced you to count up to ten If your temples are starting to throb

FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE AGAIN

English is a funny language some would say it's quite bizarre Words can be masculine and feminine confusing what they are The Feminine of Vulnerable is Fully opening up one's self to all While the masculine is not wearing a box when Playing football

FUNNY STUFF # 1

INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY The information you have is not what you want The information you want is not what you require The information you require is not what you can get The information you can get costs more than you desire

FUNNY STUFF # 2

HOSTILE WITNESS "You appear to have more than Average intelligence for a man Of your background and career The Lawyer spoke with a sneer To the poor witness on the stand Who was unhappy you understand

FUNNY STUFF # 3

HAIR TODAY Im losing my hair so fast now It's vanishing without a trace I noticed it because everyday It takes longer to wash my face ONE FOR THE POT Two missionaries are cooking in a pot

FUNNY STUFF # 4

MANY A SLIP I don't drink too much Maybe a glass when I dine But I don't drink much Because I spill most of mine GO RYAN Flying no frills airlines on the cheap With no food served or space to sleep

FUNNY STUFF # 5

BATHROOM FUN In the bathroom in my house Watching my wife is a farce She can't brush here teeth Without wiggling her arse BAD SCHOOL DAY When I was at school When I was just a lad What was embarrassing

FUNNY STUFF # 6

CHANGE YOUR WAYS My big brother Jonathon was told When he was forty-one years old That he must change in every way And take some exercise every day He was warned he had to change And his priorities he must rearrange

GO WAYNE

“Wayne, go to the paper shop”

HEALING HANDS

Jesus cured all the sick and the lame

HOME SPUN

James was sort of a homely soul Who was happy in his own company Apart from work and shopping trips He happily stayed at home you see Some would think him an agoraphobe

I CAN'T STAND HIM

"You look like Donald Sutherland She told me at the cocktail party I was extremely flattered by this Even though she was quite tarty Being compared to a famous star Left me with a warm feeling inside

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE SIZE OF MY WATER BILL

I can’t believe the size of my water bill

I DON’T WALK WITH THE CROWD

I don’t walk with the crowd and

I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS

I got caught taking a piss

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN INTO THE OCCULT

I have always been into the occult

I WILL DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN

I will differentiate between, if I can,

I WOULD LIKE TO SHATTER A POPULAR MYTH

I would like to shatter a popular myth
1 likes
Cherry

I'VE SWALLOWED SOME

I've swallowed some of my

IF YOU SEE A BOMB DISPOSAL MAN

If you see a bomb disposal man

IT'S AMAZING GRACE

A mortician was working late one night His job was to check that all was right He examine the dead bodies unhurried Before they went to be cremated or buried As he examined Mr. Schwartz's body

IT’S A FUNNY WORLD

BERRY, BERRY The doctor scratches his head And is almost struck dumb Why does his patient have A strawberry stuck up his bum The only answer is On a strawberry he must have sat

JUST A SLICE OF LIFE # 1

A LITTLE OFF THE TOP On my last visit to the hair dresser I was asked “Something for the weekend sir”? Well I was taken aback without a doubt I replied “Do you have any tiling grout”?

JUST A SLICE OF LIFE # 2

WHAT WERE YOU DOING? People of a certain generation Older than baby boomers anyway Know exactly what they were doing The day Oswald assassinated JFK I have no inkling what I was doing

LiFE'S A JOKE

HOW OLD? "How old are you next birthday dad? "I will be forty eight I told the lad "Do you have liver spots? "No I don't Ben "Have you had your midlife crisis then?

LIGHT ON HIS FETE

My brother is dyslexic,

LOST WALK

Two hydrogen atoms were walking along One said, 'I think I've lost an electron.'

MAD DOG’S AND ENGLISHMEN

I simply feel so superior To every European person As I don’t eat cheese at breakfast Or put marmalade on bacon It’s great not being Foreign all the same As my country rarely

MOTHERS PRIDE

One day Four ladies were having coffee together Discussing how important their children were "My son is a priest, said the first proud mother "When he enters a room they all call him 'Father'."

MR.WHIPPY R.I.P.

An ice cream man has been found dead Lying on the floor beneath a shelf Covered with hundreds and thousands Police say he may have topped himself

MY DAD WASN’T A VERY GOOD PIRATE

My dad wasn’t a very good pirate

MY FRIEND RAVED TO ME

My friend raved to me

MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR IS FAT AND BALD

My next door neighbour is fat and bald

NAME CALLING # 1

Calling her a dog

NAME CALLING # 2

I didn’t call her a dog

NOBEL PRIZE’S

They give Nobel Prize’s for anything now

NOT PAYING ATTENSION

I was only half listening to the radio So I’m not sure if I heard right

OH MY GOD

After a good night out And I've had a drink or two I've never been to bed And I've bedded a few With an ugly woman Not even one or two But I can tell you this I've woken up with a few

OLD GEEZER FOR SALE

50 year old,

PERSONAL ADS

Some Ads in the Personals Can be really quite deceptive And the reader is more often Required to be perceptive

PRIMITIVE MAN

A man had lived in a primitive land without a friend Living with only himself upon who he could depend Until an explorer found him he’d spent his whole life

PUZZLED

You are 13 down And always 2 across You are never 1 down And sadly not 19 across You are six letters Starting with a T You are coffee time And an acrostic too As well as cryptic

QUITE AMUZING

AOG Something bothers me In an insurance policy Can some atheist sod Claim for acts of god WHAT AN IDEA The stealing of ideas from one Is plagiarizing

RAMBLING

I met a guy from the ramblers today

RUDELY AWAKENED

I leapt up out of bed, And I opened the door

RUPERT THE DANGEROUS

The most dangerous thing For some poor infantry sap And the most likely thing To cause a grave mishap The most dangerous thing Is some chinless officer chap Most dangerous of all In a war zone with a map

SALAD DODGERS

When the slot machines

SIMPLY AMUSING

DON’T LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE In my long experience of a life lived well And its in Self indulgence in what I excel A conscience is the thing that hurts you so

SIMPLY AMUSING part 10

SHHH No matter how absurd It may be when it’s heard People will believe it When you whisper it LETS FACE IT Some days you’ll find You’re the dog you see While on other days

SIMPLY AMUSING part 2

DOUBLE YOUR MONEY The quickest way to double Your money lets not forget Is to fold it in half and then Put it back in your pocket NEVER DO TODAY You have decided To procrastinate

SIMPLY AMUSING part 3

DON’T PANIC There's no panic quite so reel Like panic you momentarily feel Scaring yourself by getting A body part stuck in something ON THE TREAD MILL

SIMPLY AMUSING part 4

UFO’s UFO’s are real unless My guess is missed Its the Royal Air Force That doesn't really exist NUMBERS GAME If seventy five percent of all Accidents happen or befall

SIMPLY AMUSING part 5

IN ATTENDANCE The only reason so many people Were at the mans funeral, It’s said Was that they wanted to be sure The insufferable man was dead NAUGHTY BUT NICE

SIMPLY AMUSING part 6

PICK A POCKET ANY POCKET Last winter it was just about as cold as it can get And I saw a “dipper” stood outside the launderette It was so cold you wouldn’t even go out for cigarettes

SIMPLY AMUSING part 7

SCIENCE’S If it is green or it squirms it’s Biology If it smells or burns then its Chemistry If it doesn't work it’s a Physics theory A LOVE GAME The game of love

SIMPLY AMUSING part 8

TRUE LOVE Love is in truth Merely the delusion That one woman differs From another in conclusion WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE? The wise man and the fool Are hand in glove

SIMPLY AMUSING part 9

FREE I'd rather have a free Bottle in front of me Than a prefrontal lobotomy BETTER LATE THAN NEVER She's always turns up late It’s seems to be a family trait

SLEEPLESS NIGHT

I lay in bed quite restless In a measure of distress

SOME PEOPLE NEED TO EXTRACT

Some people need to extract

STAN THE MAN

Now my little mate Stan Casts no shadow on the floor While I'm a well made man Of eighteen stone or more And my little mate Stan Stands only five foot four While I'm a very tall man And hit my head on the door

SUPER HEROES COME

Super heroes come In all shapes and forms

SWISS MISS

I hate Swiss army knives with a passion All the more as there all the fashion Even though they appear to be useful I really can't help feeling resentful Despite all the craftsmanship it brings And it being useful for a variety things

THE BORDER AGENCY ARE STRUGGLING

The border agency are struggling

THE CHURCH LADIES

The Church ladies have cast off clothing

THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF

The devil landed on the church roof

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAMERA

The difference between a camera

THE EXORCIST

There is a ghost in my house A poltergeist in nature

THE GENIE

Walking along the beach together one day Were an Englishman from Yorkshire way

THE GRIM REAPER CAME FOR ME LAST NIGHT

The Grim Reaper came for me last night

THE MOST POPULAR NUDISTS

The most popular man in a nudist colony

THE PRICE OF BEAUTY PRODUCTS

The price of beauty products

THE RIGHT QUESTION

“You probably get this quite a lot I expect,

THE WIDOW’S MITE

The Vicar’s sermon Frank and forthright

THERE’S AN ARMY SURPLUS STORE ACROSS THE STREET

There’s an Army surplus store across the street

TIGER TIGER

In their gentlemen's club, two old soldiers Are reliving past exploits over whisky sodas "It was in northern India back in thirty-two We were hunting up country to bag a few We came to a clearing and to my surprise

TRAGIC CARPET RIDE

An entrepreneurial friend Sells exploding prayer mats

TUNNEL OF SELF LOVE

When a narcissists riding of

TWO WAY FAMILY FAVOURITES

My wife isn't very keen on a 69 If I suggest it she turns me down flat What she really prefers is a 99 Because you get a flake with that

VERY HAPPY HOUR

A man walked into a pub one Saturday night He went to the bar and ordered a pint of light "Certainly, Sir, that will cost you ten pence" "Ten pence? For a pint that makes no sense" The man exclaimed delightedly to the barman

WAITING FOR SANITY

You question your own sanity When you're asked by a waiter And you go into another room To give him your order You tell him its because Of one of your darkest fears You won't do it at the table

WE CAN MAKE LOVE

“We can make love” she said
1 likes

WHERE’S THE BLOODY TORCH

“Where’s the bloody Torch?” My wife asked angrily

YOU’LL LIKE THIS

My uncle Henry is a magician And he’s also an undertaker

POPPERS

They said they had poppers at the party

THE END OF THE WORLD IS NOT A JOKE

The end of the world is not a joke

MY FRIENDS CALL ME SNAKE HIPS

My friends call me snake hips

THE AMAZON BASIN

I was surprised to find

INPROPPER JOKES

You can always spot when a risky joke is coming

NO ONE WOULD SIT NEXT TO THE MUSHROOM

No one would sit next to the mushroom

MY WIFE WAS INVITED TO GO

My wife was invited to go

I HAVE AN UNUSUAL PHOBIA

I have an unusual phobia

WHEN THE UMBRELLA

When the umbrella

A GIRL SAID SHE RECOGNIZED ME

A girl said she recognized me