LIFE INSPIRED

 

A HINT OF MINT

On your breath There is the smell of peppermint

A LITTLE WORD # 1

While some use it liberally Others hardly ever say it

A LITTLE WORD # 2

While some use it liberally Others hardly ever say it

A NOTIONAL MOTION

Toast always lands butter side down It’s a rule of locomotion And a cat always lands on its feet

A POUND OFF IF WERE LATE

Why is it do you suppose That in this modern age We have now finally reached The sorry stage That almost any fast food or Pizza delivery man Gets to your home quicker

A STRANGER IN A STRANGE TOWN

I walk down unfamiliar streets Exploring, searching I came upon a market square Full of hubbub Stall holders calling out their wares Amidst the background noise of chatter

A STRANGER THAT I KNOW

I approached a stranger, a woman Though not a stranger, some how familiar In some way, In her pale eyes I saw what? Recognition? There was something but what

A TIME OF MIRACLES

The cynics say of miracles That they are a scarce commodity,

A WISH FOR ALICE

I stood in a strange village Or rather a village Where I was a stranger Stood in front of a cottage In need of a lick of paint It was the home of my aunt An aunt, not unknown

ACUMEN AND WOMEN

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item But only when it’s something he needs

AGE OLD LIES # 1

Of all the age old lies Which one do we hear most?

ALL ENCOMPASSING

A compass point

ALL THE NICE GIRLS LOVE A SAILOR

When the navy is in town There is mayhem all around

AN ACT OF VANDALISM

Applying a tattoo On a beautiful woman’s skin Is something akin

AN EARLY SIGN OF SUMMER

An early sign of Summer

ANYTHING GOES

The Cole Porter classic “Anything Goes” Is a song everyone knows

ANYTHING GOES

The Cole Porter classic “Anything Goes” Is a song everyone knows

ARE YOU WEARING A BABY DOLL DRESS?

Are you wearing a baby doll dress?

ARE YOU WEARING A FUR COAT?

Are you wearing a fur coat? Well that’s a cause of snickers

ARE YOU WEARING AN ORCHID?

Are you wearing an orchid?

ARE YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES?

Are you wearing sunglasses?

ARE YOU WEARING THIS AND THAT?

Are you wearing this and that?

AT THE SCHOOL GATE

A leafy suburban avenue Nice and quiet as a rule But this peaceful avenue Leads to a junior school Alone or in twos and threes They begin to arrive Up the road in time For home time at three oh five

BIG BONED (an ode to myself)

No you don’t have “big bones”

BLESSED

Blessed are the cracked You may think that not right But the cracked are blessed For its they who let in the light

BREATHLESSLY

Life should never be measured By volume or quantity That is not the way it was intended The only way is by quality It is not the number of breaths we take That measures life from day to day

BROLLEY POLICY

All the most sensible ladies and fellas Will always make sure they have four umbrellas The first of course because they leave it at home always

CAN YOU SPARE A MINUTE?

Four out of five of us I’m afraid

CHARITABLE BEQUEST REQUESTS # 1

The Red Cross are getting greedy

CHARITABLE BEQUEST REQUESTS # 2

Not happy just to pester me in life

CHARITY PLEADERS # 1

Just 3 pounds a month

CHARITY PLEADERS # 2

Just 3 pounds a month

CHOICE

She sat on an eternal shore, silent Calm unexpressive face, still like granite Contemplating her destiny, knowing The path she chooses she must take alone Upon the expected cross roads she came It arrived suddenly, but then not so

COLOR MY WORLD

There are only seven colors in a rainbow There are no other colors of which I know Peach for example, is not a color but a fruit So are Avocado, Pumpkin, and Plum to boot

COMPASSIONLESS

COMPASSIONLESS When he saw the famine victims of Ethiopia He said he felt no sympathy for their plight Flies busy around eyes nose and mouth He said he felt nothing, certainly not contrite

COMPLAINTS TO THE LANDLORD

This is an actual complaint made to a landlord You may doubt it and you may even scoff "I want some repairs done to my cooker As it has backfired and burnt my knob off

CRAYOLA BOX

As I tidy up after the children Gathering together everything I look at my child’s crayons And they set me thinking Some of them are plain And some are pretty, Some of them are fat

CREAM OF SOCIETY

They say they’re the cream of society Their arrogance makes me sick They’re the cream of our society Because they’re rich and thick

CULTURE VULTURE

Isn’t culture wonderful? Music, theatre, poetry Something for everyone To feel or hear or see The performing arts I particularly like poetry Especially poetry readings

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION

I was so unhappy With the service At my local café
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DON’T BRING LULU

In the roaring twenties Lulu was a flapper And was often seen With the soave and the dapper Now if she lived today In the days of the rapper When those who think bling

DON’T THROW IN THE TOWEL

Don’t throw in the towel When times get tough

DREAMER

Try to respect those around you And their plans and schemes Be supportive and encouraging No matter how strange it seems Or how bizarre or fanciful Never laugh at someone's dreams

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 1

Dreams are really very odd Last night I sat up in bed

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 2

Dreams are really very odd Last night my wife sat up and said “Tell Lionel to stop

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 3

Dreams are an odd part of life Last night my considerate wife Woke me from my slumber to declare

DREDGING IS NO SILVER BULLET

Dredging is no silver bullet Is the word coming from their ranks

ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY

Eco friendly products do they pay? That’s what the manufacturers say I have read on the weed killer lids That it won’t kill any of your kids And it won’t kill the family moggy

EVERYONE WANTS TO BE THE STAR

Everyone wants to be the star Of their own life story

EXCUSE MISS

Reading these excuse notes written to schools You would think them maybe written by fools Teachers will view these examples with disgust I.e. Tom was absent because he missed his bust Some are misspelled some are worse moreover

FASHION VICTIMS

There is a new fashion range Launching in the spring

FILTHY RICH

Life can really be

FISCAL TRUTH

If you spend more than you earn

FRIENDS ANONYMOUS

When choosing friends Do so for their character And when choosing clothes Do so for their color But don’t choose clothes For their character Because that’s nonsensical

FROM BEGINNING TO END

From school days To pay days

GENETIC MYSTERY

Our genes are passed on To subsequent generations

GINSTER QUERY

I saw a large woman wearing A sweatshirt, it was a tight fit

GIRL IN THE WINDOW

I queued in the building society Waiting my turn patiently At window number one Sat a blonde tanned by the sun And at window number two A petite brunette was in view

GSI NOT DIY

I don’t do plumbing Carpentry or electrics

HAIR CHOO

I’ve learned a valuable lesson Which almost cost me an ear

HAVE YOU EVER HAD?

Have you ever had? The kind of day

HAVING WON THE WAR

Having won the war we struggled in peace

HE ASKED ME A QUESTION

He asked me a question In the most cryptic of ways

HI, I’M JOHN

“Hi, I’m John” the caller said

HIM AND I

The TV and radio airways are now awash With colloquial accents, no longer posh Scouse and Geordie slang pervade the ears And Brummie talk will bring a man to tears

HOBBIES ARE VERY IMPORTANT

Hobbies are very important

HOORAY HENRYS AND HENRIETTA’S

Hooray Henry's and Henrietta’s Don’t act like our social better’s

HOW MUCH?

For thirty-five years I have paid Via PAYE income taxation

HOW THEY EXPLOIT OUR COMPASSION

How they exploit our compassion With emotional blackmail They paint us

I CAN ONLY GUESS AT

I can only guess at What the future might hold

I CAN'T STAND HIM

"You look like Donald Sutherland” She told me at the cocktail party

I FORGET TO EAT

There was a rather vacuous Skinny girl who irritated me “Sometimes I forget to eat”

I HAVE A LOVELY SON

I have a lovely son He is my number one

I LOOK BACK IN SOBER REFLECTION

I look back in sober reflection

I WAS ALMOST DROWNED

I was almost drowned

I WONT LET IT CHANGE MY LIFE

It will surely change my life On the day I win the lottery People who say it will not are People of whom to be wary It will surely change my life On the day I chose to pick it

IF LIFE IS GETTING YOU DOWN

If life is getting you down And depressing you increasingly Take all of your troubles

IF YOU'RE CONSIDERING A TATT

If you’re considering a Tatt I suggest you think about that

IN WHICH DIRECTION WILL THE SUN RISE TODAY

“In which direction will the sun rise today?”

IS TODAY YOUR DAY?

I can only please one person a day Today is not going to go your way Nor tomorrow I would have to say

IT DOESN’T MATTER

It doesn’t matter How much I care It doesn’t matter

IT IS A PIVOTAL POINT IN HIS LIFE

It is a pivotal point in his life

IT ISN’T AU REVOIR

It isn’t au revoir It’s not auf wiedersehen

IT WASN’T ME

Everybody is responsible Never mind what nanny state says For their own actions

IT’S A LOTTERY

When I win The jackpot on the lottery I have a plan And this is what I suggest I will spend half On wine women and song At least And then I’ll just waste the rest

IT’S A SNOW DAY

The motorway is closed All the schools are shut

IT’S A STEAL

The only thing In this world worth stealing Is a kiss From a child that’s sleeping

IT’S MY PARTY

At the end of every party Without even trying

IT’S NOT HIP

Don’t get your hip tattooed

IT’S NOT REALLY ANY COMFORT

It’s not really any comfort

I’M CELIBATE YOU KNOW

In my youth I took a solemn vow Pretty pointless I know that now For the vow that I took you see Was a solemn vow of celibacy For five long years I kept my vow

I’VE LOST TOO MANY

I’ve lost too many Nearest and dearest

JOKE TILL YOU CROAK

Some people think that life's a joke It's an opinion shared by many folk And that's their choice, which is fine But just think about the punch line

JUSTITIA

Justitia, or lady justice Matronly Goddess Stands for fairness

KEEPING ABREAST

There's nothing quite so disconcerting When you're with a girl in a cafe flirting Than for a mother and child to occupy Your table and you hear the baby cry

LADS AND LADDETTES

Going out Saturday nights Looking for birds Looking for fights Getting ratted Getting pissed Getting groped Getting kissed Getting angry Getting miffed Getting slapped Getting biffed

LIDL

Lidl in Stevenage has closed its doors

LIFE ETCHED IN MY FACE

Life etched in my face Each line speaking for me,

LIFE INSURANCE

Life should be rewarding Though not monetarily

LIFE LESSON

When I was young, life was full of riches

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 2

Is there anything more annoying?

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 3

Is there anything more annoying? As when

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 5

There is nothing that annoys me more

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 6

When you’re only browsing In a department store

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 7

I hate it when buying sunglasses

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 8

Is there anything more annoying?

LIVE A GOOD LIFE

Live a good life Honorable and true Live it to the full No one can live it for you

LOCAL INQUIRY

I rang up my local swimming baths Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

LOST SOULS

The selfish Self deluding Act of release At the end The point of serenity Marking an end And a beginning For the one Peace A perfect painless peace An end of heart ache Physical pain Emotional sorrow

MANY A MICKLE

Life can be a struggle day by day Scrimping and saving pennies away By the time you can make ends meet They move the ends just out of reach

Middle Aged Man Syndrome

My boss has either been struck down by a midlife crisis or the male menopause we’re not sure which yet. He has just bought himself a brand new Porsche or as we lowly employees prefer to call it his “Meno-Porsche”. There can be few things in this life more ridiculous than a balding man in his fifties with high blood pressure and a dodgy hip, driving an expensive sports car. In my experience real men don’t even like sports cars, after all they are so impractical, real men like trucks, vans, jeeps and Landover’s.

MISTAKES

Don’t be afraid of making mistakes I was taught as a kid As long as you learn something From the things you did I have learnt a lot about mistakes And now I’m in my prime

MONEY FOR OLD ROPE

When I was a boy Jumble sales helped good causes Raise some cash And if the jumble didn’t sell it The rag and bone man Took away the trash In the eighties Car boot sales began

MONEY TALKS

If only money could talk And I do wish it would try

MY COUSIN IS A CHAV

My cousin is a Chav

NATURE OR NURTURE

Was it Nature? Or is it nurture I was bought up on an estate And I turned out all right at any rate But my estate was not council run And covered half the shire of Huntingdon

NATURE OR NURTURE

Was it Nature? Or is it nurture I was bought up on an estate And I turned out all right at any rate But my estate was not council run And covered half the shire of Huntingdon

NOSTALGIA, THOSE WERE THE DAYS

We all think that when we were young The sun shone for 23 hours a day

ODIUM

It’s in a state of disgrace Resulting from detestable behaviour

OH LOOK

Oh look A glimpse of thigh As her legs cross Young girls Hipster clad Showing thongs Fail to titillate But the young woman In the lemon dress Illuminated in the sunlight’s shaft

ON THE NAMING OF A CHILD

On the naming of a child Certain protocols should be followed by the registrar

ON THE TREAD MILL

The worst part of participating in

ONE IN FIVE

One in five in The world today Are apparently Chinese they say Now we have five In our family So one is Chinese I know it’s not me Well it’s not mum Or my dad even

PAINT THE SKY WITH STARS

Why is it that when With astronomers you converse And your told there are Billions of stars in the universe You believe them Completely and with out coerce Yet when you speak

PANIC ATTACK

There's no panic Like the panic That momentarily affects you At any time that you Get your hand or head stuck In something, then you feel a schmuck

PAYMENT IN KIND

On the seventh day Of the seventh month Londoners paid the price The ultimate price in blood and death In part only they paid On that July morning For years of liberalism

PC COFFEE

Coffee, black That’s all I crave Nothing fancy Just black coffee Not latte Or espresso But now I’m told It’s not PC To ask for black coffee Apparently To be PC I must order

PERSONABLE

Don’t undervalue yourself As a person In the world you may be

PICCADILLY PHILLY

We stood on a busy London street One bright warm summer day When a girl in a skimpy top And very short skirt came our way The girl was walking towards us And she caused every head to turn

POINTS OF VIEW

Have you seen that bottle blonde? She asks her friend to look again

POLLSTER

There was a female guest On TV today She said she’d done a poll Which one she didn’t say But by the look of her She’d done most of Europe anyway

POLLSTER

There was a female guest On TV today She said she’d done a poll Which one she didn’t say But by the look of her She done most of Europe anyway

POP-UPS

Life is full of people

POSITIVE DISCRIMINATION

It’s about time we realised Discrimination is futile

RESPECT

I don’t compare myself to others Of greater worth or merit

REUNION TREPIDATION

Reunions are strange affairs Full of shadows of events long past

REUNIONS

Reunions are strange affairs "I haven't seen you for years"

RHYME AND PUNISHMENT

I like to write an ode or rhyme It’s a fun way to pass the time After many years of composition I have come to this conclusion The hardest part of the whole process

RICH BITCH

This life can really be an awful bitch Which is why I would rather be rich There are some people who get so rich People who find themselves so wealthy That they lose all respect for humanity

ROBIN THE HOODY

Robin the Hood Robbed from the rich And gave to the poor A noble with a noble cause A lovable rogue, full of charm Robin the Hoody Robs from the rich And also from the poor

ROUGED CHEEKS

Rouged cheeks And blood red lips

ROYAL NAMES

If the royal family Want respect from society And to keep their number Free from notoriety It might have helped To avoid behavior that scandalizes And also not to have named the kids

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Why in every disagreement From the first to the last

RULES OF THE COSMOS

RULES OF THE COSMOS - REAL BUTTER The hardness of the butter You’ve probably heard it said Is directly proportional To the softness of the bread

SEASONED

When we were young We began wandering aimlessly Through leafy woodland.

SHAMELESS

There appears to be no shame

SINCE THE FINANCIAL CRASH

Since the financial crash, strict conditions

SOLITUDE IS NOT A NEGATIVE

Solitude is not a negative That’s something I’ve always known

SOLVENT

I’m not a wealthy man But it's not hard to meet expenses I find they're everywhere Which make me very tense

ST ANTHONY

St Anthony is a patron saint

STATUS SYMBOL

Celebs with ideograms Tattooed into flesh

SUPERMARKET BLUES # 2

You know it really gets me down As you wait patiently in the queue

TECHNICAL TIP

This is a technical tip so listen to it Absorb it and assimilate it

TELL US WHO DID IT

An old man was sitting on a bench When something caught his view He stared at a lad who sat next to him The teenager had spiked hair in myriad hue He just kept staring at the lad’s hair

TERMINAL CONCEIT

Do you hold yourself in high esteem? Are you the answer to your dreams?

THANK GOD IT’S FEBRUARY

Thank God it’s February

THE ANCIENT ART OF HAPPINESS

My Feng Shui man isn’t very happy Unless the signs I have misread But I don’t believe for a second It’s anything that I have done or said I think it’s the more likely that he

THE ANNUAL BIRTHDAY BBQ BASH 2010

Don’t the years go quick? It’s another birthday BBQ

THE BEST ONES

The people most important to you The ones you care about and love

THE BIG SALE STARTS TODAY

The big sale starts today,

THE CHAUVINISTS ARE COMING

As economic migrants, blown On the easterly breeze

THE DEATH OF DREAMS

He leaves her house Saying goodnight at the door

THE ENDLESS PAVEMENT

The endless pavement Eats away the leather

THE FALSETTO GENERATIONS

I was one of the baby boomers And we were raised differently

The Girl In The Blue Dress

My wife Carrie and I were on our way to New Broadcasting House, we had a meeting at the One Show Production office.

THE GLOBAL VILLAGE

Its funny the effect that global communications have had on our lives in the way it has shrunken the globe.

THE GOOD CITIZEN

I am twenty one years old And was raised in the proper way To abide by the laws of land And to live by the rules every day I was raised to apply common sense To any action I might make

THE GOOD CITIZEN

I am twenty one years old And was raised in the proper way

THE PORT OF CUBAN SPRITES

The port of Cuban sprites Is I agree A nonsensical phase Meaningless and just plain daft But its is still more credible And makes more sense Than some judgements Reached by

THE RAVAGES OF TIME

Each year shall be recorded In your now pretty face

THE STREET ANGELS HAVE TROD THE PATH

The Street Angels have trod the path For Five years on Woking’s streets

THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING

I am not opposed to the clocks Going forward in the spring
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THE TWENTY FIRST CENTURY PLAGUE

Getting your toe On the property ladder Is so difficult It’s more of an escalator Constantly moving At best just out of reach More often out of sight With property values so high

THE WATER FEATURE

Running water is so therapeutic

THE YOUTH OF TODAY

Whether Right or wrong Or for good or bad They all do it, Girl and boy Or laddette and lad

TRESSPASSED

Other eyes have looked Other hands have touched The memories of my life Intrinsic mementoes Discarded like dross The floor like a storm swept beach Cables hang from Invisible technology

TROUBLE AT MILL

It’s an absolute calamity I’ve never heard the like of it

UNCONTAINABLE

The fetor of the sewerage farm

UPON THE CHESSBOARD

Upon the chessboard The pieces move

VERY RED CROSS

I supported the Red Cross For many Years

VERY TAXING

A fine is a tax for when

WE ALL NEED A PLACE TO BE ALONE

We all need a place to be alone Somewhere to find serenity

WELL IT HAPPENED LIKE THIS

Isn’t it funny what people write on their insurance form declaration? “The other car collided with mine without giving notice of its intention”

WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

In more naïve times When I was young

WHEN THE RAIN FALLS

When the rain falls Look for the rainbows

WHEN WE WERE KIDS

When we were kids

WHEN WE WERE YOUNG

I’m fifty years old this year How did I get so old? I’m lucky to have survived childhood It was so dangerous or so I’m told Our cots and toys, brightly colored

WHEN YOU ARE DROWNING

When you are drowning In a sea of despair

WHITE LADY

The soft pale skin of her face was hidden Beneath the large brim of hew broad straw hat This cast a dappled shadow across her Which touched her shoulders, arms and her breasts

WIT

People who think of themselves As a wit

WORDS OF WISDOM # 2

I learned that if someone Says something unkind about me, I must live my life So that no one will believe it of me

YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK WHEN

You know you’ve had too much to drink when Your Job is interfering with your drinking.

VAGAZZLING

Vagazzling is a really bizarre

THE ACCIDENTAL VILLAIN

I am the smoke That simply floats away
Cherry

SWEET HONEY BEE

Sweet Honey Bee How we will miss you

WHY DO WE NEVER LEARN?

Why do we never learn? We look back at past mistakes

I WAS LITTLE MORE THAN A LAD

I was little more than a lad And my hometown lay behind me

I’VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD LATELY

I’ve been working really hard lately

BOOTS THE CHEMIST SUNDAY OPENING

11am to 9pm the sign read But the opening time was well past

MY NEIGHBOURS ARE OBNOXIOUS

My neighbours are obnoxious, rude

LIFE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

Life is short, a four letter word

HAPPY AS LARRY

Apparently, being Happy as Larry

HIS LIFE WAS LIKEN

His life was liken To a candles flame

BURNING AWAY

Once lit the candle of life burns Hour by hour, day by day

I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED

I was asked who I wanted

IT ONLY DAWNS ON YOU QUITE

It only dawns on you, quite

ARE YOU WEARING A SQUINT?

Are you wearing a squint?