No Sex Please We're British

Poems related to sex

A CAR FULL OF TOTTIE

A car full of tottie Each one a hottie A Chevy of cuties

A CAUTIONARY TALE

Since the time I had unprotected sex With my next door neighbors daughter

A CAUTIONARY TALE

Since the time I had unprotected sex

A CONFUSED SPERM ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS

A confused sperm asked for directions

A MAN AND WOMAN WERE TALKING

A man and woman were talking When the man asked her a question

A MAN RAN SCREAMING FROM A BUILDING

A man ran screaming from a building

A MAN WALKED INTO A CROWDED BAR

A man walked into a crowded bar With a loaded gun and shouted

A NIGHT WITH A FIT BIRD

I pulled a girl on Saturday night And when we were getting at it She rasped, moaned and thrashed about And I don’t mean just a bit Well I thought I was a great lover That I have to admit

A STIFF DRINK

Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,

ACCORDING TO A POLL

Women’s silk Panties are Not

ADIDAS IS AN ACRONYM

ADIDAS is an acronym for

ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY KNEES?

“Are you looking at my knees?”

ARE YOU WEARING A BASQUE?

Are you wearing a Basque?

ARE YOU WEARING A BLUSH?

Are you wearing a blush? Oh was that another flush?

ARE YOU WEARING A BODY STOCKING?

Are you wearing a body stocking?

ARE YOU WEARING A BRA?

Are you wearing a bra? It doesn’t look as if you are

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSET?

Are you wearing a corset? All whalebone and string

ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?

Are you wearing a cross?

ARE YOU WEARING A FEATHER BOA?

Are you wearing a feather boa? It makes you look like a goer

ARE YOU WEARING A FLAT CAP?

Are you wearing a flat cap? How very working class

ARE YOU WEARING A GIRDLE?

Are you wearing a girdle? That’s a problem Mrs Spurdle,

ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?

Are you wearing a halo? Well angel you look very sweet

ARE YOU WEARING A JOHNNY?

Are you wearing a Johnny?

ARE YOU WEARING A LACE UP CORSET?

Are you wearing a lace up corset?

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF SATISFACTION?

Are you wearing a look of satisfaction?

ARE YOU WEARING A MUFFLER?

Are you wearing a muffler? To keep the cold off your chest

ARE YOU WEARING A NAPPY?

Are you wearing a nappy?

ARE YOU WEARING A NEGLIGEE?

Are you wearing a negligee? It’s really very nice, I must say

ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTIE?

Are you wearing a nightie?

ARE YOU WEARING A PETTICOAT?

Are you wearing a petticoat?

ARE YOU WEARING A PLEATED SKIRT?

Are you wearing a pleated skirt? It’s really very flattering on you

ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?

Are you wearing a prophylactic? What do you mean, “What’s one of them”

ARE YOU WEARING A PUZZLED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a puzzled expression?

ARE YOU WEARING A RUBBER?

Are you wearing a rubber? That’s jumping the gun in my opinion

ARE YOU WEARING A SASH?

Are you wearing a sash? I think you’ll make a splash

ARE YOU WEARING A SHEEPDOG BRA?

Are you wearing a sheepdog bra?

ARE YOU WEARING A SHORTY NIGHTIE?

Are you wearing a Shorty nightie?

ARE YOU WEARING A SMILE?

Are you wearing a smile?

ARE YOU WEARING A TEDDY?

Are you wearing a teddy? Does that mean you’re ready?

ARE YOU WEARING A TRENCH COAT?

Are you wearing a trench coat? It’s certainly got my vote

ARE YOU WEARING A UNION SUIT?

Are you wearing a union suit? Well not exactly a source of phwors

ARE YOU WEARING A VEST?

Are you wearing a vest?

ARE YOU WEARING A WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a waistcoat? Well it certainly gets my vote

ARE YOU WEARING A WONDER BRA?

Are you wearing a wonder bra? I think you almost certainly are

ARE YOU WEARING AMERICAN PANTS?

Are you wearing American Pants?

ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSLIP?

Are you wearing an underslip?

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing baggy dungarees? Oh yes they’re the bee’s knees

ARE YOU WEARING BIG KNICKERS?

Are you wearing big knickers?

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK?

Are you wearing black? Yes it’s a funeral I know

ARE YOU WEARING CAMI KNICKERS?

Are you wearing cami knickers? Why does that provoke snickers?

ARE YOU WEARING DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing dungarees? I think they are really nice

ARE YOU WEARING FALSIES?

Are you wearing falsies? How disappointing is that

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing fishnet stockings? They might be considered shocking

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNETS?

Are you wearing fishnets?
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ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER?

Are you wearing glitter? On your down below

ARE YOU WEARING JODHPURS?

Are you wearing jodhpurs? You have a fine seat you know

ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Knickers?

ARE YOU WEARING LACE GARTERS?

Are you wearing lace garters? Answer me that one for starters

ARE YOU WEARING LACE?

Are you wearing lace? To decorates that place

ARE YOU WEARING LONG UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing long underwear?

ARE YOU WEARING ONE?

Are you wearing one?

ARE YOU WEARING PANTS?

Are you wearing pants?

ARE YOU WEARING PJ’S?

Are you wearing PJ’s?

ARE YOU WEARING SCENT?

Are you wearing scent? You don’t usually exude

ARE YOU WEARING SEDUCTIVE GARB?

Are you wearing seductive garb?

ARE YOU WEARING SEXUAL GARB?

Are you wearing sexual garb?

ARE YOU WEARING SEXY GARTERS?

Are you wearing sexy garters? Answer me that one for starters

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING CHIC?

Are you wearing something chic?

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SEXY?

Are you wearing something sexy? As part of your beautiful wedding out fit

ARE YOU WEARING SPACE PANTS?

Are you wearing space pants?

ARE YOU WEARING STILETTOS?

Are you wearing stilettos? To cramp and pinch your toes

ARE YOU WEARING SUSPENDERS?

Are you wearing suspenders? One of my favourite seven wonders

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing that for a reason?

ARE YOU WEARING THERMALS?

Are you wearing thermals? To keep all your bits nice and cosy

ARE YOU WEARING TIGHTS?

Are you wearing tights?

ARE YOU WEARING UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing underwear? Or are you naked under there

ARE YOU WEARING VELVET?

Are you wearing velvet? That’s the sexiest dress yet

ARE YOU WEARING WELLIES?

Are you wearing wellies? Why where are we going?

ARE YOU WEARING WHISKERS?

Are you wearing whiskers? Well it’s not really workin’

ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing winter underwear? I’m thinking as you stand there

ARE YOU WEARING WORN OUT DRAWERS?

Are you wearing worn out drawers? Well I think it’s something certain

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HAIR DIFFERENTLY?

Are you wearing your hair differently?

AWKWARD TEENAGE MOMENTS

The stress of being a teenager Do you remember? Especially the instant arousals

BENDY WENDY

Wendy was bendy And a delight to behold

BI THE WAY

Just remember when on the prowl For liaisons casual

BINGO, BANGO, BONGO

I will call up my Dolly To be alone would be folly

BIRDS

The world over the bird of peace Is regarded to be the dove, And there are many contenders

BITCHIN’ BABE

Wow as you passed slowly by You really caught my eye

BLASTED

The difference between Taking many lives away And the making Of a brand new life today

BREATHLESS

My elderly maiden aunt Suffers terribly from asthma And yesterday she was phoned By a heavy breather After an hour it was unclear Who was the original caller

BRIDGE ANYONE?

A game of Bridge is just like sex As I recall If you have a good hand You don't need a partner at all

BUFF

You’re really buff

CAMILLA AND QUENTIN

Camilla Titt-Wank Went to the hunt ball

CAUGHT

Remember men who fish In another mans water

CLEVER

I like this saying

COLLAR AND CUFFS

Hey there blondie I really like your hair But I bet that it’s a different shade down there

COMING OF AGE

When I was still but a boy I went to visit a house of joy

CONCUPISCENCE # 2

Affected by her Joie de vivre In a way I couldn’t believe

CONCUPISCENCE # 3

Each man doth aspire With she he doth admire

CONCUPISCENCE # 4

In my fecundity I see you And all the dirty things you do

DESPERATELY SEEKING TOTTIE

In bars and pubs In joints and clubs

DO YOU HAVE A BRAZILIAN?

Are you sporting a Brazilian? I think you might be Gillian I don’t think you have a silly’n

DO YOU NEED A BAG

A man said to the chemist

DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS

Donations to Sperm Banks

DRIVING RAIN

Wipers swish Expelling the rain drops

FCUK

Sex is a three-letter word which Needs for the purpose of apt defining

FEELING A BIT GINGER

There is a Ginger girl I see Whom I see professionally In a strictly sexual capacity

FLASH GAME

A flasher stepped out from the shadows In front of an unsuspecting old lady

GAYNOR

Gaynor was pretty enough

GERTY

A young lady called Gerty

GLORY OF THE DAWN

Oh to awake at dawn Awaking with the horn

HAVE YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT?

Have you had an accident?

HI'S AND LO'S

There was a tight rope walker On a high wire in Sydney harbor While in London was another man Being blown by an octogenarian The men a thousand miles apart Nearer the end than to the start Have the same thought suddenly

I AM BY NO MEANS PERFECT, BUT

I am by no means perfect, but my wife
Cherry

I AM THE WOMAN

When a door opens And a siren enters the room

I CHATTED TO A GIRL IN THE PUB

I chatted to a girl in the pub And suspecting her gullibility

I DO PREFER NATURAL BEAUTY

I saw her and thought “not a fan” She was all extensions and fake tan

I HAVE SOMETHING OF A WEAKNESS

I have something of a weakness

I KISSED A GIRL # 1

I kissed a girl, A very friendly sort

I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE PARK

I met a beautiful girl in the park

I ONCE MADE A SEX TAPE

I once made a sex tape

I PICKED UP A GIRL AND WENT BACK TO HERS

I picked up a girl and went back to hers

I SURRENDER

In the battle of the sexes No one will achieve supremacy There is just too much Fraternizing with the enemy

I WAS AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY

I was at a fancy dress party And looking for something tarty

I WAS AT THE END OF MY WITS

I couldn’t understand I was at the end of my wits

I WENT TO A TALK ABOUT THE WHEELBARROW

I went to a talk about the Wheelbarrow

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2

If a pair is a twosome

IN DAYS OF OLD

Here is a tale from days of old When the knights were bold It is the tale of a maiden fare Who lost her reputation their As a humble friar stumbled on A knight with the maiden, upon

IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO

They were found in the toilet

IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY

If you are the sort of woman who believes Life is too short to dance with ugly men

IT SEEMS THAT PORNOGRAPHY

It seems that pornography

IT’S A MUST-O

You said you were not fussed-o When I said I’m full of lust-o

I’D WAITED AN HOUR UP THAT TREE

I’d waited an hour up that tree In a position that I could see

I’M A CRUMPET MAN

I’m a crumpet man

JEAN PIERRE AND HIS LETTERS

Jean Pierre coated his French Letters

JOE AND MABEL

Joe offered Mabel a drink and said “You remind me of my little toe”

JUST A TANTALISING HINT OF THE EXOTIC

Just a tantalizing hint of the exotic Beneath the hem of your skirt

JUST ABOUT SEX

DON’T JUST SMILE To smile is very good But if you follow my tips It's the second best thing You can do with your lips BLINDING PANTS If love is blind To be unkind Why is lingerie?

LECHEROUS

When I see a young woman Dressed seductively to flirt

LEFT A BIT, RIGHT A BIT

She said to me last night “Left a bit, Right a bit,

LES GIRLS

I have often wondered what it would be like To be a lesbian or do they say dyke?

LET’S FACE IT

Why don't men fake an orgasm?

LET’S TRY ROLE PLAY

She said “Let’s try role play

LIQUID TO SOLID

Liquid Viagra will become

LOOSE WOMEN

I always thought The Essex girls were loose

LOVE

When undie’s pass the knees And hands go into shirts

LOVE IS

Love is many things According to noted experts Love is where you can get it According to noted flirts Love is ecstasy to some Others say love hurts But in my experience Love comes in spurts

MARTI

A young lady called Marti

MILF IS AN ACRONYM

MILF is an acronym for

MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU LOVE

Money can't buy you love they say That may be very true in someway But I would say without hesitation Money can rent a very close imitation

MULTITASKING MAIDENS

Women are supposedly very good at multitasking

MY TACTIC

My tactic, come bed time At the said time

MY WIFE AND I ARE VOYEURS

My wife and I are voyeurs We like to watch then get at it

NAKED LUST

While idly watching you undress I have a thought, of course one of lust

NAUGHTY BUT NICE

If you ever find you have to chose Between two evils, then be sure

NO MATTER YOUR PERSUASION

No matter your persuasion

NOBODY IS PERFECT

Do I care she’s not a perfect 10?

NOSEGAY

A young woman stood waiting to meet She stood six foot tall in stocking feet Two midgets arrive standing to her right Or should I say men of restricted height

NOT BEING PREVIOUS

For those who don’t believe In sex before marriage Those who want the horse Before the carriage

NUCLEAR PETUNIA

Nuclear Petunia was insatiable A sexual being to her core

OF SWEET GARDENIAS

Of sweet gardenias The lassie smelt

OH OBJECT OF MY DESIRE

Oh object of my desire An object to deflower

ONCE I FOUND OUT THAT MASTURBATING

Once I found out that masturbating

ONE JUMP OR TWO

The only difference between

OODLES

There is more to life than boodle So if you use your noodle

OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 1

Long slender legs That caught the eye

OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 2

Though not the type To put it about

PANDORA

Pandora was a bit of a trollop You’d often find her round the docks

PARTY FAVOURS DECLINED

She looked tarty At the party

PERVERTED PETE

Perverted Pete during a heat wave While armed with a hand held fan Would converse with all the girls For Pete was that kind of a man Whilst he engaged in conversation

PHILANDER

Flirtation and casual sexual affairs

PLAYING DRESS UP

To surprise her husband and add some spice She dressed in tight black leather Basque

POP

Confucius said that the trouble With virginity is its like a bubble

POSH TOTTIE

She was posh tottie Her name was Pandora

PREMATURE FALLASY

Premature ejaculation is a myth, a fallacy Or more appropriately it’s a phallus-y Ejaculation is only premature for a woman Because it’s bang on time if you are a man

PUT THEM ON

They call themselves exotic dancers, how grand What the attraction is I simply fail to understand

PUT THEM ON

They call themselves exotic dancers, how grand

QUICKIES

Many people indulge despite the dangers In quickies even with complete strangers

RAMBUNCTIOUS

It was noisy and unrestrained

RED FACED

You never look as lovely, you know?
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RED FLANNEL NIGHTY

In your Red flannel nighty But if I might say politely

RED FLANNEL PJ’S

In your Red flannel PJ’s You look quite a picture

RESTLESS NIGHT

In error I booked in to a cheap hotel Frequented by very odd clientele You could tell that it wasn't great The room even had an hourly rate I had not expected a peaceful night

ROSE TINTED GOGGLES

She walked boldly into the pub Mutton dressed as lamb

ROSES ARE RED

Rose’s are red Violet’s are blue Daisy’s are white Lily’s are too Poppy’s are red Iris’s are blue Panzy’s are varied Petunia’s are too Ruby’s are red

ROSES WERE RED

Roses were red, violets were blue No one in the bar was prettier than you

ROUGH SILK

Your touch is sexilly silken

SAFETY FIRST

I believe I know how hill farmers Manage to practice safe sex? For on the backs of animals that kick They paint a big red X

SCIENTIFIC SEX

The difference between Sex and love is this merely Love is a question of chemistry While sex is only physics clearly

SELF DISCIPLINED

I don’t need stimulation Of any kind

SEX AID

My wife and I use Vaseline, I’m not ashamed to say

SEX EDUCATION

No matter how many times you've had sex If you’re offered it then take it Because it'll never be quite the same again And you may never again be offered it

SEX GAMES

Autoerotic asphyxiation Is listed under sexual games These are a deadly combination And not trendy children’s names

SEX IN SUBURBIA

Somewhere across this land

SEX IS

Sex is the most natural Sex is the most wonderful Sex is the most wholesome Sex is the most awesome

SEX MATTERS

THAT RINGS A BELL This is the tale of a solo bell ringer Caught with the rope around his Dinger The vicar made the shock discovery

SEX TOY

In this modern age It is certainly possible For you to increase Sexual arousal With the use of mechanical devices In particular They work on women One of these is a sports car

SEX TOY STORY

Her husband had a Woody

SEX TOY UPGRADE

In this modern age It is certainly possible For you to increase Sexual arousal With the use of mechanical devices In particular They work on women One of these is a sports car

SEX WITHOUT LOVE

Sex without love Is a meaningless experience you know I think you’ll agree

SEXUAL DISCRIMITATION

Sex is discriminatory And I will tell you why It discriminates against The ugly and the shy

SEXUAL DUTY

Don’t think of sex As purely being dutiful When the lights are out All women are beautiful

SEXUAL POLITICS # 4

Young men sow their wild oats On Saturday night Then on Sunday they sit and pray For crop blight

SEXUAL POLITICS # 4

Young men sow their wild oats On Saturday night Then on Sunday they sit and pray For crop blight

SEXY WEATHER

Here’s something you may already know Sex is very much like snow When you are in the clinches

SEXYGEN

Sex is very like oxygen I would say

SHE WAS A SIREN

She was a siren She was a vamp

SILENT SEX

Bunnies don’t make any noise When they have sex at all

SINGLE GIRLS

Single girls, single girls

SO PLEASE MAKE NO MISTAKE

There is definitely a difference,

SOLICITING

A lady of the night Was arrested by a cop

SOME LIKE A GIRL

Some like a girl Blessed with a certain glamour

SOMETHING NEW

Don’t worry about it New experiences aren’t a crime And besides it will only seem Kinky for the first time

SPAM, SPAM AND MORE SPAM

I keep getting spam emails From Ms Fatale Attraction

SPECIAL DELIVERY

There stood I, naked, in phallic splendour Ready to give service roughly or tender

STAND IN'S

Dildo's and soy beans

SWEET GIRL

Ahla was very cute and sweet And she worked at the sweetshop

SWING

I’m in the motor trade and I’ll try anything once

SWINGERS

Two couples decided to swing And swapped partners to play

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK

You don’t need expensive binoculars

TAMARA AND PANDORA

Tamara Split-Whiskers Loved Pandora ffanny-ffarte

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FAVOURS

Thank you for your favours, and joy they're bringing

THAT FIT’S

I was walking home from the pub last night With Dai Evans when we had a sudden fright A blood-curdling scream suddenly rang out Something was in pain of that we had no doubt

THAT RINGS A BELL

This is the tale of a solo bell ringer Caught with the rope around his Dinger The vicar made the shock discovery And then tolled the man off promptly

THATS RARE

What is the difference Between medium and rare? Six inches is only medium But eight is really vary rare

THAT’S A RELIEF

I was arrested in my local paper shop today

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE THREE

The three best things in life Not including laughter Are definitely a drink before And a cigarette after

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

The boy who cried Wolf

THE CALL OF THE WILD

Not pampered or preened Nor sculptured or shaped

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 1

I think that down below you are bare You have nothing on down there

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 2

You’ve gone commando haven’t you? Don’t shake your head I know its true

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 3

When no undies you are wearing You think yourself quite daring

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 4

When no undies you are wearing Your undercarriage gets an airing

THE DIARY OF A VIRGIN

The diary of a Virgin

THE FAIR GAME

The moment I first saw her Was at the county fair

THE LIBERTINE

The libertine, devotee of the immoral Master of the sexual conquest

THE MOMENT I ENTERED HER

The moment I entered her

THE RED HOUSE

I met her in the Red House When she gave me the eye

THE RED LIGHT

The Red Light

THE STUFF OF DREAMS

Let me say this from the start You’re a lovely bit of stuff

THE SURE THING

She was a dirty horny little cow And I wanted her and how

THE THING ABOUT SEX

There are some things better than sex And some things worse than sex

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE ACTION

A love pat on the behind my dear A subtle spank on my dearest’s rear

THE WALKING WOUNDED

The walking wounded And the living dead

THERE IS MORE TO SEX THAN LUST

Sex isn’t just lust Or a mere coupling

THEY’RE ON THE MOVE

They’re on the move Within the silk

TOP OF THE LINE

Toward little ones I incline Your little breasts are fine

TOTTERING TOTTIE

Oh my little piece of Tottering tottie

TWO WAY FAMILY FAVOURITES

My wife isn't very keen on a 69 If I suggest it she turns me down flat

WENDY FOY

Sweet Wendy Foy Fancied trendy Roy

WHALE KEEP A WELCOME

While on holiday an Eskimo or should I say Inuit Had his car break down while in Wales isn't it

WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

People of a certain generation Older than baby boomers anyway Know exactly what they were doing The day Oswald assassinated JFK I have no inkling what I was doing

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX

I asked “When did you last have sex?”

WHEN I LOOK

When I look at Dawny I get really horny When I look at Candy I get really randy When I look at Sue My loins go ooh When I look at Sharon I get the biggest hard on When I look at Sarah

WHEN TIMES ARE HARD, A WOMAN

When times are hard, a woman

WHY DID THE VOYEUR CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the voyeur cross the road?

WORLD WIDE WEB

A passionate kiss is like a spider’s web And I’ll tell you why

WOW YOU SMELL GREAT!

“Wow you smell great! What do you have on”?
Cherry

YOU ARE A WOMAN

You are a Woman Who attracts and enamours

YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED

You are well endowed Is it all you? Or is it padded up there

YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE

The upstairs flat has been sublet Above our local patisserie To an attractive young woman

YOU HAVE A REALLY DELICIOUS FIGURE

You have a really delicious figure

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 13

You wouldn’t smile at me

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 14

You wouldn’t smile at me

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 15

You wouldn’t smile at me

YOUNG LOVERS # 2

Those first encounters Clumsily fumbling in the dark

YOURE NEVER TOO OLD

Mavis and Maude were two sisters, spinsters and twinned Who had reached retirement age having never ever sinned

PORN STAR TIPPLE

I worked in a cocktail bar, where

I WAS SCARRED DURING MY FIRST TIME

I was scarred during my first time