PHILOSOPHICALLY INCLINED TALES

PHILOSOPHY

50-50-90 RULE

There is a simple guide or tool Called the 50-50-90 rule If you have a 50-50 chance say Of doing something correctly There is a 90% probability You'll get it wrong completely

A BASIC FACT

A fact remains a fact

A JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES

A journey of a thousand miles Begins with a single pace

A PINCH OF SALT

Take life with a pinch of salt So the old adage goes

A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

I think on balance its better To have a horrible end

A TROUBLE SHARED

Don’t tell people when things are bad Because half of them would not be sad

ACUTE NEED

Needing someone is like needing a parachute

ALWAYS READ STUFF THAT

Always read stuff that

ARE YOU WEARING A BUSTLE?

Are you wearing a bustle?

ARE YOU WEARING A CONFIDENT AIR?

Are you wearing a Confident Air?

ARE YOU WEARING A DUMB EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a dumb expression?

ARE YOU WEARING A SNEER?

Are you wearing a sneer? Well that’s how you appear

ARE YOU WEARING A STOVEPIPE HAT?

A re you wearing a Stovepipe Hat? Its height certainly exceeds Are you trying to look taller? Well a very wise man heeds That any man is only as tall As the sum of his deeds

ARE YOU WEARING A TOP HAT?

Are you wearing a top hat? Its height certainly exceeds

ARE YOU WEARING GROWNUP CLOTHES?

Are you wearing grownup clothes?
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AS I'VE GROWN OLDER

As I've grown older I don't question

AS JIMINY CRICKET FAMOUSLY SAID

As Jiminy Cricket famously said “Let conscience be your guide”

ASSOCIATIONS

If you spend your time associating With well mannered individuals Your own manners will improve And you will polish up like a jewel If you spend your time associating

AT YOUR CONVENIENCE

Beware the Cross-eyed man in the gents Because if he Looks at the left hand urinal He will urinate in the center one instead And then he'll flush the right hand stall

BATTERY CONUNDRUM

It used to be “batteries not included”

BLINDING PANTS

If love is blind To be unkind Why is lingerie? So popular to see

BORN NAKED

Brought into the world, we’re naked And we’re helpless cold, and wet, Were born hungry and with a thirst But that’s not as bad as it will get

CAN YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME?

I’ll tell you what I need From this time hence

CAP IT ALL

If the cap fits Then wear it

CLEAN SWEEP

A clean desk is the sign Of a sick mind

COME AND GONE

A coffin and a condom Have in common something They're both filled with stiffs Either coming or going

COOL PICK UP

It's just impossible As far as I can see

CYNICS

Cynics are those knowing

DEEP THOUGHTS

You’ll find differences and comparisons Quite interesting concepts

DISTRESSED

Life can really leave you in a mess So here are two steps to handle stress

DOING WHAT YOU LIKE

Doing what you like

DON'T LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE

In my long experience of a life lived well And its in Self indulgence in what I excel A conscience is the thing that hurts you so When everything else feels good you know

DON'T QUOTE ME

Remember Misquotations are The only quotations thus far And it should be duly noted That are never ever misquoted

DON’T BE A FOOL

Never ever argue with an idiot Not even in your own defense

DON’T JUST SMILE

To smile is very good But if you follow my tips It's the second best thing You can do with your lips

DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD

If you can keep your head when All about you in your location

DON’T PANIC

There's no panic quite so reel Like panic you momentarily feel

DON’T WORRY

Don’t waste your time worrying Anxiously distressed or fretting What other people think of you

DOUBLE YOUR MONEY

The quickest way to double

DO’S

It’s always What you don’t do And this is the truth

DREAM EXISTENCE

We stumble through this life Enduring disappointments Unhappiness or misery And our only defense against life Are our dreams Dreams of infinite possibilities Happiness, joy Being fulfilled

EIN GANG

Just a little heads up

EVERYTHING IN THE GARDEN

Everything in the garden

FIGHT YOUR CORNER

I think I would always advocate That anything worth fighting for Anything of importance at any rate Is certainly worth fighting dirty for

FINER ARTS

Procrastination is

FOOLS

Any fool can paint a picture Or even to write a po-em But it really takes a genius To find a fool to buy them

GENTLY DOES IT

What is the difference Between purple and pink? That’s a good question But it’s the grip I think

GET YOUR DANDER UP

When some one annoys you And you want to have a go When your hackles go up Firstly count to ten or so But if they get under your skin And you want to let rip And you feel your temples throb

GOOD JUDGEMENT

Good judgement comes apparently From experience gained life long, Experience more than often comes From bad judgement if I’m not wrong

HAPPINESS TRANSACTION

Money can't buy you happiness

HAPPY DAYS

If when forced to make a detour You are content to enjoy the scenery Then congratulations are in order You are without doubt truly happy

HAS ANYONE EVER SAID TO YOU?

Has anyone ever said to you? “Try and walk in someone else’s shoes”

HE WHO LAUGHS

He who laughs last Laughs the longest

HI BROW?

The fashionable study Of modern philosophy

HI'S AND LO'S

There was a tight rope walker On a high wire in Sydney harbor While in London was another man Being blown by an octogenarian The men a thousand miles apart Nearer the end than to the start

HIDDEN DEPTHS

You should never try to find How deep

HOME SPUN PHILOSOPHY # 1

A positive attitude May not solve all the problems you’ll face

HOME SPUN PHILOSOPHY # 2

We make a living by what we get

HONEST

I don't lie, cheat Or steal you see Well that is to say Not unnecessarily

HOPE SITS

Hope sits Upon its primordial throne

HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU HEARD IT SAID?

How often have you heard it said? “I am taking it one day at a time” Well no shit Sherlock don’t we all That is after all the nature of time

I AM THE SMOKE

I am the smoke That will simply float away Drift away powerless to stop There is a kind of beauty about me Also there is danger in me. I am mercurial I am thick like pea soup fog

I WANT IT ALL

You can't have everything That's true enough I'd say And if you did have everything Where would you put it anyway?

I WAS EXPLAINING REINCARNATION

I was explaining reincarnation to my wife

I WONDER

Something I often wonder

IDEAS

A good idea will keep you awake During the morning light But a great idea will keep you awake During the day and night

IDIOTIC

One thing that you can Really depend upon

IF AT FIRST

“If at first you don't succeed” Said Robert the Bruce the King If at first you don't succeed Then you shouldn’t try skydiving

IF AT FIRST

If at first you don't succeed Try try again?

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED

If at first you don’t succeed

IF PEOPLE MAKE DEMANDS OF YOU

If people make demands of you

IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE

I will offer you this wise piece of advice It’s a simple fact of life that never fails It’s this “if you like to scratch your bum” “You should never bite your finger nails”

IN A QUANDARY

What a quandary to be in

IN TIMES OF PERIL

In times of peril And personal plight

INFINITE TIME

Time itself is infinite So infinite as to be immeasurable By time it self Our own time, upon our earth A lifetime is so short A life’s time passes in an instant So quickly

INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY

The information you have is not what you want The information you want is not what you require The information you require is not what you can get

IS SIZE IMPORTANT?

The bigger they are The harder they fall I think the saying has it

IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON ME

It suddenly dawned on me, It couldn’t have been clearer

IT’S JUST AS WELL THAT JESUS

It’s just as well that Jesus

IT’S NOT THE SIZE OF A MAN

It’s not the size of a man That marks him high or low

KEEP SMILING

If you can smile when things go wrong, Whistle a happy tune or sing a little song

KEEPING ABREAST

If a fraction of the effort that went into Research of women’s breasts and their bras Had instead gone into exploration Of space, the galaxy and the stars We would today be operating

LASTING IMPRESSIONS

Those with personality

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE

# 1 Newton’s law states that To every human action The universe has an equal And opposite reaction # 2 According to Murphy’s law If anything can go ill Horribly wrong or awry

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 10

To any problem no matter how difficult There is the very simplest solution

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 11

When things go wrong There are always faults numbering two The second of which Will only become apparent to you After you have rectified The first of the two

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 13

The Laws of nature Will take you to the brink

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 7

There is a law of Fertlidge Which should be universally taught

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 8

There is a corollary of lambast Which should be printed in a book

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 9

There is a law of equality Which is concerned with probability

LET THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

Because it has a light side And it also has a dark side

LETS FACE IT

Some days you’ll find You’re the dog you see

LIAR LIAR

Everybody lies Yes everybody’s lying

LIFE IS TOO SHORT

Life is too short to wake up

LIGHT SOUND

Light travels faster than sound A fact you simply cannot balk

LISTENING

If people listened More often to what they say They wouldn’t talk All the live long day

LITTLE BOY BLUE

A person who blows their own trumpet

LIVE A VERY GOOD LIFE

Live a very good life Live it honourably and true

LOOKING PUZZLED

I am puzzled most By things that don’t fit Such as “if all is not lost” Then where the hell is it

LOW EXPECTATIONS

I find that in my life

MAKING DO

We certainly don’t have a lot But we are content with what we’ve got

MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS

Money can't buy happiness That is almost definitely so

MULTITASKING IS A MYTH

Multitasking is a myth,

MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

My philosophy of life Is a simple one

MY PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE IS THIS

My philosophy on life is this

NATURE'S WAY

Time is merely natures way Of assurance And stops everything happening At once

NAUGHTY BUT NICE

In life you will find anything Even remotely good at all

NEAT FIT

Some days thing fit neatly And every thing dove tails

NEVER A BORROWER NOR A LENDER BE

Never a borrower nor a lender be That is my simple philosophy

NEVER DO TODAY

You have decided

NEVER TOO SMALL

If they tell you you're too small To have an impact, let’s assume

NOT STALGIA

Things are more like They are today Than they have ever Been before I’d say

NUMBERS GAME

If seventy five percent of all Accidents happen or befall

ON THAT AND THIS

Many hours spent A whole lifetime lent

ONE BORN EVERY DAY

To make something foolproof Is an impossibility

ONE BORN EVERY DAY

To make something foolproof Is an impossibility

OPEN YOUR ARMS TO CHANGE

Open your arms to change,

PARANOIA

Simply never forget this

PERFECT CLARITY

True beauty will only shine

PHILOSOPHICAL FACT

Everyone is entitles to their own opinion

PHILOSOPHICAL HAPPINESS

The truth of the matter is I guess

PHILOSOPHICAL REMINDER

Even though hurting you

PHILOSOPHICAL TISSUE

Life is like a roll of toilet paper Take it from one who knows The closer it gets to the end Then the faster it goes

PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

Here is an important life tip

PHILOSOPHY THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS part 2

SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL # 1 The lion and the calf Shall lie down together But the calf will not Get much sleep however RIOTOUS ASSEMBLY You should never Underestimate the powers

PHILOSOPHY THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS part 3

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 8 There is a corollary of lambast Which should be printed in a book Whenever an item is sought It’s always in the last place you look IF AT FIRST

PHILOSOPHY, THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS

PLAYING WITH WORDS This thought occurred to me Just the other day Why do people play at a recital? Yet recite at a play WINDING Why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts to run

PIGGY IN THE MIDDLE

The first shall be last And the last shall be first
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PLAYING WITH WORDS

This thought occurred to me Just the other day

POINT'S OF VIEW

I Have found as I have travelled life's highway that in the end everything comes down to perspective. For example if you are inside a car your perspective would be that the car was an efficient and economic means of getting from a to b.

PONDERING

The meaning of life I often ponder Of Gods great gift's and things of wonder I reason matters Theologic Thinking deeply philosophic I have often sought these things profound

PONDERING

The meaning of life I often ponder Of gods great gift's and things of wonder I reason matters Theologic

PONDERING STUFF

I wonder things some times Pondering to help me cope Like all things being equal Fat people use more soap

PRECIOUS LIFE

The most precious thing We have is life after all

PROCRASTINATION

Never put off until tomorrow What you can do the day after Procrastinate today it maybe to late tomorrow NOW is the time to do things later!

PUTTING YOUR FOOT IN IT

If you have occasion to Put your foot in your mouth Make sure you only put one size ten

QUESTION

If you ask a question that You don’t want answering Expect an answer that You won’t want to be hearing

REALLY

Reality is that which, A philosopher might say When you stop believing in it, Doesn’t go away

RED DOOR

What is behind the red door? Does danger lurk out of view?

RELAX

If we have nothing to lose by change just relax

RHETORICAL CHANCES

There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion

RHETORICAL EMERGENCY AGAIN

There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion Why are there flotation devices Under aeroplane seat crev-ices, In the unlikely event of a crisis Instead of parachutes devices?

RHETORICAL EXTREMITIES

There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion

RHETORICAL EYE RESTING

There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion Why is it when we're dog tired chaps We take what are called catnaps?

RHETORICAL RHETORIC

There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion

RHETORICAL SMALL'S

There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion

RHETORICAL WASTE

There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion

RICH OR NOT

You shouldn’t care if you’re rich or not As long as you live comfortably with your lot And everything that you want you’ve got

RIOTOUS ASSEMBLY

You should never Underestimate the powers

SACHNUSSEN’S LAW

If someone owns some land Is there some rule or law?

SHHH

No matter how absurd It may be when it’s heard

SILENT WISDOM

I learned that silent company Will often suffice And is often more healing Than words of advice

SIMPLE

In almost any circumstance That may occur Everything should be made I would infer As simple as possible But no simpler

SIMPLE PHILOSOPHY

I WANT IT ALL You can't have everything That’s true enough id say And if you did have everything Where would you put it anyway? FRIEND OR FOE Your friends may come

SMILE ON

The man who can smile When things go badly wrong
Cherry

SODS LAW

Sods law has been proven
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SOME DAYS

Some days you’re the King And on another day unseen

SOME PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES

Some people come into our lives And leave footprints on our hearts

SOUNDS LIKE

What I think is quite ironic Is that the word phonetic? Why on consistency grounds? Isn't it spelt the way it sounds?

SPREADAGE

There is a natural law of perversity

START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON

We all enter this world in the same way Soaked in blood, screaming and quite bare But if you live your life in the right way That kind of thing doesn't have to stop there

STRIKE TWO

What would you say to someone?

TACTICAL LAW

If you can't beat them Joining them won’t do

TAKE IT EASY

Don’t rush to get there first Take your time and stop To shoot the breeze And remember this simple fact It’s the second mouse That gets the cheese

TELL ME LOVIE

If all the world is a stage As they say

THAT’S HISTORY

Those who don't study the past Will be condemned to repeat its errors

THAT’S LOGICAL

Someone who thinks logically

THAT’S PROOF YOU FOOL

Nothing is really foolproof Despite the general rule

THE HARDER THEY FALL

A universal truth of worth On which you can truly depend If they get too big for the britches They’ll be exposed in the end

THE MIGHTY OAK

The mighty oak Is a universal symbol A Representing of strength both solid and dependable

THE VOICE

And out of the chaos, a voice did converse "Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse" And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse

THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS

AND THEY ALL LIVED I think it is only possible Unless I am remiss To live happily-ever-after On a day-to-day basis I THINK I WILL A conclusion Is the time and place where

TIME

Now what determines The length of a minute

TYPES

In the world as it is today There are two types of people only Those who divide people into two types And those who aren’t that lonely

UNIQUE

Always remember that you're unique Unequalled, uncommon ces magnifique

UNIQUE

Always remember that you're unique Unequalled, uncommon ces magnifique One of a kind quite special and rare Singular, original, not one of a pair Special, the exceptional you embody Your really unique just like everybody

VERY HEROIC

A coward is nothing

WAIT MATE

The only things that come To those who wait

WATCH THE TIME

A man with one good watch Always knows the time of day But a man with two watches Is never sure what time to say

WATCH THE TIME

A man with one good watch Always knows the time of day But a man with two watches Is never sure what time to say

WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT YOU

Whatever life throws at you The thing you must do

WHAT’S THE POINT OF BEING AN ADULT

What’s the point of being

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU THE BIRD

If on occasion’s life gets you down And things start to get on top of you Just remember some days you're the pigeon And some days you're the statue.

WHO NEEDS THEM

Friends may come

WINDING

Why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts to run

WISE OLD SAGE

It was previously said

WITLESS

If it’s a battle of wits You’re going to engage in

WITLESS

If it’s a battle of wits You’re going to engage in Make sure you’re properly armed Before you begin

YOU ARE NOT MY CUP OF TEA

You are not my cup of tea, though

YOU CAN’T WIN

If failure is attempted

YOU MIGHT WELL BE VERY GOOD

You might well be very good

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SUBSTITUTION

There is absolutely no substitution

SOME PEOPLE ARE UP BEAT

Some people are up beat

A PENNY’S WORTH

Apparently “to put your two pennies worth in” Means that you took your chance to speak

SOME PEOPLE ARE DOWN BEAT

Some people are down beat

IF I KNEW THE FUTURE

If I knew the future and in particular

LIKENED TO A TREE

A dog can be likened to a tree,

YOU CANNOT LIVE YOUR LIFE ON THE SAME PAGE

You cannot live your life on the same page Nor can you reread pages from happier times

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 1

A volunteer is worth Ten pressed men”

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 2

The old saying goes that “A volunteer

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION

Failure is not an option

ONE SECRET TO A HAPPY LIFE # 3

One secret to a happy life Is simply this in my view

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 6

“This will separate the men from the boys”

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 4

Practise what you preach
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Cherry

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 5

Prevention is better than cure

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 3

Practice makes perfect

AS I'VE MATURED

I've learned in my life that it takes years