Planes, Trains And Automobiles

transport related tales

A BICYCLE COULDN'T STAND UP

A bicycle couldn't stand up

A BRIDGE TOO FAR

A truck driver was driving along At a furious rate When the "Low Bridge Ahead." Sign Appeared just too late He braked hard but got stuck And traffic backed up for miles

A COUPLE OF OLD SUCKERS

The position of the dirt bag The sad old loser Is the only difference Between a Harley and a Hoover

A DRIVEN WOMAN

I just got back from the airport It was a journey of some import

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE ……..

It was a terrifying moment when the world seemed to revert to slow motion, and I thank God for that because had it not I would have killed him.

A LIFESAVING TOOL

She bought a lifesaving tool for her car Which for her was quite astute

A MAN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON # 1

A Man in a hot air balloon Has lost his bearings As he slowly floated by

A MAN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON # 2

A Man in a hot air balloon Has lost his bearings

A PEACEFUL END

I want to die peacefully in my sleep

A PEACEFUL END

I want to die peacefully in my sleep Like my grandfather did without a fuss

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

In France they don’t call it a pothole

A SMALL PRANG

I had a crash with another car It was my fault, Granted

A SOLEMN UNDERTAKING

When drivers choose to undertake

A THOUSAND SOULS

A thousand souls Plus half a thousand more

A WING AND A PRAYER

If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,

AFFORD A BEAMER

Have you ever noticed How many cars are BMW's

ALL AT SEA

It was last summer when Uncle John and Aunty May Left Southampton On a cruise ship holiday I wouldn’t like it It was like a holiday camp at sea And just like Butlin's

AM I BOVVERED

She drove in the exit as I drove out And I hit her car with a mighty clout With a chorus of colourful language She got out to inspect the damage Her hair was pulled back from her face

AN AIR OF DISAPPROVAL

I am not embarrassed When the trumpet sounds

AN EMPTY TANGO

An empty tango Tin can Propelled by

APPROVED PARKING

Somebody actually complimented me On my driving today you see. Now I don’t like to gloat But they left a little note On the windscreen of mine, It simply said 'Parking Fine.'

ARE YOU WEARING A SEAT BELT?

Are you wearing a seat belt?

ARE YOU WEARING A STICK ON TATTOO?

Are you wearing a stick on tattoo?

AS WE APPROACHED THE AIRPORT

As we approached the airport

ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL

One in five bad accidents Are caused it seems By drivers who drift off To the land of dreams But drivers who fall

AVIATION ASPIRATION

My daughter wants to be a pilot At first I was a little alarmed

BAGGAGE REGULATIONS

A vulture boarded

BECALMED

We sat becalmed on the cold ocean I wished to see the waters move

BOOKING OFFICE

I requested a train ticket to Paris

BOX

I have often wondered I don’t know why When a plane has fallen from the sky And only the black box has survived Why have the makers never tried To build a plane from the same stuff

BUS FUSS

I was at the bus stop today Waiting for one to go my way One came which worried me a bit So I decided not to catch it Because its destination said “terminus”

CAR DEAL

After passing his driving test, a teenage boy, Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car

CAR LESS AND CARELESS

This observation I have happened to regard People who don't drive Slam car doors too damn hard
Cherry

CAR RUST MEMORIES

I should start by saying that I am not the type of person who views cars as anything other than a tool to get me from A to B.

CLOSE SHAVE

Why is it when? Two planes almost hit It's called a near miss? That doesn't fit It should actually Be called a near hit?

CLUNK CLICK

Clunk click every trip Is the advice of the boffins

COMMUTING

Why must people commute into the city centers?

CONCORDE

Made jointly in Britain and France This thing of beauty and elegance I was at school when she first flew It would not be bested that I knew When a boy it was only a prototype

CRASH PROCEDURE

As the 747 was falling Uncontrollably from the sky

DAYS OUT ON THE WATER

Days out on the water

DON’T PICK UP HITCHHIKERS

“Don’t pick up hitchhikers”

DRIVE CAREFULLY

Drive carefully on life’s highway Please be careful out there It's not only cars that get recalled By their manufacturer

ELEMENTARY TAXI

I jumped into the cab

ESKIMO FISHERMEN

Eskimo fishermen sat shivering in their kayak

FAST CARS

Cars keep getting faster and faster

FAVOURITE CAR

To find our favourite car

FOGHORN LEGHORN’S COOP

Have you ever wondered why?

FROM A TO B

When Going from a to b It's amazing what you see White van man

FURRY, FURRY DICE

Furry, furry dice Nodding dogs that nod all day
Cherry

GIFTED AMATEURS

If someone says they’re an Amateur

GO RYAN

Flying no frills airlines on the cheap With no food served or space to sleep Seats crammed in for them to capitalize The seats only catering for average size

HACKNEY CARRIAGE'S

There is something really special About riding in black London cabs

HAZARDOUS HOSIERY

After an accident on the motorway Involved a number of vehicles today A trailer jackknifed and shed its load Of tights and stockings in the road The spokesperson for the traffic cops

HE WASN’T A SOPHISTICATE

He wasn’t a sophisticate

HOSTESS WITH THE LEASTEST

I was sat on the plane as we crossed the “pond” A trolley dolly approached a breed of which I’m not fond "Would you like dinner?" She said to me smiling falsely

I ALWAYS WEAR A SEAT BELT

I a lways wear a seat belt
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I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV

I bought myself a Satnav I got in the car, turned it on

I DON’T HAVE A SATNAV

I don’t have a Satnav

I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER

I followed a car with a bumper sticker

I HAVE A PHOBIA ABOUT FLYING

I have a phobia about flying

I PICKED UP A HITCHHIKER TODAY

I picked up a hitchhiker today

I SWEAR

You never really learn To swear or cuss Until you learn to drive A car or bus

I TRAVEL ON THE TRAIN TO WIMBLEDON

I travel on the train to Wimbledon

I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC

I was stuck in traffic And cursing they delay

I WENT TO A LECTURE ON TYRE TECHNOLOGY

I went to a lecture on tyre technolog
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IF YOU ARE WONDERING ABOUT THE WHEREABOUTS

If anyone is wondering where all the traffic cones, personnel barriers and sundry mobile street signage have gone I can now reveal their whereabouts.

IF YOU GET INTO DIFFICULTY

If you get into difficulty During the flight

IN HER LITTLE YELLOW BEETLE

I always used to see her

IN MY GHIA

Wherever I drive my Ford Ghia Whether it be far of near

IN ONE RESPECT WE HAVE

In one respect we have,

IN THE EVENT OF ???

When three out of four engines

IN THE TEETH OF A GALE

As the savage seas Pounded the stricken ship Helpless onlookers watched

ITS OFFICIAL, I’M AN OLD MAN

I was sitting in my car, which was parked in a side road behind the church where I was waiting for my wife.

IT’S A FAIR COP

A traffic cop pulled over a young speeding motorist And the impulse to be smug Proved too hard to resist The young man wound down his window without delay

I’VE GOT TO DRIVE MYSELF TO BLACKPOOL

I’ve got to drive myself to Blackpool

JOYS OF THE OPEN ROAD

I used to love to drive but not anymore I used to look forward to it Any excuse but not these days

KEY PLAN

I am always loosing my keys So I have devised a plan

KNIGHTS OF THE ROAD

Mild mannered and the meek Shy and too embarrassed to speak No goose hears them say boo They are hardly noticeable to you Then they get into a car And safe behind the wheel

L&ASNC ROYAL CHARTER

The steamship Royal Charter Was returning to Liverpool In late October 1859

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 1

No matter which road I decide to travel along

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 2

It seems that no matter which road I travel

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 3

It seems that no matter which road I travel

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 4

Is there anything more annoying?

LITTERBUG JITTERBUG

Discarded from a moving car

MEN AND MOTOR'S

My boss has either been struck down by a mid life crisis or the male menopause.

MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP

Mind the gap, mind the gap

MODERN AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERING

Conceived by savants

MY GIRLFRIEND GOT SUNBURNT

My girlfriend got sunburnt

MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS

My Satnav has audible alarms

MY SATNAV IS A VERY HELPFUL DEVICE

My Satnav is a very helpful device

MY SATNAV IS WORSE THAN MY WIFE

My satnav is worse than my wife
Cherry

NIGHTMARE FLIGHT

The nightmare that keeps me up at nights

NO FRILLS

Ryan air have had to execute Disembarkation via escape chutes

NO FRILLS, MORE BILLS

No frills airlines will get your money My fair means or by foul

NOT EVEN GOD

Their arrogant confidence Was unshrinkable

OH LOOK A FLY

As I drove one day, I saw a fly I saw it as it caught my eye What went through its mind I wondered as it flew blind And it hit the windscreen glass? It was almost certainly its arse

ON THE CONCORDIA

The most popular drink on the Concordia

ON THE TITANIC

The most popular drink on the Titanic

ON THE WAY TO MAYBURY HILL

As a young man H.G. Wells had spent an unhappy time living with an aunt in Horsell which was then close to Woking and is now part of the overall sprawl..

OUT IN THE COUNTRY

Driving down country lanes Top down, wind in my hair

OUT IN THE COUNTRY, AGAIN

When driving the byways

OUT OF SERVICE

There was a ship rotting in a naval dock I asked a man if he knew its history

OVER ENGINEERED

Every time I start my car A light glows on the dash

PEOPLE WATCHING

What I like to do while I am waiting Is indulge in some people watching Young Turks all suited and booted Business types are pin stripe suited Old aged women dressed in tweed

PICK ME UP TOMMY

When I was getting into my car, A man came running up to me And said "Can you Give me a lift?" My reply left him a little miffed "Sure, you look great, you look fit

QUEUE JUMPERS

Outside a popular night club

REALLY ANNOYING DRIVERS (acrostics)

Red light jumpers Especially those peddling bikes Articulated Lorries in the outside lane Lads that show off to impress their mates Ladies who really ought to know better

RED ARROWS

Red Arrows way up high

RED FERRARI

Me and a Red Ferrari

RED MINI

My dad bought a new red Mini He had it parked up at home

REPELLING BOARDERS

She stood at the departure gate Smiling and checking boarding passes Dealing with the happy and the mad The good the bad and the silly arses When a tottering man approached

RHETORICAL EMERGENCY

There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion Is an ambulance driver required? To pull over if a siren is heard?

RHETORICAL WAY

There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion How come Hawaii at any rate Does not have an interstate

RNLI – THE WRECK OF THE ROHILLA

When the Rohilla Struck Whitby rock On the Saltwick reef

ROAD HOGS

Some drivers are so selfish

ROAD RAGE

On the road someone cut me up today So he'd know that he was in my way I hit the horn long and hard but alas It was not working damn and blast So I flashed the lights at him instead Then realization came into my head

ROAD RAGE # 2

I hate driving I hate what it does to me

ROYAL ETIQUETTE

I f you can’t turn your back

RUSH HOUR VIEWS

It was Monday morning again The kids were back to school And I sat in a jam No better or worse Than any other Monday My car came to a stop Beside the drive of a large house Long past its best

SAD SAM

I have nothing at all against hobbies after all I have one or two of my own. For some people hobbies are sports based like

SAFE AS SAFE

If flying is so safe So safe you’re invulnerable Why do they call? The airport the terminal?

SHIP RAGE

The silence of a foggy night in the fall Was shattered suddenly by a radio call “Unknown vessel divert your course please And steer to the north by fifteen degrees

SHIPPING

Why is it when you transport something? By car it’s called a shipment But when you transport something On a ship it’s called a cargo consignment

SMART CAR OWNER

Just remember the next time You’re stuck in the snow and slush That size really does matter So never buy a car you can't push.

SO WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURS?

Most men if pressed would not admit to giving a name to an inanimate object. Well I can tell you now that 90% of them would be lying and the rest didn't understand the question.

SPLASH OUT

I was at a garage today And at the next pump there was a porno star Just as the fuel began to flow He took out the nozzle and sprayed over the car

STRANGERS ON A TRAIN

She had blocked the corridor And I had blocked her passage

THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED

The Airplane was invented

THE BIKER AND THE PRETTY MISS

A big tattooed hairy biker Noticed as he was riding by

THE BLUE JEAN BOY

The blue jean boy His black Perfecto Over his white T

THE CHILDREN LIKE TO SING

The children like to sing

THE ENGLISH ELECTRIC LIGHTNING

The English Electric Lightning Was a supersonic jet fighter

THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE

I was driving to work this morning It was just as the day was dawning

THE MIRACLE OF FLIGHT

It has been said that the miracle of aviation

THE PLANE TRUTH

I would like to un-invent the aeroplane It has shrunken the world too much You can fly to Sydney the same day But so can so and so or such and such Package tours take you far and wide

THE RED DUSTER

The British merchantmen

THE RED ENSIGN

The unsung heroes sail

THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY

The roads were uneven and bumpy, Potholed and rutted

THE ROYAL CHARTER STORM

The Royal Charter storm Which blew up out of the Irish Sea

THE SHORT EMPIRE

The Short Empire Was a medium range

THE SIMPLE TRUTH OF AVIATION

The simple truth Up in the skies

THE SQUIRT CUT ME UP

I was driving my wife's car the other day And someone cut me up while on my way The problem is that things are less familiar

THE TOM TOM BLUES

I want to get a Tom Tom Or any make of Satnav

THE WHITE HORIZONTAL PLUME

The white horizontal plume Streams in its wake

THE WORLD HAS BECOME A SMALLER PLACE

The world has become a smaller place

THERE'S NOWT SO QUEER AS FOLK

Like laboratory mice in a maze we are conditioned and set on their path. It all begins at 6.45 AM when the car pulls off

TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES

The highways departmentt have decided In a review of speed management

TRANSPORT AND TRAVEL

BOWLED A BMW I like to take driving holidays abroad Last year it was Belgium and the lowlands But the year I went down to Berlin Wasn’t anywhere as good as Holland

TRAVEL AND TRANSPORT

RHETORICAL EMERGENCY AGAIN There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion Why are there flotation devices Under aeroplane seat crev-ices, In the unlikely event of a crisis

TRAVEL AND TRANSPORT

WEAR SOMETHING WHITE Please wear something white at night That’s what we were told was right But just you take care when it snows And take advice from one who knows

UNDER A SLATE GREY SKY

Under a slate grey sky Or against a back drop of blue Crossing bridges

UP UP AND AWAY

A man is travelling high in a hot air balloon He knows he needs to find his bearings soon He has no idea at all of longitude or latitude Realizing he is lost he decides to reduce altitude

WEAR SOMETHING WHITE

Please wear something white at night That’s what we were told was right

WHAT CAR?

When I was buying My very first car The adverts really

WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURS?

Most people if pressed would not admit to giving a name to an inanimate object. Well I can tell you now that 90% of them would be lying and the rest didn't understand the question.

What’s Yours Called?

Most people if pressed would not admit to giving a name to an inanimate object, especially men. Well I can tell you now that 90% of them would be lying and the rest probably didn’t understand the question.

WHEN I IGNORED THE SATNAV

When I ignored the Satnav

WHEN WE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE

When we reached cruising altitude

WHERE ARE WE?

What a strange world we now inhabit, a world in which people are seemingly incapable of going ten

WISE PROVERB

A man who runs in front of a car Gets tyred I think you’ll find Where as he will undoubtedly Get exhausted if he runs behind

WORDS OF WISDOM # 1

It seems to me That wherever I go, The world's worst drivers Have gone there also

WORLDS END

It is said that if you were To line up end to end All the cars in the world,

YEARS AGO I BOUGHT A CAR

Years ago I bought a car Second hand, not new

YOU’LL NEVER GUESS I BET

You’ll never guess I bet What it is that you get

MORE TO BE PITIED THAN SCOLDED

In this world some people are very selfish Who consider no one else in the world at all I am thinking of one particular individual I encountered at the Methodist church hall

OMNIBUS ETIQUETTE

“When I was on the bus with Dad, He told me to give up my seat to a lady”'

THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF DRIVER

There are three types of driver on our roads

MY WIFE MADE ME GO CAR HUNTING WITH HER

My wife made me go car hunting with her