Planes, Trains And Automobiles
transport related tales
A truck driver was driving along At a furious rate When the "Low Bridge Ahead." Sign Appeared just too late He braked hard but got stuck And traffic backed up for miles
The position of the dirt bag The sad old loser Is the only difference Between a Harley and a Hoover
It was a terrifying moment when the world seemed to revert to slow motion, and I thank God for that because had it not I would have killed him.
A Man in a hot air balloon Has lost his bearings As he slowly floated by
It was last summer when Uncle John and Aunty May Left Southampton On a cruise ship holiday I wouldn’t like it It was like a holiday camp at sea And just like Butlin's
She drove in the exit as I drove out And I hit her car with a mighty clout With a chorus of colourful language She got out to inspect the damage Her hair was pulled back from her face
Somebody actually complimented me On my driving today you see. Now I don’t like to gloat But they left a little note On the windscreen of mine, It simply said 'Parking Fine.'
One in five bad accidents Are caused it seems By drivers who drift off To the land of dreams But drivers who fall
I have often wondered I don’t know why When a plane has fallen from the sky And only the black box has survived Why have the makers never tried To build a plane from the same stuff
I was at the bus stop today Waiting for one to go my way One came which worried me a bit So I decided not to catch it Because its destination said “terminus”
This observation I have happened to regard People who don't drive Slam car doors too damn hard
I should start by saying that I am not the type of person who views cars as anything other than a tool to get me from A to B.
Why is it when? Two planes almost hit It's called a near miss? That doesn't fit It should actually Be called a near hit?
Made jointly in Britain and France This thing of beauty and elegance I was at school when she first flew It would not be bested that I knew When a boy it was only a prototype
Drive carefully on life’s highway Please be careful out there It's not only cars that get recalled By their manufacturer
Flying no frills airlines on the cheap With no food served or space to sleep Seats crammed in for them to capitalize The seats only catering for average size
After an accident on the motorway Involved a number of vehicles today A trailer jackknifed and shed its load Of tights and stockings in the road The spokesperson for the traffic cops
I was sat on the plane as we crossed the “pond” A trolley dolly approached a breed of which I’m not fond "Would you like dinner?" She said to me smiling falsely
If anyone is wondering where all the traffic cones, personnel barriers and sundry mobile street signage have gone I can now reveal their whereabouts.
I was sitting in my car, which was parked in a side road behind the church where I was waiting for my wife.
A traffic cop pulled over a young speeding motorist And the impulse to be smug Proved too hard to resist The young man wound down his window without delay
I used to love to drive but not anymore I used to look forward to it Any excuse but not these days
Mild mannered and the meek Shy and too embarrassed to speak No goose hears them say boo They are hardly noticeable to you Then they get into a car And safe behind the wheel
As I drove one day, I saw a fly I saw it as it caught my eye What went through its mind I wondered as it flew blind And it hit the windscreen glass? It was almost certainly its arse
As a young man H.G. Wells had spent an unhappy time living with an aunt in Horsell which was then close to Woking and is now part of the overall sprawl..
What I like to do while I am waiting Is indulge in some people watching Young Turks all suited and booted Business types are pin stripe suited Old aged women dressed in tweed
When I was getting into my car, A man came running up to me And said "Can you Give me a lift?" My reply left him a little miffed "Sure, you look great, you look fit
Red light jumpers Especially those peddling bikes Articulated Lorries in the outside lane Lads that show off to impress their mates Ladies who really ought to know better
She stood at the departure gate Smiling and checking boarding passes Dealing with the happy and the mad The good the bad and the silly arses When a tottering man approached
There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion Is an ambulance driver required? To pull over if a siren is heard?
There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion How come Hawaii at any rate Does not have an interstate
On the road someone cut me up today So he'd know that he was in my way I hit the horn long and hard but alas It was not working damn and blast So I flashed the lights at him instead Then realization came into my head
It was Monday morning again The kids were back to school And I sat in a jam No better or worse Than any other Monday My car came to a stop Beside the drive of a large house Long past its best
I have nothing at all against hobbies after all I have one or two of my own. For some people hobbies are sports based like
If flying is so safe So safe you’re invulnerable Why do they call? The airport the terminal?
The silence of a foggy night in the fall Was shattered suddenly by a radio call “Unknown vessel divert your course please And steer to the north by fifteen degrees
Why is it when you transport something? By car it’s called a shipment But when you transport something On a ship it’s called a cargo consignment
Just remember the next time You’re stuck in the snow and slush That size really does matter So never buy a car you can't push.
Most men if pressed would not admit to giving a name to an inanimate object. Well I can tell you now that 90% of them would be lying and the rest didn't understand the question.
I was at a garage today And at the next pump there was a porno star Just as the fuel began to flow He took out the nozzle and sprayed over the car
I would like to un-invent the aeroplane It has shrunken the world too much You can fly to Sydney the same day But so can so and so or such and such Package tours take you far and wide
I was driving my wife's car the other day And someone cut me up while on my way The problem is that things are less familiar
Like laboratory mice in a maze we are conditioned and set on their path. It all begins at 6.45 AM when the car pulls off
BOWLED A BMW I like to take driving holidays abroad Last year it was Belgium and the lowlands But the year I went down to Berlin Wasn’t anywhere as good as Holland
RHETORICAL EMERGENCY AGAIN There is a rhetorical question That gives me indigestion Why are there flotation devices Under aeroplane seat crev-ices, In the unlikely event of a crisis
WEAR SOMETHING WHITE Please wear something white at night That’s what we were told was right But just you take care when it snows And take advice from one who knows
A man is travelling high in a hot air balloon He knows he needs to find his bearings soon He has no idea at all of longitude or latitude Realizing he is lost he decides to reduce altitude
Most people if pressed would not admit to giving a name to an inanimate object. Well I can tell you now that 90% of them would be lying and the rest didn't understand the question.
Most people if pressed would not admit to giving a name to an inanimate object, especially men. Well I can tell you now that 90% of them would be lying and the rest probably didn’t understand the question.
What a strange world we now inhabit, a world in which people are seemingly incapable of going ten
A man who runs in front of a car Gets tyred I think you’ll find Where as he will undoubtedly Get exhausted if he runs behind
It seems to me That wherever I go, The world's worst drivers Have gone there also
In this world some people are very selfish Who consider no one else in the world at all I am thinking of one particular individual I encountered at the Methodist church hall