THE PROFESSIONALS

Tales Of The Professions

A SEISMIC SHIFT

An eminent professor thought

ACTION

My younger sister Reckons she's an actress She's not a very good one I should stress And her type of films Tend to have no plot Mum says she's in Hollywood Doing a pilot

ARE YOU WEARING A CASSOCK?

Are you wearing a cassock? As you kneel on a hassock

ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH MAID’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a French maid’s outfit? Does it come with all the kit?

ARE YOU WEARING PRIESTLY GARMENTS?

Are you wearing priestly garments? How good you look in your vestments

AU PAIR

The meaning of the term

BEFORE AND AFTER AT THE SALON

Before Well you look a little sallow Right down to the marrow

BRITISH GAS FIVE STAR

I can remember a time In the dim and distant past

BUILDING ENQUIRY

I rang up a local building company With an enquiry like you do

DO IT ON THE SIDE

Simon the landscape gardening man Will turn his hand to what he can So not just gardens attract his attention Its not just horticultural dedication It’s to the wives of clients he is drawn

FALLEN FROM GRACE

When the Vicar and the fallen woman Were discovered in embrace, I was shocked

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Don’t talk to me about

HOSTILE WITNESS

"You appear to have more than Average intelligence for a man Of your background and career" The Lawyer spoke with a sneer To the poor witness on the stand Who was unhappy you understand

I WORK AT THE MET OFFICE

I work at the met office

I'VE JUST HEARD THE WINDOW CLEANER

I've just heard the window cleaner

IT’S NOT THE SAINTED CORPS

It’s not the sainted corps

LEGAL EAGLES

DON THE BRIEF If you listen I will tell you exactly what you get Let me tell you slowly so that you wont forget If you were to cross the Godfather with a legal man

LEGAL EAGLES 2

VERY TART A Lawyer is nothing like a Whore And that’s certainly has been said Because any ordinary Prostitute Stops screwing you when your dead A BRIEF RUN DOWN

LEGAL EAGLES 3

DRACULA,DRACULA,NOSFERATU AND VLAD A lawyer is not unlike a Vampire Though that’s not exactly right For any self respecting Vampire Will only suck blood at night DOG OR CUR

LESBIAN CARPENTER

My sister has an unusual trade, She is a lesbian carpenter

LIVING FROM HAND TO MOUTH

She was a manicurist He was a dentist

MY DAD HAD TO HAVE HIS CAT PUT DOWN

My Dad had to have his cat put down It was all terribly sad

MY MUM WENT TO THE SALON

My mum went to the salon

MY SISTER IS A GIANT IN JOURNALISM

My sister is a giant in journalism

ONE IN A MILLION

A journalist is exactly like a Sperm I can hear you disagreeing

PRIVATE PARTS

A young man joined the army And he was known as Private Parts But he was never meant for soldiering The was clear right from the start He was always finding trouble

PROFESSIONAL BLUNDERS

The medical profession can always Bury their mistakes deeply

PROFESSIONALS

Doctors, dentists, lawyers And all that professional lot Are only ever on time for appointments When you're not

SAVED

The Salvation Army tries to perform The thankless task of social reform Treading the weary path to glory Saving poor girls from Iniquity If they are saving fallen women

SCUBA TECHNIQUE

Have you ever wondered why it is? When sitting on the edge of the boat

SHAMELESS SHAZZA

We must pay her now A King’s ransom

SHOPPING ASSISTANCE

I went into an electrical shop And could find no one to assist

SNACK TIME

When he’s making clocks

SNOW SHOW

A weather man predicted snow But he didn’t get it right So the female anchor on the show Asked to our delight "So Bob, where's that 8 inches! You promised me last night?"

STEALING AN EMBRACE

If you have sex with a prostitute

THE DENTISTS CHAIR

In the dentists chair I lie I am not brave I think I'll cry He turns to me my tooth to fill

THE FIRE OFFICER’S INSPECTION

The fire officer did his inspection today

THE LIGHTHOUSE

The Lighthouse, with Lantern burning bright

TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS

Today I saw two bankers Two pin stripe suited wankers

VILLAINY BILLANY

Leonard Billany was a solicitor Of the ambulance chasing sort And he would go to any lengths To get some poor soul into court Now Leonard has earned himself A reputation for barefaced lying

WEATHER OR NOT

The weather types keep on issuing they’re warning And they keep bleating on about global warming They even know the temperature to within a degree

WITH SALT WATER BLOOD

With salt water blood The valiant mariners

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT

If you are arrested for being violent You have the right to remain silent If you are dealing with the gutter press You still have the same rights I guess Anything you do say, however true

MY UNCLE IS A JOVIAL MAN

My uncle is a jovial man and at home

THE HEAD CHEF

The head chef At my favourite restaurant

MY SISTER IS INTO PHOTOGRAPHY

My sister is into photography
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MY FATHER IN LAW IS A PHYSICIST

My father in law is a Physicist

THE DISTRESSED LIBRARIAN

We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!

NUMBERS GUY

My next-door neighbour is a mathematician

I USED TO WORK IN A PLANT

I used to work in a plant

MY GREAT UNCLE IS A SCIENTIST

My Great Uncle is a scientist