SENIOR MOMENTS

 

50 SOMETHING

So you’re 50 something No need to feel so glum

A BRIGHT OUTLOOK

I woke up this morning In the early morning light

A LITTLE OFF THE TOP

On my last visit to the hair dresser I was asked “Something for the weekend sir”? Well I was taken aback without a doubt I replied “Do you have any tiling grout”?

A LOT OF AGE

You simply have to face it You are getting old like as not When "getting lucky" means You can find your car in the parking lot.

A MEASURED REFLECTION

When I was young

A PENSIONER’S BEDTIME

A pensioner’s bedtime

A QUESTION OF BALDING

My head is completely devoid

A SENIOR MOMENT ON THE TOWN

After I’ve been painting the town red It’s not the drink that does my head Its waiting so long that gets my goat Before I can apply a second coat

A SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF

In your younger days Your figure was quite svelte

A TIMELY REFLECTION

I am feeling my age

A WORTHWHILE PURSUIT

Since I happily retired I have the reason and rhyme

AGED IN THE WOOD

I think that I can say With some certainty That age is too high a price To pay for maturity

AGEING IS LIKE FINE WINE

Ageing is like fine wine

AGEING POPULATION

In the future, maybe forty years or so

AGES OF MAN

You were once a good boy Mummy’s pride and joy Then you grew into a nice kid Because of the things you did Then you progressed to be a great guy It just happened you don’t know why

AN ILL WIND

An elderly couple were in church When about halfway through, May leant over and whispered In the ear of her husband Lou, 'I just let out a silent fart What do you think I should do?'

ANOTHER SENIOR MOMENT

My eyes require an examination So I have to visit to the optician As I walk along I can see the sign

APPARENTLY OWNING A DOG

Apparently owning a dog

ARE YOU WEARING A CONDOM?

Are you wearing a condom?

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DISAPPOINTMENT?

Are you wearing a look of disappointment?

ARE YOU WEARING A PONYTAIL?

Are you wearing a ponytail? Don’t you think that look is stale?

ARE YOU WEARING A SLEEPSUIT?

Are you wearing a sleepsuit?

ARE YOU WEARING ADULT CLOTHES?

Are you wearing adult clothes?

ARE YOU WEARING BOOTS?

Are you wearing boots?

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BEST SUIT?

Are you wearing your best suit?

ASK A STUPID QUESTION

A local reporter Asks an old lady at her leisure

AT LONG DISTANT HILLS

In my youth I looked fearlessly At long distant hills

AT MY ADVANCED AGE

At my advanced age I've seen it all

AT ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF AGE SHE WAS ASKED

At one hundred years of age she was asked

ATTRACTION

I’m overweight I know But it’s not my fault though

AUTUMN REFLECTIONS

I stood on the wet sand On that cold autumn morning In the autumn of my years

BENEATH THE STRIPY POLE

I don’t like hair stylists Or unisex hairdressers Salons with Women in smocks Streaking and creating coiffures When the time is right for me I go to an old fashioned Barbers

BIRTHDAY BLUES

Is another birthday looming? Is another milestone coming into view? Well don’t fret about it Behind the clouds it’s always blue Birthdays are a good thing Even the milestone years too

BOOF IS AN ACRONYM

BOOF is an acronym

BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD

Do you know why it is? That old people like to keep a pet

CARE FOR THE ELDERLY

Old age is not caring so Where your spouse goes As long as you don't have to go

CHERIO CHILDHOOD

When I was a kid I was fussy about breakfast cereal But only because

CHRONIC CONTRADICTION

I am definitely not getting past it

CLASSIC, GENUINE AND UNIQUE

They all seem to describe you

CLUBBING IT

I have started to think that dads to old For clubbing but he just will not be told He refuses even to listen to my chatter And doesn’t see why age should matter

COMIC CUTS

In the seventies My parents Begged me to cut my hair Now I’m in my seventies I beg my grandson Not to shave his head

CONSTITUTIONAL

Old Joe shuffled his way Along the promenade one day He decided it was time to stop As he passed an ice cream shop He moved slowly and painfully And climbed on a stool carefully

CRAFT IS AN ACRONYM

CRAFT is an acronym for

CRAP CARS

In the seventies I hoped for a BM Which was German motor car Now I’m in my seventies I’m hoping for a BM But now it’s a bowel movement

CROCODILE ROCK

You know you’re getting old When friends that you greet Admire your new alligator shoes And you have nothing on your feet

CRS

I’ve been diagnosed with CRS

DANCING TO HIP HOP

I like breakin’ and poppin’

DAREDEVILS

# 1 To do something daring That is my wish Like eating cup-a-soup From a dish # 2 Some activities in life Since time began Build your self esteem Like no others can

DEAD CERTAIN

A senior couple were lying in bed one morning. Just as a new day was dawning

DEFLATED

I used to rise at dawn And marvel at my erection

DEFYING GRAVITY # 1

With such widespread use of breast implants

DEFYING GRAVITY # 2

With so many treatments for erectile dysfunction

DEMENTIA

I think my grandparents Are suffering from dementia Because granddad asked my gran As they sat together on the sofa “Whatever happened To our sexual relations dear?”

DIPPED OUT

In the dim and distant past When I was young and free

DIVIDING OPINION

Because of the obvious risk That one of us might fall

DOG-DAY AFTERNOON

I start in the morning With a spring in my step

DON’T THROW ME ON THE SCRAP HEAP

Don’t throw me on the scrap heap Just because I’m old

DON’T THROW ME ON THE SCRAP HEAP

Don’t throw me on the scrap heap Just because I’m old

EVEN MORE SENIOR MOMENTS

UP TO A SENIOR MOMENT One of the problems with old age And there are a few at this late stage Apart from my weakened bladder Is when I reach the top of the ladder

EVERGREEN

In my youth I was often heard to say “Whatever”

FAREWELL TO YOUTH

I’m getting old My youth has been relinquished

FEEL YOUR AGE

You know I still feel

FIRST SIGNS OF AGEING

She looked in the mirror

FOR MY 60TH BIRTHDAY

For my 60th birthday I bought myself a sports car

FORGETFUL

I forget names; I forget faces;

GAME OF LIFE

What I want to know is why it is that Now I have become one of the old farts And I’m finally holding all the cards Every one else decides to play darts

GERIATRIC DOCTOR

The Doctor on the geriatric ward Placed his stethoscope

GETTING OLD

There are signs of getting old That are enough to flip your lids For example the page three girls Are all younger than your kids

GO SOUTH

Now I’m getting on The time has come As winter approaches To head towards the sun To head south for the winter Like the ducks before me But it’s with regret I have to say

GOD HELP ME

In my latter years I only ask That God grant me in my senility To forget people I never liked at any rate And the good fortune To run into the people that I do like

GODS GRACE

Little Grace sat hugging her granddad “Did God make you granddad”? She said

GOODBYE CHILDHOOD

You know you have reached the end of your childhood When Christmas is a lot of work and Naps are good When Saturday mornings are now just for sleeping

GRAVITY SUCKS

You know you’re getting old And youth has gone without a trace When going bra-less Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

GROWING OLD TOGETHER

Growing old together

GROWTH SPURTS

When I was in my teens I was regarded as unusual

HAIR TODAY

I’m losing my hair so fast now It's vanishing without a trace I noticed it because everyday It takes longer to wash my face

HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS

I have come to the conclusion That old age just isn’t fair

HAPPY HOURS

I always liked happy hour

HARRY, LARRY AND BARRY

Three old friends walking from The old folks retirement home "Windy, isn't it?" said Harry

HEAD OF YEAR

In the fifties My greatest fear Was being called to see the headmaster

HEART STOPPER

When a sexy young girl Bends down to pick Her car keys off the floor You know that you are old When your pacemaker Opens the garage door

HOMO ERECTUS

When I get up in the morning gloom I head straight for the bathroom

HOTEL PARADISO

From their hotel restaurant The couple sat at a table Admiring the view It was an unfamiliar view With just a hint of familiarity Like recognizing the features Of a very distant relative

HOW MANY PENSIONERS DOES IT TAKE?

How many pensioners does it take?

HOW OLD WAS YOUR HUSBAND?

“How old was your husband?” Asked the undertaker

I DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT

I don’t complain about My silver hair and wrinkled face

I DON’T THINK OF YOU AS OLD

I don’t think of you as old

I DOUBT IT BUT IF IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE

I doubt it but if it’s actually true,

I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU

I fell in love with you When you were glam

I HAVE FOUND AT MY AGE

I have found at my age When the day is dawning

I HAVE SIX POINTS ON MY LICENCE

I have six points on my licence

I MAY HAVE GOLD TEETH

I may have gold teeth Showing when I grin

I MUST BE GETTING ON

There are certain little signs to tell When your years are getting on in life Like the little gray-haired old lady You help across the road IS your wife

I UNDERSTAND THAT GETTING OLD TODAY

I understand that getting old today

I WAS VITAL AND VIGOROUS

When I was young I was vital and vigorous

I'VE NEVER REALLY DOUBTED YOUR AGE

I've never really doubted your age

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, It wouldn’t travel very far And I would begin To think of a trade in I've got bumps and dents Scratches and rents My paintwork is dull And its time for a cull

IN ATTENDANCE

The only reason so many people Were at the mans funeral, It’s said

IN THE AUTUMN OF MY YEARS

In the autumn of my years

IN THE NINETIES WE ALL LOVED TO DANCE

In the nineties we all loved to dance along to

IT ALWAYS LOOKS BETTER LOOKING BACK

I MUST BE GETTING ON There are certain little signs to tell When your years are getting on in life Like the little gray-haired old lady You help across the road IS your wife

IT'S NATURAL TO BECOME QUIETER AS WE AGE

It's natural to become quieter as we age

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I’M SEVENTY THREE

It’s my birthday today and I’m seventy three

I’M AT THE STAGE IN LIFE

I’m at the stage in life When I’m sometimes forgetful

I’M BUSY DOING NOTHING

At breakfast my wife asked me What I was doing today

I’M HAPPIER NOW I’VE GOTTEN OLDER

I’m happier now I’ve gotten older,

JUMP TO IT

If an elderly man were a young maid to take There’d be a delay before Love they could make He’d need to have something essential if he can A set of jump leads connected to a younger man

LABOUR SAVING THINGAMAJIGS

At my age I can safely say I do not need more gizmo’s

LIFE AFTER SIXTY

My fathers always been a bit of a lad And he has been since way back when Even though he’s now getting on a bit He hasn’t changed and he’s at it again

MAN OF ACTION

You simply have to face it You are getting old I’d say When "getting a little action" means You don't need to take any fibre today

MEASURING SUCCESS

When I was four years old, Not wetting my pants was a successful day When I was twelve years old, Simply having friends was success I’d say When I was seventeen years old,

MEMORIES ON A GREY AFTERNOON

I sat in my comfortable chair Looking out at the greyness

MEMORIES ON A GREY AFTERNOON

I sat in my comfortable chair Looking out at the greyness Comfortable and warm And my thoughts strayed to distant days And i began to reflect I had reached a point in my life

MEMORY MAN

I remember the words To every number one

MENOPAUSE FOR THOUGHT

There is a natural order in life There are rules to be understood For example bearing children There is a time limit on motherhood The term “child bearing years”

MIDDLE AGE BLUES

Too old to be young Too young to be old Too old for Armani Too young for a cardie Too old for flash trainers Too young for carpet slippers Too old to work Too young to retire

MIDDLE AGED SEAT

I’m in my middle years now And my new car is a wow It’s fast, new and sporty

MIDDLE AGED SEAT

I’m in my middle years now And my new car is a wow

MIDDLE AGED WISDOM part 1

THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 1 In life there are people Who love you dearly But just don't know how To show it clearly THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 2 I found that by simply sending

MIDDLE AGED WISDOM part 2

THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 5 No matter what happens, I’m at peace as I now know It doesn’t matter how bad it seems today It doesn’t matter what the pain or sorrow Life does go on,

MIDDLE-AGED CONTRACEPTION

I have found that at my age

MILESTONE 70 # 2

You gain knowledge, dignity

MORE SENIOR MOMENTS

GOD HELP ME In my latter years I only ask That God grant me in my senility To forget people I never liked at any rate And the good fortune To run into the people that I do like

MY 50TH

My 50th was approaching A milestone for us males

MY HEART CARRIES TOO MANY SORROWS

My heart carries too many sorrows Now my yesterdays out weigh my tomorrows

MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

As I stood on my drive I saw cracking little lass

MY REGIMEN IS NON-STOP

My regimen is non-stop

MY UNCLE JOHN IS RETIRED

My Uncle John is retired He does miss work, he says

NEWS FLASH

News flash: Wrinkles don't hurt.

NO FAIR

Life is indeed grossly unfair Now I’m older and still have my wits I’ve finally got me head together And my body is now falling to bits

NOSTALGIA AINT WHAT IT USED TO BE

You had to switch the telly on For at least ten minutes or so In order that the set warmed up In time for your favorite show On Sunday after traditional lunch We then sat down as a family

NOTHING

When I was a young man I started out with nothing

NOTHING TO LOSE

Here's the rub and I’m not bluffing I started out in life with nothing, And after several years of shit I can say I still have most of it

OCTOGENARIAN CUDDLE

Eighty-year-old Ada Said to husband Hugh

OH DEAR WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE

Oh dear what can the matter be Three old ladies locked in the lavatory

OH HON

When.your wife says, "Let’s go upstairs and make love, hon." You know that you are old When you can do only one

OLD

Old man’s withered fingers, On a gnarled arthritic hand,

OLD AGE IS A STATE OF MIND

Old age is a state of mind Don’t be miserable about it You don’t need to get uptight Or have a hissy fit You can still have fun Don’t let your heart get cold You don’t stop laughing

OLD AND WISE

The older you get If you ever get there The better you realize What you were

OLD BUZZARD

I have come to the conclusion Which is quite worrying

OLD JOKE

The unfortunate truth is sadly That growing older is mandatory But what is also true for all

OLD LADY OF THE HOUSE

How do you get a sweet little old lady? To say rude lingo? Just get another sweet little old lady To shout out BINGO!

OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR

If when you look in the mirror And you see NO beer belly

OLD SHOW

Watch for signs of getting old When it happens you’ll just know

ONCE I ROCKED YOUR WORLD

Once I rocked your world

ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 1

One of the great beneficial

OUT OF REACH

A total lack of fitness Is among my many woes But I’m sure if God intended me To repeatedly touch my toes I think he would have put them On my knees or elbows

OVER THE HILL

As a young man in the full flower of youth

PB

I beat my own previous Personal best everyday

PEARL OF WISDOM

In my youth The world was my oyster

PENSIONERS DON’T COUNT PENNIES

Pensioners don’t count pennies

PLAYTEX WOMAN

What with middle age spread And the force of gravity Time has played havoc

PROCEED WITH CAUTION

You know yore getting old So let the protests cease

Q & A AGAIN

Now I’m getting on yearly I know all the answers nearly

RETIRED PEOPLE DON’T CARE BEING

Retired people don’t care being

RETIRED?

I was tired yesterday

SCATTERED TO SHATTERED

My youthful wild oats From way back when

SEND FOR THE UNDERTAKER

Oh God I feel so old

SENILE VIRUS

Send the same email twice Emails are sent blank No emails are sent to the right person I t makes you forward the mail back to the person who sent it to you

SENIOR APPEARANCE

Time may be a great healer As people often say But time is a lousy beautician Is all I have to say

SENIOR BRIGHT SIDE

There are benefits to getting old

SENIOR BUFFER

I went into PC World With a print error

SENIOR CLASSES

The biggest advantage

SENIOR COLUMN

I wake up in the morning

SENIOR CONTRACEPTION

Jimmy was in his seventies And took himself a young wife

SENIOR CONVERSE

You should not as a general rule Engage in converse in anyway

SENIOR COURTING

I have met a woman online A fellow silver surfer

SENIOR DAREDEVIL

I have reached the age That when I’m out driving And I go through a tunnel I find it very exciting

SENIOR DILEMMA

Why is it that as I get older

SENIOR DIVAN

I’m now officially old

SENIOR FACT OF LIFE

Getting older is a fact of life Even if not welcome at all But if growing old is mandatory Remember growing up is optional

SENIOR FORCAST

Since I’ve been retired

SENIOR HIGH

I haven’t felt myself lately The symptoms seldom vary Lethargy, listlessness and apathy

SENIOR JOINT

In the sixties I looked forward To Going to a new, hip joint Now I’m in my sixties I look forward To receiving a new hip joint

SENIOR JOINTS

If after the age of sixty years I think this is safely said

SENIOR LIFT

I’m now officially old

SENIOR MAN

In the seventies Seeds and stems Were for chilling out Now I’m in my seventies Seeds and stems Are roughage

SENIOR MIGRATION

In the seventies I moved to California Because it was cool Now I’m in my seventies I’ve moved to Arizona Because it's warm

SENIOR MOMENT

I had a drink or two last night So I thought it best not to drive

SENIOR MOMENT AT THE SALON

I walked into a hair salon With my mother in law one day With a shop full of customers I proceeded to loudly say "How much do you charge For a shampoo and a blow job?"

SENIOR MOVIE STARS

If you lived n the seventies You were thought to be cool If you looked like Marlon Brando Or Liz Taylor If you’re in your seventies You are thought to be a fool

SENIOR MUSING

Why is it easier? To get older Than it is To get wiser

SENIOR NETWORKING

A young lady I met in the street

SENIOR PHARMACY

When I go to the chemist

SENIOR PRESERVE

Now I’m getting older I’ve rejected the health food creed I don’t want supplements Extractions from nut and seed I don’t want organically grown Its preservatives that I need

SENIOR REPORT

All reports are in I have to declare It’s now confirmed Life is officially unfair

SENIOR RETIREMENT

At last I’m retired

SENIOR REVELATION

One day you look in the mirror

SENIOR ROCK

In the seventies I was into Acid Rock Now I’m in my seventies I’m into Acid Reflux

SENIOR SENSATION

When I was young I loved the roller coaster The thrill and sensation Nothing could compare Now I’m getting old With my salt and pepper hair I get the same sensation From my rocking chair

SENIOR SPEED

People speed For many reasons

SENIOR SYSTEMS

In the sixties We all thought screw the system Now we’re in our sixties We all have to upgrade the system

SENIOR TESTS

In the seventies I was thrilled When I passed my driving test Now I’m in my seventies I’m thrilled When I pass my sight test

SENIOR TIME

You know yore getting old You simply have to face it When an "all-nighter" means Not getting up to use the toilet

SENIOR TRIP

I tripped and fell In my house today I wasn’t hurt But as on the floor I lay I wondered to myself In that senior way Was there any task to do As I’m down here anyway

SENIOR TRUTH

If I must tell the truth about getting old, Then I shall put all my cards on the table

SENIOR WEEK

Since I’ve been retired

SENIOR WINE

Forget the Pinot Grigio and its ilk

SENIOR WISDOM

Wisdom comes with age Is a saying that is sage What isn’t always known Age sometimes comes alone

SENIOR WISDOM Part 1

THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 1 You can tell a lot about a man By the way he handles certain plights A rainy day, lost luggage, And tangled Christmas tree lights THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 2

SENIOR WISDOM Part 2

THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 4 If you want to do something positive For your children, Then you must work to improve Your marriage situation THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 5

SENIOR WISDOM Part 3

THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 8 If you pursue happiness, It will elude you But if you focus on your family, Or the needs of others too Your work, meeting new people, And church and friends too

SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 1

She was an old lonely widow Oft overlooked to be fare

SHE WAS SILVER HAIRED

She was silver haired And her face was lined

SILVER HEADED LADY FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare At the silver headed lady fair

SMOKELESS ZONE

You're never quite sure

SOAK AWAY

Candle’s scented flames Set the tone For a relaxing soak In a stress free zone In chin high water Containing oil’s and bubbles Aromatic and Exotic Soaking away life’s troubles

SPICE GIRL

It was the plan of my wife To spice up our love life

STONE ME

In the seventies I had all the albums Of the Rolling Stones Now I’m in my seventies I have all the symptoms Of Kidney stones

STROKE OF LUCK

Three old ladies were sitting in the park When a flasher came walking by

SUPERSEX

“Supersex” the old lady said

TAKEN BACK

A melody haunts me Like a ghost from way back Familiar, remembered A stardust memory From yesteryear A good memory Of a great time Of halcyon days Never to be seen again

THANK GOD THAT’S OVER

I'm so glad I am leaving It’s not before time

THE ABSENT MINDED OCTOGENARIAN

An octogenarian visited his doctor 'I think I'm getting senile” he said

THE BARBER OF CIVIL

My barber reliably informs me There is no bald spot up there He says I am not going thin on top I’m just growing through my hair

THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE ARE BEHIND ME

I’ve just suffered my first mid life crisis And its something I found quite profound When I stood naked in front of the mirror I could see my bum without turning around

THE COMMON TERM FOR SOMEONE

The common term for someone

THE EVOLUTION OF MAN

From good boy To a nice kid

THE HEREAFTER

These days, now I’m getting older I spend a lot of time Thinking about the hereafter I go into a room to get something And when I get there I think why am I here? And what was I after

THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 12

I have found in life A tip I wish to share If you are just unhappy Or if you are in despair If you have an illness Or if it was just a scare Something that troubles you

THE YOUNG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

The young beautiful people

THERE’S A DOWNSIDE TO RETIREMENT

There’s a downside to retirement

THERE’S LIFE IN THIS OLD DOG YET

There’s life in this old dog yet

TONIGHTS THE NIGHT

Jim Owen was talking With his best man Billy Wright

Too Many Mirrors

When you reach a certain age and have acquired an unfortunate body shape, gravity becomes your enemy and a simple mirror becomes your nemesis. In the privacy of your own home you can minimise your exposure to their spiteful honesty and therefore perpetuate the falsehood that you are 20 years younger and 4 stones lighter.

UP TO A SENIOR MOMENT

One of the problems with old age And there are a few at this late stage Apart from my weakened bladder Is when I reach the top of the ladder Which in itself is no mean feat at all

WAVING GOODBYE

In the seventies I had long hair Now I’m in my seventies I long for hair

WAY BACK WHEN (1)

I miss the world that existed When I was mobile And phones weren’t When there were only three TV channels And we still had more choice When coffee in a café Came in only black or white

WAY BACK WHEN (2)

I know times have changed But I’m not sure when We started to call Tidal waves -Tsunami’s When was it that Peking Started to be known as Beijing When did Bombay Start to be called Mumbai

WELL YOU'RE GETTING OLD

Well you're getting old when you’ve outlived your enthusiasm and if you lay in bed all day its because your backs in spasm You’re getting old when you just can't stand intolerant people

WHAT DO PENSIONERS?

What do pensioners?

WHAT GOES ARROUND

You know you’re getting old when you have to admit That around the neck you’re about seventeen and a bit While around the waist you need forty-four just to fit

WHAT IS THE POINT FOR A WOMAN

What is the point for a woman of a certain age,

WHEN I WAS A BABE

When I was a babe Milk was my tipple

WHEN I WAS YOUNG

When I was young I was self-conscious

WHEN I’M SIXTY FOUR

When I’m sixty four And your back goes out more than you do I will still love you When I’m sixty four And your ears are hairier than your head I will still share your bed

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 1

When my Gran got out of bed

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 2

When my Gran got out of bed

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 3

When my Gran got out of bed

WIDOWERS RECOMPENSE

I am now a lonely widower And all my buddies are dead

WITH OLD AGE COMES WISDOM

With old age comes wisdom Which is enlightening

WOW MAN

I’m a child of the flower power generation I used to smoke pot to get my satisfaction I don't do it anymore I’ve given it up at last And I get the same effect standing up to fast

YET MORE SENIOR MOMENTS

Q & A AGAIN Now I’m getting on yearly I know all the answers nearly It’s an irrelevant suggestion As nobody asks the question NOT STALGIA Things are more like They are today

YOU ARE PASSED YOUR PRIME

You're not really old, though

YOU ARE TRULY MIDDLE AGED

You are truly middle aged

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE CLAPPED OUT

You know when you are clapped out

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD

You know you're getting old when I bet You have too much room in the Maisonette And not enough in the bathroom cabinet

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN

You know you're getting old when you have to squint to see And a dripping tap will cause an uncontrollable urge to pee You regret all those times that you resisted the temptation And you get winded playing chess and it causes hypertension

YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL

You should be more careful

YOUNG AT HEART

Young at heart Well that’s a start

YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD

Mavis and Maude were two sisters, spinsters and twinned

YOU’RE NO LONGER ABLE TO BRAG

You’re no longer able to brag About being a lean piece of scrag

DESCRIBING RETIREMENT

The best way to describe

THE WEARING OF ODD COLOURED SOCKS

The wearing of odd coloured socks

THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, Extend your arms straight out from your sides

NOT DOING UP YOUR FLY AFTER SPENDING A PENNY

Not doing up your fly after spending a penny
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YOU’RE NEXT

If it annoys you when old people

I’VE SURVIVED PROSTATE CANCER

I’ve survived prostate cancer I've had two bypass surgeries,

AS I’VE GOTTEN OLDER I HAVE FOUND

As I’ve gotten older, I have found that

MIDDLE AGED EXERCISE

I have found in middle age

DAREDEVILISH # 2

Some activities in life Since time began

DAREDEVILISH # 1

To do something daring

I AM NOT FRESH OR ORIGINAL

I am not fresh or original

DAREDEVILISH # 3

Some activities in life Since time began

MIDLIFE

Midlife is when you have to go to the Doctor

MY WIFE AND I ARE BOTH

My wife and I are both

I HAVE REACHED THAT TIME

I have reached that time when

BEING OVER THE HILL

I’ve always accepted the inevitability

DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN?

I grew a beard, thinking it would say

MY WIFE AND I HAD AN ACTIVE SEX LIFE

My wife and I had an active sex life

OLD AGE HAS DEFINITELY ARRIVED

Old age has definitely Arrived in your life when,

GETTING ON # 2

You are getting old when

GETTING ON # 3

I may be getting on in years

GETTING ON # 4

You have reached old age

GETTING ON # 5

You know you have reached old age

OLD AGE IS LIKE BEING IN A PLANE

Old age is like being in a plane

GETTING ON # 6

Now I have reached old age

MIDDLE AGE IS THE TIME

Middle age is the time

GETTING ON # 7

I’m not interested in retirement

GETTING ON # 8

When they finally reach old age

GETTING ON # 9

I am defiantly getting old

GETTING ON # 10

I think I must really be getting old

GETTING ON # 11

You know you’re getting old

GETTING ON # 12

I’m officially old, as I don’t need

GETTING ON # 13

You know that you have

GETTING ON # 14

I stop to catch my breath

WHEN YOU SEARCH HIGH AND LOW

When you search high and low

GETTING ON # 15

They have just barred me

GETTING ON # 16

When you are getting on in years

GETTING ON # 1

You know you are getting old

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 1

I have a Universal Remote control

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 2

I decided to Vacuum the house

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 3

I was asked by a practicing Buddhist