TALES OF FOOD AND DRINK

Food and drink related tales

A 16 YEAR OLD LAD

A 16 year old lad asked the barmaid for a drink

A CHICKPEA AND A LENTIL

A chickpea and a lentil, what is

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A TOURIST

Breakfast on the waterfront Al fresco in the morning air Eleven-ish in the Medusa bar An ice cream perhaps to share Walking the beach together Playing and having fun

A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 1

A foreign student from Calcutta

A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 2

A foreign student from Calcutta

A FOREST FIRE CAN START

A forest fire can easily start

A ROYAL WARRANT

In order for a Baker to get

A WORD OF CAUTION

Alcohol isn’t right for everyone Not even a little bit Such as Women who are pregnant or breast feeding They shouldn’t have it However women who don’t mind getting pregnant

ALCOHOL IS NOT THE ANSWER

Alcohol is not the answer

ALL ABOUT RACIST SEAFOOD

I saw something shocking

ALPEN DANGER

My dear friend was pulled under

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?

Are you wearing a brandy barrel?
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ARE YOU WEARING A HAIRNET?

Are you wearing a hairnet? You work at a baker’s shop I bet

ARE YOU WEARING AN APRON?

Are you wearing an apron?

ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?

Are you wearing beer goggles?

ARE YOU WEARING BODY PAINT?

Are you wearing body paint? Don’t tell me that you aint

ARE YOU WEARING CHANEL?

Are you wearing Chanel? Why do you wear that smell?

ARE YOU WEARING PROTECTION?

Are you wearing protection?

ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?

Are you wearing steak? A pork chop? Ok my mistake

ARE YOU WEARING THE BOSS’S HAT?

Are you wearing the boss’s hat? I laugh when you call me that

ARE YOU WEARING VOMIT IN YOUR HAIR?

Are you wearing vomit in your hair?

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 1

As I came out of the chippy With two steak and kidney pies

BEEF AND CHICKEN

I’m used to the term Surf and turf on a menu

Brain Damaged

The day began in a fog both of the meteorological sort and of the mind because as a result of an excess of the local brew apply known as brain damage.

BRITISH MANHOOD

British manhood Out on the Razz

BURNT OFFERINGS

My wife burns the toast She makes a habit of it

CATERING FOR EVERYONE

The funeral directors Have an annual dinner dance You should go some time If you get the chance The foods not up to much Considering it cost a packet The strangest dish however

CHEESY CUSTARD

It was my turn to cook last night and it was while I was making a cheese sauce,

CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICKEN

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken, Lay a little egg for me.

CHINESE FAST FOOD

We went out to pick up

CHOCOLATE BUTTONS

Chocolate buttons have always

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS

Chocolate coated raisins

COMFORT EATER

Through a total lack of self esteem

COOKING ROMEO

But soft and light filling, through pastry breaks Is it the yeast and flour in the buns?

COQ AU VAN

I tried cooking with wine last night

CRISP ETIQUETTE

The chunky McCoy’s Are the crisps for boys

CURRYING FAVOUR

When my Grandfather was a boy

DEAR MR CADBURY

Dear Mr Cadbury I would like to say in my view That to find Someone, Is something of a coup Who enjoys a chocolate finger as much as I do
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DEPRESSED DRINKER

I used to have a coping strategy

DESICCATED SNACK POT

A new desiccated snack pot

DO YOU WANT BABY SPINACH

“Do you want Baby Spinach? Or Water Cress Dad”

DON’T KEEP THINGS BOTTLED UP

Don’t keep things bottled up

DR. PEPPER IS A DR.

Dr. Pepper is a Dr.

DRINK TO MY HEALTH

I was out for a walk Just round and about When I saw in a doorway An old down and out

DRINKING FROM THE UGLY POND

Alcohol was originally invented So ugly people could have sex too

DRUNK AT THE BAR

A drunk was brought before the judge.

EATING TRASH

I thought selling sand to Arabs Really took the biscuit Or even selling the very latest Ice cube maker to the Inuit But I’ve just paid in a restaurant For the contents of their bins

EGGS FOR EGGS

I like my eggs fried or poached

EVERYONE NEEDS A HOBBY

Everyone needs a hobby And my dad is no exception

FALLING DOWN DRUNK

A man had had far too much to drink Now I must go home he began to think

FAST FOOD

There are so many folk at the pie shop

FAST FOOD DRIVE THROUGH’S

Fast food Drive-through’s

FOOD AND DRINK

MAKING YOUR HAIR CURL Why is it that toasters Always have a setting That burns the toast And therefore blackening To a horrible crisp And is unfit for eating? SENSUAL FRUIT

FOOD AND DRINK AGAIN

INTOXICATING READING When I found myself reading About the evils of drinking You might well be thinking That I would give up drinking But after careful considering

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

CREAM DREAM Is this product real or just a dream? This new fangled anti aging cream I think it’s a little odd, at any rate Because the stuff has a sell by date GOOD POINT

FOOD GROUPS

There are six food groups

FOOD SCANDAL

The best thing to result

FOOD SCARE

I have just found out

FORTUNE COOKIE

When you’ve finished your dinner

GARNISHING

If you put a tomato

GOD’S CREATURE’S

If god had not intended Animals for us to eat He would never have Made them out of meat

GOING VEGETARIAN

Going vegetarian

GOURMET PARSNIP CRISPS

Gourmet Parsnip crisps

HALF AND HALF

At the pub in the good old days You could save a penny or two By selecting the cheaper option A pint of half and half would do But in order to save your pennies
Cherry

HAM AND EGGS

Good morning what’s for breakfast? Can I have eggs and ham please?

HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR

He was thrown out of a bar For inappropriate behaviour

HEALTH WARNING

WARNING TO DRINKERS # 1 New health warnings should be On bottles and tins for us to see Warnings clearly on display That the consumption of alcohol may Make you think, like as not

HEALTHY EATING

I’m trying to eat more healthily

HOOCH HAZE

The day began in a fog, both of the meteorological sort and of the mind as a result of excess of the local brew apply known as brain damage.

HORSE MEAT BURGERS

Horse meat burgers

HOW DO YOU WANT IT CUT?

Bimbette ordered herself A small pizza to go

HOW MANY STARS?

Last week on my annual vacation I went to a gastronomy convention

HUNGRY SHAKESPEARE

To eat or not to eat, that is ingestion Whether tis hunger in the mind to suffer

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL

I always thought that alcohol

I AM NOT IN ANY WAY INTERESTED IN

I am not in any way interested in

I BET I CAN GET THIS FAG IN THAT GLASS

I've often noticed that life Can be very queer

I DO DRINK COFFEE

I do drink Coffee But it’s not a favourite of mine

I DON’T DO BANANAS

I don’t do bananas and I don’t do dates

I HAVE MY FIVE A DAY

I have my five a day Every day of the week

I NEED GLASSES

I need glasses So it would appear

I ORDERED A BURGER AND FRIES

I ordered a burger and fries

I ORDERED THE TARKA DAL

I ordered the Tarka Dal

I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS

I picked up a tray of Lamb chops

I REMEMBER WELL THAT FATEFUL DAY

I remember well that fateful day

I SPILL MOST OF IT

Father became a drinker when an early teen And he's a drunk now and the years in between

I WAS OUT ON THE LASH ON SATURDAY NIGHT

I was out on the lash on Saturday night

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 1

I went to the ice cream parlour At one of our seaside resorts

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 2

I went to the ice cream parlour

IF IT TASTES LIKE BUTTER

If it tastes like butter In your sandwich

IF MY GIRLFRIEND IS WEARING TIGHTS

When my girlfriend Is wearing tights

IF PASTA AND ANTI PASTA

If pasta and anti pasta

IF YOU EAT A BURGER

If you eat a burger

IF YOU GET AN EMAIL OR TWO

If you get an email or two

IF YOU WANT TO AVOID

If you want to avoid Disaster on a plate

INTOXICATING READING

When I found myself reading About the evils of drinking You might well be thinking That I would give up drinking But after careful considering I decided to give up reading

IRATIO

I like to go to pubs I like a drink or two Sometimes things happen That can embarrass you On such thing is when Your drink to toilet ratio Becomes synchronized With the resident wino

I'M NOT A FUSSY EATER AND THERE ISN’T

I’m not a fussy eater and there isn’t

I'M NOT DAIRY OR GLUTEN INTOLERANT

I’m not dairy or gluten intolerant

I’M NOT SURE IF INDEED IT’S ME

I’m not sure if indeed it’s me Or maybe its intentional irony

I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT QUITE IRONIC

I've always thought it quite ironic

JUST A DASH

Pour me a Scotch Whisky With only two drops of water

KFC FAT CONTENT

An obese girl served me today When I went in to KFC

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 1

Is there anything more annoying?

LOST LUGGAGE

It was a dreadful flight And it was late as well

LOST PROPERTY

I left two bottles of Whisky On the train to Prestatyn

MAKING YOUR HAIR CURL

Why is it that a toaster Always has a setting That burns the toast

MANY A SLIP

I don't drink too much Maybe a glass when I dine But I don't drink much Because I spill most of mine

MANY THINGS CAN BE PRESERVED

Many things can be preserved
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MARATHON MAN

I used to be a Marathon man

MARK ANTONY'S RUMP

Rump, sirloin, brisket, all but the ears I come to roast beef not to braise it

MARS WALK

After many years of trying And years of deep space flying

MATERNAL ABSTINENCE

My mum never touches strong drink

MEAL DEAL

The kids have a happy meal When we go to McDonalds Why don’t they extend the range? To meet demands at Ronald’s As we’re not always happy Hysterical or even jolly

MORE FOOD AND DRINK

NOT SO HOT DOGS There are many things that get my rag The worst one of all that really grates Is why do hot dogs come ten to a bag? And the buns come packed in eight’s? SUSHI

MORE HEALTH WARNING

WARNING TO DRINKERS # 6 New health warnings should be On bottles and tins for us to see Warnings clearly on display That the consumption of alcohol may Make you think you can sit chatting

MY DEAR WIFE SAID TO ME

My dear wife said to me

MY GIRLFRIEND WORKS IN A CHINESE KITCHEN

My girlfriend works in a Chinese kitchen

MY GRANDDAD WON’T EAT BROWN BREAD

My granddad won’t eat brown bread

MY GRANDFATHER TAKES FIVE SUGARS

My Grandfather takes five sugars

MY KIDS ARE STILL MAD AT ME

I put Ginger in the Casserole

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND IS FROM GLASGOW

My new girlfriend is from Glasgow

MY UNCLE’S FAVOURITE TREAT

My uncle’s favourite treat

NEVER MIX THE GRAPE AND THE GRAIN

Never mix the grape and the grain My Dad always said to me And his inference was quite plain

NEW CHEESE

I saw a new brand of cheese At the super market today

NICE ONE JAMIE

My children can never forgive

OH BOY

What you will actually see When that irritating putz

ON THE ROCKS

Vodka with ice is bad for you

ON THE TOWN

Tuneless pub singers Tired old swingers

ON THE VINE

My husband and I were Visiting a vineyard We were on holiday

OUT OF THIS WORLD PRODUCE

My supermarkets veg is the best

PC COFFEE TIME

Black coffee That’s all I crave

PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL

Peperami is a bit of an animal

PHILOSOPHICAL DRINKER

It doesn’t matter if the glass Is half full or half empty

PINEAPPLE DUFFER

When my Dad was just a boy

PIZZA FAME

When my Dad was just a boy

PLAYING "COLONEL BOGEY"

Playing "colonel bogey" I hear the chimes call

PLAYING "LA CUCARACHA"

Playing "La Cucaracha" I hear the chimes call

PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE

This is a public information message The information is for everyone

SAGA LOUT

My uncle Ted is a bit of a saga lout And has decided to grow old disgracefully

SALT AND SHAKE

When I was a kid all crisps were plain

SATURDAY NIGHT TREAT

On a Saturday night when I’ve had some a ale

SAY IT AS IT IS

Velveteen isn’t Velvet

SECRET INGREDIENT:

If your next pot of chili tastes better That it has in the past, ever It’s because of something omitted Rather than something added

SELF MEDICATION

To counteract the signs of aging I have an alternative to the

SENSUAL FRUIT

It makes me uncomfortable Like a bad melodrama

SHAKESPEARE'S WINE

Try Medoc and then sip the Saint Emillion

SHE WAS SO DRUNK AT THE PARTY

She was so drunk at the party

SHOP ASSISTANCE

I was shopping With my wife And we found ourselves

SIZE DOESN'T MATTER

Gnats as big as Bats Bats as big as Rats Rats as big as Cats Fleas as big as Bees Bees that eat the Trees Trees that eat the Cheese Fly's that eat pork Pies Pies that wear bow Ties

SIZE DOESN'T MATTER

Gnats as big as Bats Bats as big as Rats Rats as big as Cats Fleas as big as Bees Bees that eat the Trees Trees that eat the Cheese

SO TRUE

Why is it tell me do That Tea tastes better From a china cup Beer tastes better From a glass Chips taste better From the paper And Triangular sandwiches taste better

SOUP QUESTION

Here is a question For a Politically Correct group

STRESSED OUT

Is your life hard? Do you feel stressed out?

TAKEAWAYS

When my Dad was just a boy

TAKING THE CHERRY

The Cherry Ripe bar

TAP IT, UNWRAP IT

The Chocolate Orange

TAPPED

It amazes me how gullible people are They will pay money for any old crap Paying good money for bottled water That have been filled from the tap They call it mineral water on the label

THE BEERY THEORY

Men are changing into women So the Scientists fear Due to the presence of Female hormones in the beer To test the theory A hundred men were asked to sink Eight pints of beer

THE CARROT CAKE

The Carrot cake

THE CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRY’S

The Chocolate Strawberry’s

THE DEPENDABLE FIG ROLL

The dependable Fig Roll

THE FULL ENGLISH

I like the full English When it comes to breakfast

THE LAMB AND PUP

I walked into my local

THE LAST SUPPER

Last night at our repast My wife asked me sincerely “Why must you eat so fast”? I replied “you never no really Which meal will be your last With your cooking, especially”

THE LATEST FAD

I’ve been on every diet known to man Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan

THE LATEST FOOD SCANDAL

The latest food scandal
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THE LIFE OF PIE

Off they go to the bakers

THE LOCAL CHEMIST

A pub landlord

THE MAN AINT GOT NO CULTURE

My friend reads cheap fiction Consuming it like a vulture

THE MIRACLE CURE

Do you feel inadequate? Or suffer from shyness? Are you unable to be assertive? Did you answered yes? Then the solution is simple Though a little distasteful Get to a wine bar double fast

THE MISPROBUNCITATION OF YOUTH

The young think to feel - Sophistication

THE NIGHT BUS

After a night out at the pub I drunk until I could drink no more

THE NIGHT OUT

I’d been to some bars And drunk a few jars And while I was there

THE PERILS OF ALCOHOL

Excessive alcohol can leave you screwed Some of the Side effects may include Nausea, vomiting or dizziness, Table dancing or erotic lustfulness, Loss of motor control, loss of money,

THE PERILS OF FAST FOOD

Why did the hapless Wile E. Coyote In pursuit of his nemesis, Roadrunner

THE PILLSBURY PHILOSOPHY

Isn’t life strange? And it can be quite a dilemma

THE ROAD TO OBLIVION

As a school kid It was cider first Then as a student Wine came second Then as a worker The vodka came third But it doesn’t stop there So have a care and beware Out every night

THE SECRET TO LONG LIFE

Rather than eating chicken soup

THE THING ABOUT MANGE-TOUT

The thing about mange-tout

THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES

Pringles are all uniform The same weight shape and size

THE USES OF GOOSES # 2

Be warned about the use of a goose

THE WHITE HORSE IN

A white horse walked into a pub And ordered a pint and some grub The barman was taken by surprise

THERE IS A PARTICULAR HERB

There is a particular herb

THERE WOULD BE MORE RESERVES

There would be more oil reserves

TOFU GATEAUX

For my birthday my kids

TOMMY’S LUNCH

TOMMY’S LUNCH I had a ploughman's lunch The other day. He wasn't very happy Is all I can say.

TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,

TWO OVERWEIGHT LADS

Two overweight lads were in the pub

VEGETUS # 1

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?

VEGETUS # 2

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?

VEGETUS # 3

My son has announced His intent to take the pledge

VINDALOO

He had the Tarka Vindaloo

VIVA ESPANIA

One Sangria, Two Sangria, Three Sangria, Four
Cherry

Waiting For God In Frinton

I’m in my fifties now and I started drinking when I was 15, which was in the early 1970’s. I always looked older than my age, though not old enough to pass for 18 when I was three years younger but it was the 70s and landlords pretty much turned a blind eye to 15 and 16 year olds drinking as long as they didn’t look to out of place.

WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 1

Walkers crisps should be forced to comply With trade description legislation

WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 2

Walkers crisps should be forced to comply With trade description legislation

WATER BOY

When my Granddad was a boy Water came out of the tap

WE HAD A TRIVIA QUIZ

We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night And I got most of the questions right

WE HAVE A NEW MARKET IN TOWN

We have a new market in town

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 2

We have loved eggs

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 3

We have loved eggs

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 4

We have loved eggs

WE USED TO EAT A LOT OF RICE

We used to eat a lot of rice

WE WENT TO A POSH NEW RESTAURANT

We went to a posh new restaurant

WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT

We were eating at an Indian restaurant

WEEKENDER BENDER

George left work early one Friday And went out with the lads, on a bender He finally got home to his unhappy wife On Sunday night after a boozy weekender After hours of bitching and moaning

WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY

My wife and I walked passed, A very posh restaurant last night.

WHAT CAN I EAT?

I don’t want Swine flu So no more pork for me

WHAT DO YOU GET

What do you get? Answer me please

WHEN HIS FOOD ARRIVED

When his food arrived

WHEN I WAS A BABY

When I was a baby I drank milk From bottle or breast

WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS COVERED

When I was a kid I was covered

WHEN MY DAD WAS A BOY

When my dad was a boy

WHEN THE WINE BOX IS EMPTY

When the wine box is empty I am one of the thorough types

WHEN WIMPY PREVAILED

When I was just a young man

WINE BOXES AREN’T FOR THE SNOBS

Wine boxes aren’t for the snobs

WMD

The weapons of mass destruction Have been with us for many years Weapons of such devastation They’re beyond your darkest fears After years of fruitless search

YOU CAN TRAIN ANIMALS TO DO ANYTHING

You can train animals to do anything

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SICK

You have just been sick And not just a bit

YOU KNOW YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE

You know you drink too much coffee when You can sleep with your eyes wide open When you can ski uphill on your snowboard And you have to watch videos in fast-forward

CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF RICE WINE

“Can I have a glass of Rice Wine”

YOU’VE BURNED THE DINNER AGAIN

“You’ve burned the dinner again” he said

AN ACCIDENT IN THE KITCHEN

An accident in the kitchen
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I AM A REALLY TERRIBLE COOK

I am a really terrible cook
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DRIED FRUIT TRADE

A customer said “I want to swap a bag

CHEESE DO

I went to a cheese function

I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT CADBURY

I heard on the grapevine that Cadbury

IF I DISCOVERED A NEW SPECIES

If I discovered a new species,

I WAS IN A FASHIONABLE COCKTAIL BAR

I was in a fashionable cocktail bar

EYES BIGGER THAN MY BELLY

Eyes bigger than my belly

BUTTON MUSHROOMS

Button mushrooms

I OVERDOSED ON FOOD COLOURING

I overdosed on food colouring
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MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF DRINKING COFFEE

My first experience of drinking Coffee

PEOPLE WHO SELL MEAT ARE DISGUSTING

People who sell meat are disgusting

MY WIFE IS A BAKER OF BREAD

My wife is a Baker of bread

DINNER MENU

“Do you want dinner?”

HOMEMADE PIZZA

Homemade pizza

CHEESE CYCLE

My brother is a cyclist and a cheese nut

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE MEAL

The man said to his date “I hope you enjoyed the meal

CHEESE DYNASTY

The dynasty of the Worlds

SAD CHEESE

Even dairy comestibles

CHEESE BITES

Even cannibals like cheese

ALCOHOLIC CHEESE # 1

ALCOHOLIC CHEESE # 1 If a cheese is tempted to drink

ALCOHOLIC CHEESE # 2

If a cheese likes to drink

UNSTABLE CHEESE

The most unstable cheese