A WORKING LIFE

 

A PRESSING OCCUPATION

The woman that does my ironing

AFTER MY HOLIDAY

After my holiday My inbox was full

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY

All work and no play Makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play Makes a life without joy

ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-SATISFIED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a self-satisfied expression?

ARE YOU WEARING A SMIRK?

Are you wearing a smirk? I thought you’d been to work

ARE YOU WEARING PIERCING’S?

Are you wearing piercing’s? Thru ears and nose and gob

BOSS KEY

I think you’ll agree that nothing Motivates a man not to shirk More than to see his boss Putting in an honest day's work

BUSAN TO SEOUL

I’m moving from Busan to Seoul

BUSINESS CONVENTIONS ARE IMPORTANT

Business conventions are important

CAN WORK WONT WORK

Now here is an opinion That really makes good sense

CAREER PATH

Would you like to meet new people? Would you like a change of scenery?

CO-OP COUPLE

Christopher really liked Lisa He thought she was really quite fit

CONFERENZZZZZZZ

There is only one thing worse than dreaming You’re at a conference and waking from a deep sleep

DEADLINE DODGER

I really love deadlines I cant help it No matter how hard I try

DISRESPECTING THE BOSS

Gwen looks like Mavis Cruet, The plump clumsy fairy,

DOMANI

Tomorrow Hard work Will certainly pay

DON’T REST UPON YOUR LAURELS

Don’t rest upon your laurels

DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE BOSS

Don’t worry about the boss

EASILY IMPRESSED

The woman that does my ironing

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

You never get a second chance To make a first impression I say Well there's a bloke at work I've disliked from his first day Firstly he has the type of face You would never tire of slapping

FLORENCE

It was to be another business dinner Another fabulous restaurant

FORWARD THINKING FUNERAL DIRECTORS

Forward thinking Funeral directors

GETTING ON IN YOUR CAREER

After many years I am forced to conclude

GO FISH AGAIN

The worst day You spend fishing

GOOD JOB SON

My son got a job today

I AM TOTALLY UNAPPRECIATED AT WORK

I am totally unappreciated at work I do a good job but unfortunately I fear

I LOST MY JOB TODAY

I lost my job today, I was sacked

I QUIT MY JOB AT THE REFINERY

I quit my job at the refinery

I TOLD MY DAD

I told my dad “I want to be

I TOLD MY DAD THAT I HAD JOB TEMPING

I told my dad that I had job temping

I TOLD PEOPLE THAT MY UNCLE

I told people that my uncle

I WAS DRIVING ALONG THE DUAL CARRIAGEWAY

I was driving along the dual carriageway When my boss phoned me

I WORK IN AN OFFICE THAT’S SO QUIET

I work in an office that’s so quiet

I WORK IN AN OFFICE THAT’S SO QUIET

I work in an office that’s so quiet

IF IT’S WORTH DOING

Anything worth doing They say Is worth doing well

IF YOUR EMPLOYEE GOES ALL RAGING BULL

If your employee goes all raging bull

IF YOU’RE LONELY AT WORK

If you’re lonely at work

INCENTIVE SCHEME

If your staff tell you an

INDISPENSABILITY

You think you are an important employee

INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT # 1

One of the guys fell into The upholstery machine,

INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT # 2

Did you hear about the guy?

IT’S NOT MY AISLE

I went to the DIY centre the other day Not as good as the Old hardware shop I was looking for some super glue Having searched in vain I decided to stop I asked a young lad if he could help

I’M A GRADUATE OF YALE

I’m a graduate of Yale

Just Pay It Forward (Part One)

It was late summer of 1966 and Grace Weldon was stranded by the side of the road, the old bus had given up the ghost, again. She should have replaced it years before but she couldn’t bring herself to part with it.

Just Pay It Forward (Part Two)

Grace walked into the café and sat in a corner booth. It was a fairly dingy looking place but at that moment it was as good as the Savoy.

JUST THE JOB

APPLY CAUTION Potential Employers speak in a certain way And can be strangers to the truth lets say When employers try to advance your career You should read between the lines I fear When employers reply to your application

LAPTOP HOLIDAY

the Laptop Computer Is an evil invention

LATE FOR WORK

I don't like tardiness, and in particular, I don't like being late for work though sometimes it just can't be helped. There was one particular morning this last winter

MANAGERIAL PHILOSOPHY

When in charge, ponder When in trouble, delegate When in doubt, mumble

MEDIUM SUCCESS

Reconciliation we had hoped we were achieving As we sat around in a silent mood of unforgiving

MEETING TIME

I have found in meetings

MY BOSS DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM

My Boss doesn’t go to the gym

MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE’S WORKING CLASS

My girlfriend says she’s working class

NO FINGER POINTING GUARANTEED

I worked for the same man for more than twenty years and for most of those years it was like working for a schizophrenic because of his moods swings.

NOT QUITE A CYCLONE

My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European

ONE, TWO, THREE, LIFT

Why is it sound engineers? When there’s a gig to do And they have to test the system

OUR COMPUTERS WENT DOWN

Our computers went down At the office today

PLUMBING TIPS

Plumbing holds no secrets If you follow these tips Male always fits into female Even the new push fits To do it up or turn it on Righty, Tighty is the way And to undo or turn off

SACKED

I have been given the sack,

SEVERED

"We are making your position redundant" was the gist of meeting. There were a few well-placed key words and phrases such as "Revenue down turn"

SHIRK ETHIC

I’m not possessed of the work ethic

SHORT SHIPMENT

I told my boss at work today That we had a short shipment

SO BUSY, WOW

Have you ever noticed how Even the busiest people now Are never too busy somehow To tell you just exactly how Really busy they are right now

STRESS AT WORK

I have just witnessed a terrible sufferer of stress I was just served by the most harassed waitress She came towards us with a tampon behind her ear

TEMPORARY AFFLICTION

I have a stack of work to do With deadlines to meet too

TGIF

I have just looked at the clock

THE BAR STEWARD

In the early eighties I worked behind the bar at a pub in Woking called the Surrey. However it was not named after the county in which it stood but rather the horse drawn carriage as featured in the musical "Oklahoma "the Surrey with the fringe on top.

THE DOOR OPENED AND I SAID

The door opened and I said “Ah madam

THE LOST WEEKEND

Oh what calamity did befall? What an embarrassment for us all

THE RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT ASKED ME

The recruitment consultant asked me

THE SLIPPERY POLE

Don’t make yourself essential Don’t show your full potential Never ever be irreplaceable Or much worse be indispensable For If they cannot replace you They are unlikely to promote you

THE X FACTOR

To define an expert Ex is the unknown factor

THOSE WHO CAN

Those who can will certainly do Those who cant become teachers

WORK QUERY

If work is so terrific So great and so fantastic

WORK TO RULE

GO FISH AGAIN The worst day You spend fishing Is better than Your best day working WORK QUERY If work is so terrific So great and so fantastic Tell me then why is it

WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP

Working in a sweat shop

WORKING LATES AND EARLIES

Why is it that the boss

WORKPLACE WOES

9 out of 10 women At my company

YES PROFF

A professor of linguistics was lecturing one day “In English, a double negative forms a positive” He paused for effect then he continued to say

AN INSECT PACKER

He was interviewed for the job

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 2

When asked what he did for a living
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I WENT FOR HEALTH AND SAFETY TRAINING

I went for Health and Safety training

ACCEPTED WISDOM IT WOULD SEEM

Accepted wisdom it would seem

AFTER ALMOST FIFTY YEARS OF LABOUR

After almost fifty years of labour
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TEAM WORK IS IMPORTANT

Team work is important

THE DEFINITION OF A PLUMBER

The definition of a Plumber