We are Afraid
By ice rivers
We are afraid.
We've been cat scanned and bone scanned. Our secrets photographed. Even the secrets of our secrets are now up for inspection; an invasion of privacy in search for a truth that is out there and in here at the same time.
Today is Saturday.
Our day of reckoning is Monday.
Monday is the "consultation" with Dr. Somebody who performed the biopsy and is the office mate of Dr. Somebodyelse who made the bad news call and described the secret secret by a number; Gleason score 7.
The various scans will reveal the level of spread that the cancer has achieved in its attempt to take over our world. All we know so far is that it's a Gleason 7 and has been around "for years".
Trying to imagine the first words of the consult......the first dozen words.
Gleason score 7 might be amongst those dozen words.
Like many guys my age, 7 is my favorite number because it was on the uniform of Mickey Mantle and of course we all love Ralph Kramden aka Jackie Gleason. Both men, however, are long deceased which is a condition more in my mind than ever as we go forward with the pessimism of intelligence, the optimism of will and the courage of caution.
We are afraid but we are not worried.
Fear is the natural reaction to mortal threat and the place where courage can be found. Fear is the department of defense. The only thing we have to fear is fearlessness itself. We embrace our fear. We confront it with a minimum of worry and awareness of faith.Yet there is regret as we prepare to confront the scans of my secrets. It's as if I'm expecting to see all of the cigars, the cigaretes, the potato chips, the red meat, the diet cokes, the pasta, the reefer, the Budweisers, the lack of sunsceen during all that golf and swimming, all of the things that over the years have been revealed as carcogenic killers all of which we have enjoyed. We are about to see the damages and fear the "I told you so" as much as the damages themselves.
We don't dread the reckoning as much as we are afraid of it. We can handle it, whatever it is. Worry or dread is not going to change the results of the cat or bone scan. We can even write a little bit. Ice Rivers has taken over that delight in the last week or so and managed to keep the cancer on the low, which we very much appreciate.
Stay tuned and focus on the word TREATABLE.
One way or the other, we'll be back soon.
See ya on the other side in a place like this.