This is my first visit, and we talk about the things that bring people like us to places like this. But I give nothing of myself away. Even so, she says, “I feel like I know you now”. And my own face aches with the recognition of woundedness. We walk around the garden, and I learn about the flowers. A bumble bee flies across the lawn.
“When your lavender grows, you will have more bees visit,” I say with the sad smile that sees my face remain perfectly still.
There is nothing left to argue about, and nothing left to fight for. I am neither stranger nor friend. I am no-one’s advocate. Being liberated into that great stillness brings an awareness of our inability to help anyone else. And it ceases to matter. Feel your trauma like a mantra in your mind, play your diagnosis like a hand of cards at a whist drive, sing your passion and cry out for change. Do that and nothing will change. I watch you trying to be honest but the person you speak about isn’t real. You talk about deep healing but run round endlessly in circles. And I must tell you a truth. I am waiting for you to die and perhaps death is a better option than the living death of mental health paradigms garnished with plastic spirituality.
If you want to be healed, then prepare to be lonely. And be prepared to be stunned into silence. Know that you will be unable to tell people about that deepest knowing. Understand that no-one will recognise what you have become, unless you meet someone else who has woken up, and you will gaze in love into their eyes and say nothing. Stop speaking about spirituality, it’s getting in the way of the spiritual. You’re standing on a bridge watching yourself go by. I used to do that, I was mad for a long while. I thought I could control the river. They even put me on a psychiatric ward and restrained me on the floor, so I struggled and kept fighting until one day I jumped off the bridge and into the river and the currents dragged me along as though I was nothing. And I was worn down by the force of the water like a scratched bit of glass.
I found what you are looking for even though you don’t know what you are looking for and I cannot tell you what it is. We are waiting patiently knowing that in eternity you are already here.