Scrap Iron and Bazooka
By ice rivers
I fookin hate ambivalence. Have an opinion for Christ sake. Give a shit. Make up your mind. Decide.
I was watching a sports talk show a couple of days ago. To the casual observer, the show might seem like a frantic shout fest sometimes deteriorating into a pratfall convention. The show features two bald men in split screen arguing with each other about the sports controversy of the day. I dislike both guys about the same and found myself in danger of falling into ambivalence about both the guys and the show.
Lynn wants to know why I waste my time watching two old men shouting at each other.
On the show, a question came up about the World Series and who was going to win it, the Astros or the Braves. The darker skinned bald guy on the right of the screen went into a speech about how baseball has become so unpredictable particularly in the post season playoffs, that nobody can have any idea who would win at any time, furthermore anybody who would hazard a guess was just fooling themselves because it was impossible to predict.
The lighter skinned bald guy on the left ripped his partner a new asshole with his response. Lighter skinned old bald guy told darker skinned bald guy that he was being paid to have an opinion, that's why they were on teevee in the first place. Having an opinion that it was impossible to have an opinion didn't count as an opinion at all just as another load of bullshit that didn't justify either the attention of the viewer nor the paycheck for that day.
That did it for me. I definitely prefer the lighter skinned bald guy on the left. My ambivalence disappeared immediately.
The worst example of ambivalence in sports occurs in boxing. Here you have two men, Bazooka Drmicich and Scrap Iron Horner beating the beejezus out of one another for twelve grueling rounds in order to determine which of the two will reach the next plateau of fame and fortune while getting further away from the mean streets from which they emerged. In atavistic displays of furious courage, they have risked not only thier present but also the quality of their future lives. The crowd is roaring. Both men come to the center of the ring for the decision. "Judge Doug McCallum has it 118-116 in favor of Bazooka....Judge Ed Zaprowski has it 119-115 for Scarp Iron......Judge Tony Pecoraro has it 119-119. The bout is a draw."
Bazooka and Scrap touch gloves both thinking that they've won. The crowd is booing. All of the action is taking second place to indecision. Fights are breaking out in the stands between fans of Bazooka and Scrap. The only thing we can be pretty sure of is that the two fighters will have to do it all over again which neither of them wants to do because of the beating they took from one another. Both of their careers are put on hold. Later it is revealed that between them the judges had scored eighteen of the thirty six rounds they watched as even. For half the fight, they couldn't make a decision about who won what.
The winner of the fight was supposed to get a title shot at Flash Goodemote. That opportunity was gone. Both men hhad to go to the hospital after the fight. Subsequently, Flash was matched with Kayo Kevin Yost who upset Goodemote which set up a rematch between Yost and Goodemote while Scrap Iron and Bazooka were gonna have to face each other again for a chance to fight the loser of the Yost Goodemote rematch in order to get another chance at the belt. Of course, Flash beat Kayo in the dull rematch which set up a rubber match between those two.
There should be no even rounds. The judges were hired to make a decision not just on the fight but on every round of the fight. The judges are suposed to be "experts'. They are experts because they supposedly have the ability to differentiate. If they can't come to a decision, they should go to punchstat and see which of the two men had a higher number of punches landed. Those numbers are available to the ringside commentators who can announce those numbers and break the stalemate.
Ambivalence sucks big time.
If you've read this, I hope you like it or dislike it preferably that you love it or hate it. I tried my best to explain my dislike for ambivalence. Was it good enough? I think so but what do I know. The corners of both Scrap Iron and Bazooka had assured their men that they were well ahead going into the final round which all of the judges ultimately decided was even.
A waste of goddamned time.